Invisible panic - any validity?

[Friday]

I’m going to run these in reverse order. Some I agree with, some I don’t, some I have a different perspective on.

Because no-one is going to notice anyway, so why bother?

If this were true? Awesome! But you’re someone, so if you’re noticing, then you’re already bothered. A little more bother in order to sort it? Well that’s just life. Whether it’s spending money to make money, or making a bigger mess in order to tidy up really thoroughly, or dealing with the extra pain of setting a bone in order to reduce the overall pain, or taking extra time to help a child who is slowing things down, or walking a half mile the “wrong” direction to catch the right train... there are countless things in life that require extra effort to sort in the best way possible. Many of these things only affect us. And are still worth the bother. Many of these things require assistance from others, who are in no way affected by what’s bothering us, and are still worth the bother. Just because you may be the only one affected by what’s going on, and just because assistance would be helpful, doesn’t mean you should simply leave your arm broken instead of seeing a doctor. If it affects you? You notice? It’s worth it. Because you’re someone, too.

Because if I can control myself then there can't really be anything wrong with me, so I have no right to feel distress.

As a parent, can you remember back when your daughter was first learning self control? The stages she went through from screaming/crying in disappointment, to -Big gulp! Quivering lip!- visibly disappointed but not lashing out in rage and despair, to slightly crestfallen but soldiering on? It took years, yes? Did her learning self control mean she never FELT disappointment ever again? Of course not.

The sheer act of exercising self control means that there is something wrong. Not that there is nothing wrong.

Feeling distress (or disappointment) and self control are 2 very different things. People who have no self control first need to be taught that. Then they move onto learning to deal with the distress itself (beyond not flinging themselves to the floor and bashing their head against the tile whilst screaming bloody murder). You don’t need self control lessons. Awesome. That doesn’t mean that you’re not distressed, and don’t need further lessons. You’ve “just” got part 1 down. Time for parts 2 onward.

Because if I pretend it isn't there it might not be.

I agree with you completely, here. It’s an incrediably useful life skill / tool to use. But it doesn’t apply in all cases, across the board. It might be a fantastic hammer, but there are more than nails out there.
- Sometimes pretending there is nothing wrong leads to nothing being wrong.
- Sometimes pretending nothing is wrong leads to us being able to get through a difficult period of time until we can deal with what’s wrong.
- Sometimes pretending nothing is wrong leads to us making everything infinitely worse.
- Often times, it’s a combo of all 3 >>> Being able to accurately judge where it’s working, where it’s able to help in short bursts, and where it’s f*cking everything up? Is an even more valuable life skill.

Because I don't have right to expression or self-determination.

This is true in a LOT of times and places. I very much hope it’s not true for you, but something that may have once been true, and hasn’t been for a long time.

If you don’t know if it’s still true, the easy way to check is to look at the consequences.

Will you -or someone you love or are responsible for- be killed, beaten/raped, fined, or imprisoned (legally or illegally, by either an individual, group, or organization) for self expression or self-determination?

Because it would inconvenience others.

Of course it will.

Fortunately, other people’s convenience isn’t your job. That’s their job.

If a professional? Their decision to go to school, choose their field, seek employment, and go to work that day. It’s all terribly inconvenient, and expensive, and time consuming. But they made the series of decisions that led to yourself -and others- standing in front of them... and they are all their own decisions, that they have the right to make. (Just like your decisions that brought you there today were your right to make, neither of you forced the other to be there). They could have sent you to someone else if they didn’t have time, or called in sick to work (or quit), or worked for a different company, or chosen a different field of study. They didn’t do those things. They chose to be here. That’s their choice. Which you do not have to apologize for, or try and protect them from the consequences of their own decisions. It’s very much like apologizing for ordering food at a restaurant -or to refusing to order food so the cooks don’t have to make it and the servers don’t have to carry it- to apologize for hiring any other professional, or refuse to use their services because it might inconvience them. It’s going to inconvience them. Work is like that. Let them make their own employment decisions, yes? You decide if you like them, and want to keep hiring them, they decide if they want to keep hiring themselves out. Neither of you have to. It’s a mututal decision to be there. Always. If you’re not holding them at knifepoint? You’re not forcing them to be there. They’re choosing to be there.

If personal? That can get a little more complicated, because we are all parts in a working system -spouses/family/friends that are used to that system functioning in a certain way. It will never function the same way forever.

Consider raising young children, or working a job. In both cases there will be times when someone gets sick or injured and things have to change for a brief period of time. So steps have to be taken to ensure the system can still function. Babysitters are hired, employers are called to workloads are shifted around, etc.

The exact same series of steps can happen inside of personal relationships when something has come up that needs to change how the system operates, for either the short term or long term.

Yes. It’s absolutely inconvenient to others to have to adapt to a changing system. HOW they adapt? Shows their character, not yours. Do they whine and pitch a fit? Cheerfully assist? Stomp about ordering people to change nothing? Come up with useful ideas? Sabotage you? Help you? There are a lot of different ways people respond to change. But change is inevitable. In both the short & long term.

There are things you can do to minimize the inconvience, but nothing you can do can stop it. Because change can’t be stopped. You will be inconvienced by them, and they by you. That’s part of belonging, and being needed & wanted, and needing & wanting others.