Relationship Is constantly breaking up normal? what should i do?

[Lem]

My fiance of 6 months is an Iraqi vet. 100% disabled ptsd. We are so similar and get along amazingly. Not a day goes by we don't make each other happy at least once but sometimes we go through periods where he gets so angry with me about everything and distant and mean and basically one foot out of the door. Then we fight and break up for a couple of hours then we are fine again. He doesn't take his medication and I didn't think he needed it but ten days ago he wrote a Facebook speech about how I was the love of his life and how we were so good together. Then two days later hecalls off tthe wedding. Now he wants to but he won't barely speak to me... He's stopped hugging me but still laughs and jokes and smiles then goes cold again. I don't know if he just doesn't love me or if this is ptsd. But the emotional whiplash is tearing me apart. I am in constant terror of the next time he is going to decide he is fed up of us. What can I do?

 

[anthony]

Read this https://www.myptsd.com/threads/understanding-post-traumatic-stress-disorder-ptsd.86476/

Then try and get him to read it, or read it to him, with him. Understand what goes on that precedes the desire to breakup, and change it, thus the outcome changes.

Yes, it is normal during uncontrolled PTSD, though it isn't healthy, and chances are the relationship will not endure if not corrected.

 

[Lem]

My phone won't open the PDF file... I'm so worried. He doesn't want to cancel the wedding but then he's not sure if he wants to be with me. His uncle passed away two days ago and I don't know how much is grief or if he genuinely just doesn't love me... Sometimes he is so sweet sometimes he acts like he just wants me to disappear.. Can you shed some light on what is going on with him? We are sleeping on an air mattress in his mamaws kitchen till we get home three days on a greyhound tomorrow so I can't give him space right now...

 

[anthony]

Well... guessing... the death of his uncle along with PTSD is probably overloading him right now, combined being in an environment that is not his.

 

[Lem]

When he's home should he revert back to his usual self or is he gonna continue being this unstable?

 

[Deleted member 20280]

I echo @anthony regarding him losing his uncle suddenly, if he is uncontrolled with his PTSD the compounding factor of losing a loved one will exacerbate his symptoms and will make him behave like this. You could guide him to either this site or the sister site mycombatptsd.com if he would prefer. He needs to get a handle on his symptoms for himself primarily, It was not until I read Anthony's articles and threads that I got the message.

For my relationship it was in fact way too late in the day to salvage any part of my family. I know that now and realise that I should have got control many many years ago. I refused to engage with any professionals who tried to help me especially after my suicde attempts over the years,

Remember to look after you as well Lem, you are equally as important in this relationship as he is. You need to self care and process all that is happening just as much as he does.

Sending :hugs

Laurie

 

[Lem]

Thank you. I am not without fault though and I'm very lucky in that he is a good person deep down and genuinely wants to do the right thing. He has a therapist but he doesn't see her that often and she also thinks he is on medication that he decided against taking. The hardest part is it being new I am never sure whether to attribute his off moods or angry outbursts to our relationship being dysfunctional or the fact that he doesn't take his medication. It does seem to be 100 times worse in stressful situations though. He flips from being immensely grateful for me to completely done with me... I need to be more patient I'm guessing.

 

[Deleted member 20280]

Lem, when you are able to read the link Anthony posted it really will give you an insight into PTSD, Understanding the PTSD Brain and especially how the PTSD Cup in fact works will be a great help to both of you.

Here is the link to the explanation about the PTSD CUP.

https://www.myptsd.com/threads/the-ptsd-cup-explanation.13737/#post-173960

 

[anthony]

Any stress exacerbates PTSD symptoms, which means his mood.

 

[Lem]

OK that makes a little more sense so deciding whether he loves me, being in a different state with virtually no money sleeping on an air mattress watching his uncle who raised him die of cancer probably has turned him into a PTSD bomb... We are from Oregon and traveled to west Virginia to say our goodbyes and for the funeral.

 

[Lem]

Thank you very much for your patience with me. Its difficult in a new relationship to gauge how much of my honeys difficulty is him being difficult and how much is PTSD. He has a very severe psych evaluation which I read and assumed was exaggerated..

 

[Sighs]

Sigh!

This push-pull is very common in PTSD sufferers and is exhausting for supporters. All I can tell you is this - do not stay hoping it will get better. It probably won't. If you are prepared to stay in the relationship as it is now that is your decision to make.

There are lots of us here supporting a sufferer and this is a wonderful place to vent and find understanding.

PS - I doubt his psych evaluation was exaggerated. Don't underestimate how badly affected he is just because he seems 'normal' at first.

Feel free to PM me if you would like. I'm the partner of a combat PTSD sufferer.