Hi everyone! :)
Like most of the other newbies, I have stumbled upon this forum and joined out of desperation and looking for support. I have been reading a lot and learning a lot from this forum so thank you very much for everyone's questions and replies. Honestly, I have learned a LOT and have a much better understanding of things if my boyfriend does have PTSD.
Ok, so a little background. I have been with my boyfriend for 6 months and we are in a long distance relationship as he lives in NY and I live in FL. He was an army medic and did a few tours in Iraq and Afghanistan (and one secret mission in Korea a few years ago). He has never told me he suffers from PTSD but with recent actions, I am beginning to think that may be the reason for his behavior. Everything has been fine and lovely dovey (as most new relationships are). I was just up visiting him in December and we had such a relaxing, non-eventful but very intimate time (on a deep level). We both do not like when our time together has to come to an end and we both get depressed (as I'm sure most couples would?). My boyfriend calls me every night at 11 when he gets off work and we talk during his ride home. I also call him every day when I get off work but it usually just goes to voicemail. Still he says he likes for me to call because he likes hearing my voice. We also speak every day on the weekend. Well, when I came back from my last trip this December, I didn't get a call from him on the following Thursday night. I asked him the next day, Friday, via text, if he was ok and he said he was. I let it go and even though I was confused and hurt, didn't contact him out of respect for the fact that I thought he may need some space. I know he is depressed and has a lot of pressure at work right now. Having suffered from depression for many years (i've been on medication for 5 years and have been seeing a therapist weekly for the past year and half), I understand when you just need your space. It's a dark place to be in but it happens. Monday morning he sends me a text saying he is sorry for having not contacted me all weekend. I said I understand and then things went back to normal where he was calling me every night. His reason for not contacting me was that everyone at work was coming at him with relationship problems and he was getting agitated (he's a real nice guy and listens well) so he didn't want to project any of that on me. He also said he didn't want me to misconstrue anything he may have said and take it personal. I completely understood. I said that a lot of times things are said out of anger but it isn't a true reflection of how people feel on a topic. Still he wanted to be safe and I respect his decision.
Ok so now, here we are, and things are going well. Well, not this past Thursday but the one before that, he didn't call. Again, I got worried that something may have happened (I don't live up there so I have no idea what is going on) and especially after our conversation on Wednesday night, I thought maybe he was in a bad way. I called when he would be getting home Thursday night and he didn't answer. I texted him Friday afternoon saying that I just wanted to make sure he was ok. He replied a few hours later and said "I'm fine." I said ok, thank you and put a little smiley. I have not heard from him since. This past Wednesday, I sent him a text message saying it has been a week and I haven't heard from him. I asked "Did something happen? are you ok? I am just asking because I am worried/concerned about you..." Not one response. Here we are Saturday and still no call or text.
Now, I mentioned that based on the talk we had Wednesday night, I was concerned he may be in a bad way so allow me to elaborate. He told me Wednesday night that he went to see his psychologist that day. He has been feeling like he needs to go back into the service and he has a lot of internal turmoil. Apparently, he started seeing his psychologist when he returned from his last tour because he had a hard time justifying killing all the people he killed. He felt they had no need or right to die and it bothered him that he had to do what he did. He really opened up a lot to me that night. He said his psychologist said he was very volatile right now and if he didn't watch it, he was going to hurt everyone close to him. It got to the point where he walked out of the room (with his psychologies) because he got so angry and at one point the psychologist walked out because she got so angry with him. In the end though everything was ok between them. Then he said he and his psychologist talked a lot about me and since he opened the door, I asked what about. He said he didn't really want to get into it because it was late and he just got home. He was mentally exhausted. I completely understood that and said no problem. I said I'll talk to you tomorrow and he said "you better believe it. sweet dreams beautiful." That's the last I've heard from him.
I saw my therapist last Monday and was upset because I was taking it personal. I didn't know what I did or what went wrong all of a sudden. She asked me if he suffers from PTSD and I said I didn't know. We talked some more and I left there sad and trying to come to terms with the fact that it may be over. I was curious about PTSD though so I have been reading as much as I can to learn about it and have been reading posts on lots of forums. There were a lot of "signs" that if I knew he had PTSD I would have caught and realized that he would be pulling back. He couldn't sleep, was up late, had bad headaches, couldn't stop thinking about things, was stressed over his future and his lack of being able to obtain what he wanted, his therapist said he was volatile... all these things and I had no idea! It all makes sense though and I wonder if he IS suffering from PTSD? I guess it is more of a rhetorical question because no one can make that diagnosis nor am I really asking anyone to... I guess I'm trying to make sense of everything and hoping to validate what is going on.
With that in mind, now what do I do? I have read that sometimes its best not to contact them and other times it is best to show them you are there and waiting. I know it depends on the person but being that this is my first time "dealing with this," if that is what this is, I do not know what to do. I feel terrible that I sent the worried text saying I haven't heard from him in a week because I feel I added more pressure on him and that is the last thing I want to do. I, like everyone else in this situation, want to help. So do I send him a text or give him a ring? Do I keep giving him space? Do I contact his partner and see if he is alive? My gut tells me he is alive and I don't want to get other people involved in his business... not my place. I am trying to accept the fact that maybe it is over too but I really care so very much about him and want the future we discussed to really become a reality. I just don't want to do the wrong thing and push him further away than I may have done...
Any suggestions or thoughts are greatly appreciated. Thank you for reading this LONG post and listening... I truly appreciate it. :)
Like most of the other newbies, I have stumbled upon this forum and joined out of desperation and looking for support. I have been reading a lot and learning a lot from this forum so thank you very much for everyone's questions and replies. Honestly, I have learned a LOT and have a much better understanding of things if my boyfriend does have PTSD.
Ok, so a little background. I have been with my boyfriend for 6 months and we are in a long distance relationship as he lives in NY and I live in FL. He was an army medic and did a few tours in Iraq and Afghanistan (and one secret mission in Korea a few years ago). He has never told me he suffers from PTSD but with recent actions, I am beginning to think that may be the reason for his behavior. Everything has been fine and lovely dovey (as most new relationships are). I was just up visiting him in December and we had such a relaxing, non-eventful but very intimate time (on a deep level). We both do not like when our time together has to come to an end and we both get depressed (as I'm sure most couples would?). My boyfriend calls me every night at 11 when he gets off work and we talk during his ride home. I also call him every day when I get off work but it usually just goes to voicemail. Still he says he likes for me to call because he likes hearing my voice. We also speak every day on the weekend. Well, when I came back from my last trip this December, I didn't get a call from him on the following Thursday night. I asked him the next day, Friday, via text, if he was ok and he said he was. I let it go and even though I was confused and hurt, didn't contact him out of respect for the fact that I thought he may need some space. I know he is depressed and has a lot of pressure at work right now. Having suffered from depression for many years (i've been on medication for 5 years and have been seeing a therapist weekly for the past year and half), I understand when you just need your space. It's a dark place to be in but it happens. Monday morning he sends me a text saying he is sorry for having not contacted me all weekend. I said I understand and then things went back to normal where he was calling me every night. His reason for not contacting me was that everyone at work was coming at him with relationship problems and he was getting agitated (he's a real nice guy and listens well) so he didn't want to project any of that on me. He also said he didn't want me to misconstrue anything he may have said and take it personal. I completely understood. I said that a lot of times things are said out of anger but it isn't a true reflection of how people feel on a topic. Still he wanted to be safe and I respect his decision.
Ok so now, here we are, and things are going well. Well, not this past Thursday but the one before that, he didn't call. Again, I got worried that something may have happened (I don't live up there so I have no idea what is going on) and especially after our conversation on Wednesday night, I thought maybe he was in a bad way. I called when he would be getting home Thursday night and he didn't answer. I texted him Friday afternoon saying that I just wanted to make sure he was ok. He replied a few hours later and said "I'm fine." I said ok, thank you and put a little smiley. I have not heard from him since. This past Wednesday, I sent him a text message saying it has been a week and I haven't heard from him. I asked "Did something happen? are you ok? I am just asking because I am worried/concerned about you..." Not one response. Here we are Saturday and still no call or text.
Now, I mentioned that based on the talk we had Wednesday night, I was concerned he may be in a bad way so allow me to elaborate. He told me Wednesday night that he went to see his psychologist that day. He has been feeling like he needs to go back into the service and he has a lot of internal turmoil. Apparently, he started seeing his psychologist when he returned from his last tour because he had a hard time justifying killing all the people he killed. He felt they had no need or right to die and it bothered him that he had to do what he did. He really opened up a lot to me that night. He said his psychologist said he was very volatile right now and if he didn't watch it, he was going to hurt everyone close to him. It got to the point where he walked out of the room (with his psychologies) because he got so angry and at one point the psychologist walked out because she got so angry with him. In the end though everything was ok between them. Then he said he and his psychologist talked a lot about me and since he opened the door, I asked what about. He said he didn't really want to get into it because it was late and he just got home. He was mentally exhausted. I completely understood that and said no problem. I said I'll talk to you tomorrow and he said "you better believe it. sweet dreams beautiful." That's the last I've heard from him.
I saw my therapist last Monday and was upset because I was taking it personal. I didn't know what I did or what went wrong all of a sudden. She asked me if he suffers from PTSD and I said I didn't know. We talked some more and I left there sad and trying to come to terms with the fact that it may be over. I was curious about PTSD though so I have been reading as much as I can to learn about it and have been reading posts on lots of forums. There were a lot of "signs" that if I knew he had PTSD I would have caught and realized that he would be pulling back. He couldn't sleep, was up late, had bad headaches, couldn't stop thinking about things, was stressed over his future and his lack of being able to obtain what he wanted, his therapist said he was volatile... all these things and I had no idea! It all makes sense though and I wonder if he IS suffering from PTSD? I guess it is more of a rhetorical question because no one can make that diagnosis nor am I really asking anyone to... I guess I'm trying to make sense of everything and hoping to validate what is going on.
With that in mind, now what do I do? I have read that sometimes its best not to contact them and other times it is best to show them you are there and waiting. I know it depends on the person but being that this is my first time "dealing with this," if that is what this is, I do not know what to do. I feel terrible that I sent the worried text saying I haven't heard from him in a week because I feel I added more pressure on him and that is the last thing I want to do. I, like everyone else in this situation, want to help. So do I send him a text or give him a ring? Do I keep giving him space? Do I contact his partner and see if he is alive? My gut tells me he is alive and I don't want to get other people involved in his business... not my place. I am trying to accept the fact that maybe it is over too but I really care so very much about him and want the future we discussed to really become a reality. I just don't want to do the wrong thing and push him further away than I may have done...
Any suggestions or thoughts are greatly appreciated. Thank you for reading this LONG post and listening... I truly appreciate it. :)
