General Is Guilt A Symptom?

[Mrs. T]

H constantly finds something to feel guilty for. Every time he's emotionally having a bad day, he apologizes for being a bad husband and father. Personally, I couldn't be more happy with anyone else, and our kids adore him. From my perspective he's a great dad.

One day our son was joking and said a few times to H, "you're bad daddy". It was relevant to the conversation we were all having, and I thought it was funny because our son was obviously joking. Well I found out the other day that H all of a sudden separated the joking (previous to our sons comments) and the comments made and took our son seriously. He heard, "you're a bad daddy". And it hurt him.

He hears that his family is struggling and he feels guilty he can't give them everything. Feeling worried or bad, I understand, but I truly think he feels guilty for not being able to help. But we do help them every chance we get.

Every small fall my youngest son has, H feels guilty. Doesn't seem to get that same guilt with the older one. I think that's because he still feels guilty for our son's accident last year.

He feels guilty when someone takes time off work and its H's day off but he knows they need help. He will go in on his day off and either volunteer or do some time that he will later take off.

Too much guilt...

 

[amethist]

Hi Mrs T

I wouldn't say guilt was a symptom, but something which effect's them, due to not being or doing what they think they should.

We do our best to except and understand them as best we can, and still love them, for all that PTSD can throw at all of us. But if they feel that they are not as good, have let us down, or as lovable as they once were, they do feel guilty for how it has effected us too.

Try to help him see he should not feel guilty, for something that is beyond his control at times.

Hope this helps to know it is just how it is at times.

Amethist

 

[BigBear]

Guilt can most certainly be a symptom. But some guilt is real.

I don't have PTSD and I have trouble distinguishing in my own life. I think its worse however, for someone with PTSD. I think that often their trauma feels like punishment for being bad. Therefore they take every new trauma (no mater how small) as being punishment for being bad...

As a third possibility, some people scream wolf. "I'm a bad person". But they do it to get others to tell them its not so.

There are probably lots more possibilities...

Bear

 

[Mrs. T]

Makes sense. Although, as much as I have tried to help him understand he should not feel guilty, he seems to take it as me just trying to give him a pep talk. Me just being nice.

And at times he can twist what I say to something completely the opposite of what I mean. Like if I'm trying to explain how he shouldn't feel guilty, sometimes he hears that I am blaming him for something. It hurts him and he says nothing. If I notice I have hurt him, then I walk away confused (or really frustrated) about how I hurt him. At times I don't notice and it comes out days later...or not at all.

It kinda worries me with how much he misperceives that I say. But he doesn't tell me. Just holds it all in, and it tears him apart...:(

 

[Mrs. T]

Bear. I think you're right.

The other day H mentioned how he's a bad person and heaven has no place for him. I was like, "you think you're a bad person?". And he started trying to turn it into a joke, "aren't we all bad? Don't you feel like a bad person?". I said, "no, I feel like a good person."

He's a wonderful person. He says he has messed up thoughts go through his head,that's why he feels like a bad person...

 

[Toria]

Hi again Mrs T - I'm sorry, my memory is awful. Was your Husband in the Army? I think Combat PTSD and guilt go hand in hand. Husband used to have visions "of the children I could not save" - he used to see them in the corners of rooms. That kind of guilt could I suppose be transferred in to normal day to day life.

 

[Mrs. T]

No he wasn't. That would make sense though :( that would be an awful feeling...

H had a lot of different dramas as a child...actually, through most of his life. One of which was a civil war, but he was 8 so that would have been different

 

[Ladyhope Somerset]

Hello all,

My H also feels deep guilt that he survived when others perished. He still sees and smells them. This adds to his lack of self esteem and so any criticism adds to his guilt.

 

[Mrs. T]

I wonder how much of H's guilt is linked to specific trauma. He tries not to acknowledge much of the connections between past and present, though he doesn't deny it. I haven't heard him specifically identify guilt as something he feels.
Guilt definitely seems to be a feeling he is unwilling to acknowledge and try to give up right now.

Is it possible he's afraid to give up that feeling simply because he'd feel like a bad person for not feeling guilty? Just a thought...

 

[Tinyflame]

I don't know either Mrs T, but something about what you've said has something 'right' within it.

 

[LittleBear]

I find this to be an interesting thread. I think a lot of men's guilt is learned as socialization in our society that we should be able to fix anything...anytime...anywhere and protect at all costs those we love. I am currently working through this with my therapist. I am a 58 year old male who has suffered guilt for everything from spilled milk to not being able to prevent loved ones deaths. Women suffer many times from guilt in the same sense but about different situations.

I would be willing to say there are things you feel guilty about because of your own socialization yet ignore your own feelings. I can't offer you a solution just my personal observation from my own experiences. Guilt comes from loving someone and the more desperately we love someone the more guilty we feel when our desire to absolutely protect or provide for them falls short. Guilt is a backfire of love and that love is usually focused on the weakest of the clan.

My therapist has sent me into near and occasional full blown panic attacks while he tries to convince me I (we) have no real control over the destiny of those we deeply love. As I mentioned I am 58 years old and the more I realize he's right the more terrified I become which only makes me attempt to try harder and therefore more guilty if I fail.

Again, guilt is a consequence of love. The contra-emotion to love.

Bless y'all.

LBear

 

[Tinyflame]

LBear, I've never heard that.
So maybe guilt is related to loss, or fear of it.