Relationship Is He Cheating?

[Nelson2015]

Okay... This is the 2nd post I have made... Feel free to read the 1st one... It tells our story.

My fiancé and I were together for almost 3 years, and we lived together for most of that. I knew he had Combat PTSD with TBI, but just recently in the past month it has taken over. A number of things has contributed... Money, fights, family emergencies, moving without a choice, and random stupid stuff.

I never in a million years think he would cheat on me, so I need your help and advice.

He apparently had been "unhappy" for a long time withough telling, but stressors eventually took over and the PTSD was in full throttle. He went from 100% to a stranger in a matter of one week. That's why I don't think he is or was cheating... Well one reason.

Anyway, when his PTSD took over he started wanting to stay at a friend's house (male). He was shady with his phone... I later found out he had changed his background picure to a picture of him and his unit. Maybe he was guarding it? Does that make sense? He broke up with me and we both moved out of our apartment. He says I was a trigger... realizing later I was a stressor and no longer feels uneasy around me. When he came home from his friend's house I always checked his clothes and never found evidence of sex.

Since we have broken up we have had sex 2 times... I know probably not the best thing to do. But we did. And he shows interest in wanting to have sex again. When we do have sex it's amazing... and just feels like he hasnt been with anyone. We have so much built up ya know.

Now that we are apart he texts me daily. When he wakes up he texts me, and when he is at work we text. When he gets off work in the evenings we generally don't talk... Sometimes it's late. When I brought the fact that we don't talk at night up and that it bothers me... He got a little better at texting in the evenings. He sends me selfies occasionally and tells me when things are happening... therapists, ect.

He says he wants to hang out and stuff... Although we are both busy with work and stuff at the moment.

I have asked him multiple times if he has been with anyone else. He says no... He would never do that to me.

I don't think he would show any interest in being with me sexually, talking to me, or hanging out with me if he was with someone else. With his PTSD (which is very real... He has opened up slightly since we broke up) I don't think he would care to juggle both seeing as how leaving me has affected me.

 

[Nelson2015]

Also... He has changed his appearance slightly? Is that common? I read all the signs of cheating, and it fits... But PTSD makes everything so different. It's on a different level... The signs could just be part of the PTSD.

He grew his beard out... then shaved it bc it bothered him. He hasn't been dressing differently, but has aquired a few new shirts. His cologne has changed... He says his friend that he is staying with gave it to him.

 

[ihateusernames]

This may sound obnoxious, but here's my response: If he is having sex with somebody else it's not cheating. You've broken up.

I obviously have no idea whether he's cheating and can easily see it going either way. Sex isn't going to feel different if he's been with somebody else. It would be nice if it was that easily detected, but it's not. Plenty of men (and women) can have sex with no emotional output. Even if they're doing poorly, sex is easy, and often a good pick-me-up. I don't drink, don't take any form of drugs, but I used to have compulsive sex, much like now I eat way too much. His emotional state does not necessarily prevent him from doing this.

That's not to say that he is. Growing a beard can just be lack of personal care- and they do itch, just like our legs start itching. He may have bought new shirts because he liked them or because shopping makes him feel good or because he didn't bring enough clothing to his friend's house.

I'm sorry, I know that's not the type of response that you want, but it's all that can really be said. I guess live your own life and wait and see are the best advice I can give.

 

[Nelson2015]

Thank you @ihateusernames

Right before we broke up he didn't want to have sex. I'm aware that he wouldn't be cheating now, but that doesn't change the fact that it was happening at the end of was was. Now he wants to have sex... saying he lays in bed at night thinking about what he wants to do to me.

 

[moonbeam]

Maybe he was cheating. Maybe he wasn't. The only person who can tell you that is him.

But I do think there are several issues here.

A. You checked his clothes to see if he had been having sex? That's a really big trust issue and a huge of violation of your partner. How would you feel if someone was checking your clothes?
Trust is huge in all relationships. He has told you he wasn't cheating. Its up to you to decide if you trust and believe him or not.

Sure we can tell you that libidos change and stress makes people not want to have sex. Or maybe he is enjoying the sex more without the pressures of a relationship. Or maybe he is sleeping around. Only he can tell you that.

B. You've put unhappy in quotes. This implies you don't believe he was unhappy. Just because you might not have seen it or realised doesn't mean he didn't feel that way. A huge thing about being a supporter is that while you might not always understand your sufferers emotions they do have to be treated with respect (and so do yours).

C. You aren't together anymore. So anything he does since you broke up isn't cheating. We really can't say if you'll get back together or not. He might want to. He might be enjoying the benefits of the relationship (continued sex, texting, etc.) without the pressure. He might find someone else. You might find someone else. I know PTSD adds complications to relationships but please make sure you are drawing healthy boundaries for yourself. It would be really horrible for you to come back in the future and resent him for things that occured after the breakup.

 

[digger]

If this is true...

I never in a million years think he would cheat on me

Then why would you do this...

When he came home from his friend's house I always checked his clothes and never found evidence of sex.

?:confused:

 

[Nelson2015]

@digger

Only bc we are talking abut a guy that didn't want to leave me to go work let alone over night. In one week he completely changed. So while I chose to believe and trust him... it was hard. He didn't tell me what was going on until it was too late. I had no clue, so my mind went to a place I really didn't think it would ever go. I don't think he cheated on me.

@moonbeam

As far as him being unhappy... I put it quotes bc like I said... He never told me. I never saw it until about a week before we broke up. I'm not saying it wasn't there... I just was completely in the dark. He said he tried to fix himself b4 he had to drag me through the pain. He shouldn't have waited so long... I'm still here for him. I am his only real supporter.