What Should I Do?

[TTC18]

But my truth right now is that the only thing I should worry about is making myself whole.

Agree.. :hug:

 

[Tinyflame]

@NaeNae75 , Idk if this is helpful. I can relate to parts of this:

I don't like the break ups, but I understand them. I think I asked the question in here because I need to counteract the noise from those "well meaning" people out here. I agree that time is what I need most. I've never had a bond with anyone on earth like with him. Even if we didn't get back together, I have nothing but love for him. I know this is hard for him to, because he has told me.
I agree that if this other guy wanted to be friends, he wouldn't feel the need to ask me out, I don't think. It sounds like his reasoning may be self serving. I'm not interested in him, or anyone else. I think I only considered it because of all of the noise from everyone else... they're big time pushing me.
I think you're right, this is genius! If I ever do get to the point I'm interested in someone (doubtfully) then breaking up with him would fix that it feels like cheating.
Thank you so much for this! Is it funny that I feel like you guys are my people, and not the ones that love me? I know they mean well, but they don't get it.

Again, this resonates with me. I'm not ready to date mine right now either. He needs this time to figure out his crap, and frankly, so do I. I am living accordingly, and taking the time to really try to become the best me that I can. I have a mountain of books I want to read, and a mountain of work to catch up on.

He has said.. I should find someone better that can fulfill my needs... but I already have that person, it's me!

And this, or efforts to date from (only 3, in particular) that seem to still want to since years of asking past. I have no idea why:

getting texts from him. In fact, they make me cringe.

If I remember correctly you have ptsd, too?

I don't know if this is helpful. I don't have your attributes, but I am plagued by people wanting to date, and I feel- at a loss. (I swear it's inversely proportional to the person wanting to. :( )

I post this for this reason only, and reminded intimately by words in another thread- I'm sorry I can't recall atm who :( - regarding the hole and ever-present pain and fear left behind.

This thread is timely for me, because I was just considering how I know it is likely I will feel at Christmas, and being alone, and uncared for, or about. That, maybe this year- especially with so much pressure from outside of me- I should just 'change it' by responding to any of these guys. None are 'awful', one in fact is actually likely a very good man, or might be. Which makes it worse. I am working anyway, but I've never seen any guy care what time they had to come over. I wouldn't, or "needn't", be alone. If only I would say 'yes'.

But, then I remember something critical- the same feeling was there at 17- and never filled in anyone's presence. And I still want them (all) to find other people. I have even looked up at attachment styles for myself, none fit entirely. (Unless TERROR-FILLED- Avoidant exists! :(:rolleyes: ). And I also think/ know, I am a person 'I' would more likely want to date for knowing me 'exteriorally, but not interiorally. :eek: And I don't believe in playing around with people's hearts, or even time. And at Christmas you can always hook up, too; people are so lonely. I also think of something I heard/ learned once: "Can you (I) just be happy for this minute?"

And so I draw this conclusion (only for myself), this line of thinking is nuts, to grasp on to 'anything', or 'anyone', in a disordered attempt to hide from the pain. It's desperate- but desperate to survive- not thrive. It's actually poor mental health. It's reactive to my pain. I'd still not be cared for, or unlikely to accept it if I were. But there is a lot of pressure from others. That itself doesn't, on it's own, make it a healthy choice though.

As you said, too, maybe someone else truly can fulfill that other person's needs- themself. My part would be frightened, and sad of heart, inside. For me, maybe what others can't understand, is I'd be doing the 'right' thing (maybe), for the wrong reason.

As to being happy? How or 'why' can I be happy? Idk. This morning I heard birds outside singing on this winter day.

Best wishes @NaeNae75 . :hug:

 

[NaeNae75]

@NaeNae75 , Idk if this is helpful. I can relate to parts of this:



And this, or efforts to date from (only 3, in particular) that seem to still want to since years of asking past. I have no idea why:



If I remember correctly you have ptsd, too?

I don't know if this is helpful. I don't have your attributes, but I am plagued by people wanting to date, and I feel- at a loss. (I swear it's inversely proportional to the person wanting to. :( )

I post this for this reason only, and reminded intimately by words in another thread- I'm sorry I can't recall atm who :( - regarding the hole and ever-present pain and fear left behind.

This thread is timely for me, because I was just considering how I know it is likely I will feel at Christmas, and being alone, and uncared for, or about. That, maybe this year- especially with so much pressure from outside of me- I should just 'change it' by responding to any of these guys. None are 'awful', one in fact is actually likely a very good man, or might be. Which makes it worse. I am working anyway, but I've never seen any guy care what time they had to come over. I wouldn't, or "needn't", be alone. If only I would say 'yes'.

But, then I remember something critical- the same feeling was there at 17- and never filled in anyone's presence. And I still want them (all) to find other people. I have even looked up at attachment styles for myself, none fit entirely. (Unless TERROR-FILLED- Avoidant exists! :(:rolleyes: ). And I also think/ know, I am a person 'I' would more likely want to date for knowing me 'exteriorally, but not interiorally. :eek: And I don't believe in playing around with people's hearts, or even time. And at Christmas you can always hook up, too; people are so lonely. I also think of something I heard/ learned once: "Can you (I) just be happy for this minute?"

And so I draw this conclusion (only for myself), this line of thinking is nuts, to grasp on to 'anything', or 'anyone', in a disordered attempt to hide from the pain. It's desperate- but desperate to survive- not thrive. It's actually poor mental health. It's reactive to my pain.

As you said, too, maybe someone else truly can fulfill that other person's needs- themself. My part would be frightened, and sad of heart, inside. For me, maybe what others can't understand, is I'd be doing the 'right' thing (maybe), for the wrong reason.

As to being happy? How or 'why' can I be happy? Idk. This morning I heard birds outside singing on this winter day.

Best wishes @NaeNae75 . :hug:

The person whose texts I was bringing about were from the guy my friends were trying to get me to go out with, not my fella. Yes, I do have PTSD too. That's part of what makes this complicated.

I do relate with what you wrote especially:

And so I draw this conclusion (only for myself), this line of thinking is nuts, to grasp on to 'anything', or 'anyone', in a disordered attempt to hide from the pain. It's desperate- but desperate to survive- not thrive. It's actually poor mental health. It's reactive to my pain.

I think that the part of me that even considered it even with the rest of me screaming against it, is that it was an attempt to hide the pain by using some sort of substitute. I'm facing a lot of hurt in some of the work I'm doing. I have a lot of insecurities surfacing, so why not give in and get instant gratification from someone that tells you nice things about yourself.
Well, that's a gigantic point of my parts work...so that I am the one that soothes those parts for myself. So first chance to use a copout to get in the way? Probably not a good idea. I've also tried to be mindful of other things too.
I'm not sure how it all fits together, but I'm sure it does.

 

[Tinyflame]

Yes @NaeNae75 , though I suppose I don't get gratification from flattery, and I quite abhor attention, especially from (virtual, in my mind) strangers. And self-soothing is beyond me, -because I apparently lack self-compassion. However, equally I do not expect soothing from others.

I don't relate to parts, but if you do that's terrific. I suppose if I called parts wounds, it would be closer.

I really do believe, my heart knows what it feels or doesn't. Being told by others, "Why aren't you married/ living together? / Why is a girl like you single?/ Girls like you aren't single/ or my favorite (sic)- Why not? (re, marriage)", and the like is zero use or help to me. As is, "Oh great! You're single!. (x).."

I've got to live in my own head and body, I hope to do it without causing harm to others, and in the above example- myself, too. I think my most helpful 'course' is (trying, at least, for me), to Let-God-be-God, me-be-me, know the difference, and learn to live with the gratitude and joy that deserves to be present daily (that is present daily- if I realize it and risk living 'in' it), despite- or even because of- getting through traumas.

 

[NaeNae75]

Yes @NaeNae75 , though I suppose I don't get gratification from flattery, and I quite abhor attention, especially from (virtual, in my mind) strangers. And self-soothing is beyond me, -because I apparently lack self-compassion. However, equally I do not expect soothing from others.

I don't relate to parts, but if you do that's terrific. I suppose if I called parts wounds, it would be closer.

I really do believe, my heart knows what it feels or doesn't. Being told by others, "Why aren't you married/ living together? / Why is a girl like you single?/ Girls like you aren't single/ or my favorite (sic)- Why not? (re, marriage)", and the like is zero use or help to me. As is, "Oh great! You're single!. (x).."

I've got to live in my own head and body, I hope to do it without causing harm to others, and in the above example- myself, too. I think my most helpful 'course' is (trying, at least, for me), to Let-God-be-God, me-be-me, know the difference, and learn to live with the gratitude and joy that deserves to be present daily (that is present daily- if I realize it and risk living 'in' it), despite- or even because of- getting through traumas.

It's hard to say if I genuinely like being told by others the good things about me or not. I think the reason I do like it, (except when I don't because I find it fake or creepy) is that somewhere in my mind I woukd like it to counteract all of the bad I've always been told. Like maybe it will cancel some of the hate speak in my head out.
Since I hold on so much to all of those times I was told and shown how meaningless I am, maybe all of the complementary things people say will eventually help offset it.
I think that's why I've been an overachiever/ perfectionist... ti try to offset those things.
But it hasn't worked yet, so I don't know why I'm expecting that to change. People give me accolades all of the time. Wil people who don't really know me. People who look at the surface of things.
Honestly, I also feel like the people who always criticize, barrate, and leave me are the people that know me best. Yikes, that just gave me a sour pang deep into my soul. That actually has me on the verge of tears.
So I guess I feel like the more I fix, maybe I can earn to feel better or have people who "love" me actually love me.
This is the reason one of my counselors wanted to start parts work. We haven't actually started, I'm reading about it all first and doing a workbook. It seems foreign, but I understand the gist of it. Her goal is to make me turn to myself for my self worth. She's got her work cut out... because that really fluctuates in me.
Some days I'm genuinely okay, others I'm almost inconsolable.
I don't need ti be in a relationship to feel whole, at least I have that much going for me! I just happen to enjoy my relationship with K. For the most part, it's real. Generally he sees me for who I am, not what he wants me to be. Sometimes, when he's symptomatic he can't even see himself, let alone me. It's all so much to wrap my head around. I need to slow down and speed up all at the same time... how crazy.

 

[Freida]

Honestly, I also feel like the people who always criticize, barrate, and leave me are the people that know me best. Yikes, that just gave me a sour pang deep into my soul. That actually has me on the verge of tears.

oh hun --- :( The people who know you best are the people that are looking out for you and are happy when you are happy--- no strings attached

Sometimes, when he's symptomatic he can't even see himself, let alone me.

I love this explanation - so I must steal it! :laugh:

 

[LuckiLee]

I haven't commented on your relationship very much so against my better judgment here it goes... I realize 8.5 years is a long time and you are wanting the whole white picket fence story with this guy. But I don't like the fact that you let him break your heart every year. Over and over. And (to me) it looks as things keep getting worse. I understand he's new to therapy but if he's committed (& healthy enough) to you? He should be able to work WITH you to get through these hard times. I mean 8.5 years IS a long time. Most couples have the kinks worked out by now. You know, communication, respect, loyalty, faith, friendship,... If not? What's the point? Believe me I know how hard PTSD relationships are. J and I both do. That's why we work so hard at it. We talk all the freakin time. Try to come up with ideas and plans to make our relationship the best it can be. TOGETHER!! One person doesn't make a couple. He's told you over and over how he can't be what you need. Why don't you believe him? His actions match his words. I think he's your "drug" of choice and you need to wean yourself off of him. This relationship doesn't make you happy anymore and you deserve happiness. Much love to you (both)! Good luck through this really difficult time. I hope this helps in some way and doesn't upset you or cause any more pain. XO

 

[NaeNae75]

oh hun --- :( The people who know you best are the people that are looking out for you and are happy when you are happy--- no strings attached

I love this explanation - so I must steal it! :laugh:

I don't know many people like that... mostly my kids, my sister, and him. Even though he leaves, he still tries to be supportive. But even with my parents, they're shitty ti me at times, but it's based in their misery, not me, if that makes sense. It hurts, and I have taken the dark things from them during their bad periods, culminating in what I've said. But that's not all of them either. I just didn't let the love parts sink in as deeply.
Even with this. It's hard to know what the real truth is because when I'm hurt, I don't know what the truth is or if I'm seeing it right. I try to be realistic in knowing that the hate speak comes from their darkness. But I don't always feel emotionally the way my logic works. I don't know if I've said this in a coherent way...
When I'm in my dark, I live in their dark... when I've got the lights on, I can see their goodness too. I think that if I throw them away, I would have to do that to myself too because we're all a mixture of good and bad.
But now, I'm working on identifying these things and trying to heal them. But because I'm in the beginning stages of this, I'm not doing the best job so far especially with everything else going on.
But I think I can get better with some more practice.

Feel free to steal away

 

[NaeNae75]

I haven't commented on your relationship very much so against my better judgment here it goes... I realize 8.5 years is a long time and you are wanting the whole white picket fence story with this guy. But I don't like the fact that you let him break your heart every year. Over and over. And (to me) it looks as things keep getting worse. I understand he's new to therapy but if he's committed (& healthy enough) to you? He should be able to work WITH you to get through these hard times. I mean 8.5 years IS a long time. Most couples have the kinks worked out by now. You know, communication, respect, loyalty, faith, friendship,... If not? What's the point? Believe me I know how hard PTSD relationships are. J and I both do. That's why we work so hard at it. We talk all the freakin time. Try to come up with ideas and plans to make our relationship the best it can be. TOGETHER!! One person doesn't make a couple. He's told you over and over how he can't be what you need. Why don't you believe him? His actions match his words. I think he's your "drug" of choice and you need to wean yourself off of him. This relationship doesn't make you happy anymore and you deserve happiness. Much love to you (both)! Good luck through this really difficult time. I hope this helps in some way and doesn't upset you or cause any more pain. XO

I'm not upset, dear! I believe your trying to help. I agree with some of what you're saying, but have a different opinion about some other stuff.
But that's the beauty of it. Even if I think differently, I'm very open to other ideas.
Part of the reason, I think, is because as is my (human) nature sometimes only the worst of the worst stuff gets posted in here. This is the only place I've felt safe ti out what tends to be my darkest and most unhelpful thoughts.
The funny thing is, I don't think his actions match his words very much. There's a lot of stuff he does and says that I mean to post, but I don't always. Not very fair, I know.
I am trying to back away myself more right now too, though. I am really trying to be what I need. It's honestly the core of the work I'm doing. To be a whole person who meets all needs through self. Once that is achieved, then others meeting needs becomes a secondary source.

It's funny because as always, the more I back away, the closer he comes. It's silly. He's at his parents, so we haven't texted much. But then he texts more.

Normally we do work things out together. But once in a while, this time of year, he isn't the same person he normally is. For October and November he seems to live more in the past for whatever reason. This year is way worse than it had been, and he's taking about things from years and years ago. But he's been doing it in a way that he's acknowledging that's why he's been a certain way, but realizes he's wrong for it...and that he's working in getting past the resentment he holds for things he's created in his mind....so to speak.
So yeah, I definitely want some distance from that. I don't want the real me to go down with the ship, so to speak. But I do value our relationship, so I haven't severed my ties. Plus I love his son, and my kids and I are some of the only stability in his life.
I would like, later- once some of the hard work is done for us to rekindle a romantic relationship. But I'm not holding too tightly to that. I don't have to have that. He pushes so hard, because that's what ...he thinks I need, not me. Sure, eventually it would be nice, but it's not what I need.

These break ups are based in his belief I need to have sex (which he isn't capable of right now, for various reasons), that I need to get married, and that I need to have someone to sleep with. So he tries to go away "so I can find someone to give me these because he's not sure if he always can" that "I deserve these things" at my fingertips. But these things aren't my actual needs. Sure, they're things that are nice to have, but certainly not needs.
Not for me, anyway. Due to my own issues, these haven't been needs for me, maybe ever.
So, he's only not meeting needs he thinks I need. He wants more for me than I do...
What I need most from him, even when he's "away" he gives me. That's why even when he's been deployed, I've been fine. I don't always physically need him around. I'm not even sure how to explain it. We're really close. We know things about each other that no one else does. He's my secret keeper. My one true confidant. I think maybe that's what I'm unwilling to give up. That I know he's the one person I can trust to know my vulnerable naked self. That's all I've ever really needed. That doesn't come around easily. He's never dishonored that.
Hmmm... this is sort of a revelation to me right now too. That's why sharing your opinion matters. Because this train of thought led me to this station. Thank you for that!
So maybe he is a little bit my drug of choice, but I don't think it's in the way you might think... I'm honestly not sure. I've been through breakups before, and they've hurt, but not like the idea of really losing him. Not even as a boyfriend/ lover... just him.
I think I've always made it safe for him to do this because of how valuable this one quality is to me. It hurts to be broken up, but not really if I know this one thing is safe. And it is. I know this is the one thing he has never let go of with me either. I will have to ask him, but I think this is what he means when he says he loves me but can't explain how because his ability to love anyone romantically is broken.
I think maybe this is important for us to talk about.
I'm so sorry I turned my response to you into this crazy revelation. My mind has been a bit screwy lately. I'm afraid to cut it off at the pass because I don't know if I will think this again if I don't honor it now. I'm not myself right now, or maybe Im trying really hard to meet me... the authentic me. I want to learn about me and love me. Thanks for your kindness and patience