It's been a good 20 years or so since I was in the Army, and life for me has been one failure after another since that time. I never dreamed this is how my life would turn out, having graduated at the top of my class in high school, I thought once I had a good education, I would be set. Sadly, it hasn't turned out that way.
I entered university straight out of the military, and did quite well for my first few years, earning my B.A. in computer science, all while juggling being a single father and working. I had the misfortune of graduating and trying to find work in 2001. I had no trouble finding interviews for jobs, but was never offered a second interview. I finally got a temp position in tech support that ended after 6 months.
After that, I couldn't handle the rejection any longer. I mean, I had a few spurts of depression, and broke down a few times when being chewed out by professors - but I spent much of that year in a fog, secluding myself from family and friends. I figured I was just in the wrong field, so I went back to where I was comfortable - college. I got another B.A., this time Psychology, and then my M.A. I figured I'd go into a helping profession. I graduated in 2010, and began working toward my license.
My first job in this field lasted from 2010 to 2012, when I was let go for making a series of careless mistakes in paperwork that I owned up to. My memory has never been great, and my employer then let me go. My second post-graduate job lasted six months. I was let go for issues with my paperwork, and because when my supervisor confronted me my mind would go blank, and she thought I was being dishonest with her. I can't say I blame her.
My third job lasted six months as well, and was working with boys in a remedial school setting. Again, I am not sure where that one went. My boss there let me go, citing differences in views regarding the profession that I honestly did not understand. Thankfully I got another job right after that one working with troubled teens at an alternative school. I was there for 18 months or so when I was let go after one of the teens got mad at me for saying something rude to him that I should not have said.
Which brings me to my fifth post-graduate job. I started working there two years ago, after finally earning my permanent license (a 2 year process that took me 5). This was a fairly large counseling non-profit in this state. When the renewal period for counselors came up last year, I thought I put the paperwork through and paid my fee (I remember it coming straight out of my account).
On Friday I got a text from the person who keeps employee files that they needed proof of my licensure from January after an insurance company flagged a bill. I looked on the state professional licensure site to see that my license had expired! It had been so for 9 months. Never was renewed, and the company didn't catch it. My supervisor there called me this morning to meet, and straight up told me they were letting me go for "gross professional negligence" and putting the company in a bad place with the billing.
Like the last 4 firings, I was a complete mess afterwards. If my wife hadn't of driven me to a V.A. clinic an hour away, I'm not sure what would have happened. My therapist there is a great guy who a few years back talked to me about PTSD from my military experience. He was flabbergasted that the company would go so long without catching my expired license, and said they were as much to blame as I. But then, he's a bit biased being my therapist.
I don't want to be this way. I'm sick of it! I'm tired of jumping through people's hoops and working my butt off to be kicked in the teeth! Yeah, I am probably 99.999% to blame for this, but doesn't there come a point where a person just needs to throw in the towel? I'm not talking suicide, but giving up on trying to make it in a world that clearly doesn't want me to.
Sometimes I sit and think about the people in this world who are happy, secure, and successful and wonder why this can never be me.
I entered university straight out of the military, and did quite well for my first few years, earning my B.A. in computer science, all while juggling being a single father and working. I had the misfortune of graduating and trying to find work in 2001. I had no trouble finding interviews for jobs, but was never offered a second interview. I finally got a temp position in tech support that ended after 6 months.
After that, I couldn't handle the rejection any longer. I mean, I had a few spurts of depression, and broke down a few times when being chewed out by professors - but I spent much of that year in a fog, secluding myself from family and friends. I figured I was just in the wrong field, so I went back to where I was comfortable - college. I got another B.A., this time Psychology, and then my M.A. I figured I'd go into a helping profession. I graduated in 2010, and began working toward my license.
My first job in this field lasted from 2010 to 2012, when I was let go for making a series of careless mistakes in paperwork that I owned up to. My memory has never been great, and my employer then let me go. My second post-graduate job lasted six months. I was let go for issues with my paperwork, and because when my supervisor confronted me my mind would go blank, and she thought I was being dishonest with her. I can't say I blame her.
My third job lasted six months as well, and was working with boys in a remedial school setting. Again, I am not sure where that one went. My boss there let me go, citing differences in views regarding the profession that I honestly did not understand. Thankfully I got another job right after that one working with troubled teens at an alternative school. I was there for 18 months or so when I was let go after one of the teens got mad at me for saying something rude to him that I should not have said.
Which brings me to my fifth post-graduate job. I started working there two years ago, after finally earning my permanent license (a 2 year process that took me 5). This was a fairly large counseling non-profit in this state. When the renewal period for counselors came up last year, I thought I put the paperwork through and paid my fee (I remember it coming straight out of my account).
On Friday I got a text from the person who keeps employee files that they needed proof of my licensure from January after an insurance company flagged a bill. I looked on the state professional licensure site to see that my license had expired! It had been so for 9 months. Never was renewed, and the company didn't catch it. My supervisor there called me this morning to meet, and straight up told me they were letting me go for "gross professional negligence" and putting the company in a bad place with the billing.
Like the last 4 firings, I was a complete mess afterwards. If my wife hadn't of driven me to a V.A. clinic an hour away, I'm not sure what would have happened. My therapist there is a great guy who a few years back talked to me about PTSD from my military experience. He was flabbergasted that the company would go so long without catching my expired license, and said they were as much to blame as I. But then, he's a bit biased being my therapist.
I don't want to be this way. I'm sick of it! I'm tired of jumping through people's hoops and working my butt off to be kicked in the teeth! Yeah, I am probably 99.999% to blame for this, but doesn't there come a point where a person just needs to throw in the towel? I'm not talking suicide, but giving up on trying to make it in a world that clearly doesn't want me to.
Sometimes I sit and think about the people in this world who are happy, secure, and successful and wonder why this can never be me.
