General Is His Behaviour Ptsd Related?

[southernsoftie]

I've been seeing a guy for 8 months who has PTSD as a consequence of a long period in the fire service. He is also a recovering alcoholic who attends AA regularly and hasn't drunk for a couple of years. Just recently, we have had a number of arguments which start because of very minor things such as me suggesting changes to plans (not implementing them but suggesting only) and the last major one started because I commented that I was too hot (it was 35 degrees and we were in a stuffy hotel room with no aircon!). I am completely in the dark in understanding how such minor things spiral into major arguments when I am not an argumentative person and he always comes over as very calm. When we have argued, I am left feeling unhappy and understandably I tend to be a little quiet. He behaves as if nothing has happened and accuses me of being sulky because I'm quiet.

I'm really worried about his behaviour and it's making me increasingly unhappy. I don't want to walk away from him but if the way he behaves may leave me no choice as I don't think I'm strong enough if these kind of arguments are going to happen over and over again. He doesn't like talking about anything related to drink or PTSD so talking to him isn't going to work and will probably end up in another argument.
Having done my research I'm really scared I have fallen for someone who I can't be with.

 

[RedBalloon]

My boyfriend is like this. Exactly like this! He lost it when I tried to change the restaurant we were going to. A simple complaint makes him feel like he's being criticized while he's trying to keep me happy. A complaint is just one more drop in his glass to make him go on overload & lose it. Have you seen the PTSD Cup explanation?

I am with my boyfriend for 8 months, too. The more I read through this forum, the more I get it. My book arrived today, "The Post Traumatic Stress Disorder Relationship." There's a lot to relearn if we want to be with these men. Can we do it? I want to try, but we'll see. Is he not in regular therapy?

 

[southernsoftie]

I'm really glad you replied. I was beginning to think that I was being melodramatic and actually he's just not a very nice person! I haven't seent the cup explanation but I'll look it up now.

He goes to see someone to do eye movement desensitization and reprocessing once a week (although hasn't been for a couple of weeks as we went away for a week and the after another silly argument he has gone to stay with a friend until tomorrow. Other than that I know he has been to a rehab centre to help with alcohol and also goes to AA every week (apart from the last couple).

I feel so confused because I have no idea what is PTSD and what is his true personality because I've only known him for a few months and I don't know how he'll react if I ask him whether he's having a hard time with his PTSD at the moment.

Nothing seems to say anywhere that it will ever get any easier and I can't help thinking that there are things I want like marriage and kids which I may never be able to have if I stay with him. Am I right to stay with him when I'm so worried?

 

[RedBalloon]

Read this forum like crazy, read the cup explanation, and buy that book! It has opened my eyes. Your boyfriend's true personality is what you're seeing. You love the guy who isn't blowing his top, but the guy you love is going to blow his top, because he has PTSD. We try to treat them like "normal" boyfriends from our past, but we can't. We have to remove stressors. For me, that's a lot of bending, a lot of patience to practice, etc.

Only we can decide if we can make these changes to accommodate them while they heal. I'm not sure I can do it, either, but I want to try. If I can't, I'll walk. I think, though, there are probably many differentiating factors to each person. Try and make notes about his stressors, and triggers. I.E.; Someone's partner may be triggered by the sound of fireworks, or a baby screaming. Others may not. We have to figure those out. Regardless, it seems like they all have the PTSD in their cups, somehow & we need to create environment in which we remove the stressors.

 

[southernsoftie]

We had another row because i tried to talk about why we argue so much, I suggested that it might have something to do with PTSD (amongst other possibility reasons), he reacted badly,I asked him to leave, he left. Now what?

 

[RedBalloon]

You need to decide, and he needs to decide if you can handle this relationship. It's no walk in the park!
My advice is to research all the traits of PTSD & cross check them to how you're handling him. And then decide. Stay, or go. I love my guy, so I want to try to reduce the stressors. I don't know if I'll be successful though. But the key here is that I am going to research the hell out of PTSD & see if I can help by reducing stressors.

Your guy seems to have a lot on his plate. You need to take those things off the plate. He clearly doesn't want to talk about these things... Correction... Doesn't have the capacity to do so...

 

[southernsoftie]

So I'm just supposed not say anything at all-just ignore all of what he says and act happy all the time? Sorry not being grouchy just desperate to know what to do. He says PTSD is not an issue but just accuses me of being at fault as the alternative reason.

All of the stuff on this forum seems I should just put up with his behaviour or if I can't then to end it. No one seems to actually give me a realistic idea of what to do when he's being defensive and repeating the same statement again and again or just sitting there or accusing me of having the problem. Do I just sit and agree with him?

 

[amethist]

Hi southernsoftie

No you should not put up with his bad behavior at all. even if it was PTSD based, this does not give him or anyone else the right to treat you badly. Call him out on it by all means.

I am married to my sufferer and he is not allowed to treat me badly at all. If he does he is told he has crossed the line, and to understand why I called him out.

if he wont listen to what you are saying, walk away telling him why. Let him think about it before going back. If he persists with this and wont listen to reason, he could be in denial. If this is the case, your up against a brick wall.

Anyone who says you should put up with bad behavior for any reason is wrong.

 

[southernsoftie]

Thank you

 

[Nicolette]

if he wont listen to what you are saying, walk away telling him why. Let him think about it before going back.

This could be as simple as going into another room and ignoring him for awhile - it does not have to be dramatic to start with. Some times saying a few brief words and walking out of the room is enough to shock them, you demonstrate you are not buying into any argument, and then they digest it in their time. Don't go back into the room and keep checking up... just let him be and, if you need to go into that room, do it quickly as necessitated and leave - don't poke and prod. Their brains are sometimes overloaded so they need processing time.

 

[southernsoftie]

He does seem to process stuff and become more reasonable when he's had some 'time out'. After our bust up last night he went home but he is coming over shortly so who knows!

Thank you - really needed this site last night and it was totally there for me!

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I am a sufferer and not trying to step on any toes.

However...

PTSD makes us react in certain ways which seem irrational or harsh. This does not mean we are unkind or not nice people.

Also, you are not seeing your boyfriends "true" personality. It is the PTSD. I'm not saying its acceptable, rather fault should go where it's due.

I feel the need to point these two things out as if they were true, all sufferers would be unkind people with horrible personalities.

I wish you the best...