Hi,
I'm Violet, I'm 24 years old. I've been diagnosed with PTSD by a few psychiatrists but I haven't been in therapy for it. I'm agoraphobic and extremely picky, which makes it difficult, but I would love to have a therapist to talk to once a week.
I spent my whole life as a prisoner of my parents and their friends. My father was an alcoholic, who would go between not speaking for days and being sexual with me, as well as screaming and belittling me and my mother. He had my mother completely under his control, until she left us when I was 4. While she was gone, he and his sister ritually abused me. My dad did horrible sexual things to me that I don't want to talk about here.
My mother came back during their divorce proceedings and won custody of me. She had joined a neo-fundamentalist church. They promoted flagellation, violent baptisms, etc. They were extremely conservative, so I was not allowed to read, watch cartoons, play with children from school, etc. Her friend began molesting me on a regular basis; when I tried to tell her she said I was being a bother on purpose.
My mother hated my guts. Everything I did drove her crazy, and she was always calling me names, hysterically crying, and hitting me. I became extremely subservient to her, learning to cook meals at age 7, keeping house etc. I was not allowed to have feelings; if I cried at my dad's house I was mocked, at my mother's I was punished and hit; if I was silly and laughing my dad would make sexual comments that shut me up, and my mother would hit me her hardest (she hated it most when I was loud or effervescent, especially around company).
When I was 10 my dad started transitioning to become a woman. I was taught to support this, but he became increasingly inappropriate with me, showing me his growing breasts, constantly talking about my developing body, always going into detail about his various secretions and hormone issues. This was also when he began to drug me. Mocking me while I cried no longer shut me up, so he took a new approach-- giving me "medicine." This "medicine" was drugs he had illegally bought online-- valium, oxycontin, codeine, etc. I became addicted to these pills, and later when I sought help for my chronic anxiety/suicidal ideation at hospital I was always dismissed as a drug addict and kicked out.
When I was 19 I moved into my boyfriend's house and stopped taking drugs, which I now found vile. My dad cut his testicles off with kitchen shears and told me he did it for me. He began stalking me. I fled the country and eventually stopped speaking to either of my parents. My physical symptoms (syncopy, chronic pain, fibromyalgia) instantly disappeared. But PTSD took it place. I've been on a hair-trigger ever since. I have flashbacks every day. I can't sleep, I can't hold a job. Going outside is hell. I am convinced that my dad will kidnap me. Some days I can't leave my room even to go to the bathroom. I'm suicidal, because I feel like this PTSD is never going to go away.
I just don't believe that anything I've experienced would cause PTSD, so I feel like I have it because of some kind of failure on my part. When I do manage to believe I didn't get this disorder through any fault of my own, I feel stupid for not being better after five years. Isn't it time I was better? Am I not doing this right? Why do I still feel afraid when NOTHING IS HAPPENING?
So, here I am. I don't have a therapist, but I need to talk to someone about all this or I'm gonna go completely nuts. I hope this wasn't too much information for an introduction.
PS, PLEASE do not tell me to forgive my parents. I do not believe in "forgiveness" in this sense. Please respect this within this thread.
I'm Violet, I'm 24 years old. I've been diagnosed with PTSD by a few psychiatrists but I haven't been in therapy for it. I'm agoraphobic and extremely picky, which makes it difficult, but I would love to have a therapist to talk to once a week.
I spent my whole life as a prisoner of my parents and their friends. My father was an alcoholic, who would go between not speaking for days and being sexual with me, as well as screaming and belittling me and my mother. He had my mother completely under his control, until she left us when I was 4. While she was gone, he and his sister ritually abused me. My dad did horrible sexual things to me that I don't want to talk about here.
My mother came back during their divorce proceedings and won custody of me. She had joined a neo-fundamentalist church. They promoted flagellation, violent baptisms, etc. They were extremely conservative, so I was not allowed to read, watch cartoons, play with children from school, etc. Her friend began molesting me on a regular basis; when I tried to tell her she said I was being a bother on purpose.
My mother hated my guts. Everything I did drove her crazy, and she was always calling me names, hysterically crying, and hitting me. I became extremely subservient to her, learning to cook meals at age 7, keeping house etc. I was not allowed to have feelings; if I cried at my dad's house I was mocked, at my mother's I was punished and hit; if I was silly and laughing my dad would make sexual comments that shut me up, and my mother would hit me her hardest (she hated it most when I was loud or effervescent, especially around company).
When I was 10 my dad started transitioning to become a woman. I was taught to support this, but he became increasingly inappropriate with me, showing me his growing breasts, constantly talking about my developing body, always going into detail about his various secretions and hormone issues. This was also when he began to drug me. Mocking me while I cried no longer shut me up, so he took a new approach-- giving me "medicine." This "medicine" was drugs he had illegally bought online-- valium, oxycontin, codeine, etc. I became addicted to these pills, and later when I sought help for my chronic anxiety/suicidal ideation at hospital I was always dismissed as a drug addict and kicked out.
When I was 19 I moved into my boyfriend's house and stopped taking drugs, which I now found vile. My dad cut his testicles off with kitchen shears and told me he did it for me. He began stalking me. I fled the country and eventually stopped speaking to either of my parents. My physical symptoms (syncopy, chronic pain, fibromyalgia) instantly disappeared. But PTSD took it place. I've been on a hair-trigger ever since. I have flashbacks every day. I can't sleep, I can't hold a job. Going outside is hell. I am convinced that my dad will kidnap me. Some days I can't leave my room even to go to the bathroom. I'm suicidal, because I feel like this PTSD is never going to go away.
I just don't believe that anything I've experienced would cause PTSD, so I feel like I have it because of some kind of failure on my part. When I do manage to believe I didn't get this disorder through any fault of my own, I feel stupid for not being better after five years. Isn't it time I was better? Am I not doing this right? Why do I still feel afraid when NOTHING IS HAPPENING?
So, here I am. I don't have a therapist, but I need to talk to someone about all this or I'm gonna go completely nuts. I hope this wasn't too much information for an introduction.
PS, PLEASE do not tell me to forgive my parents. I do not believe in "forgiveness" in this sense. Please respect this within this thread.
