Is Isolation Really My Destiny?

[Fox]

You situation sounds much like mine except I was military. There isn't much I can say to help except pe...

Thank you Deadman. That does help. I feel particularly close to the military and law enforcement sufferers. I guess there's something about being institutionalised in that way and a comradeship that pervades. Thank you <3

 

[FireSign8]

I find the dog in my life has saved me from total insanity. He is a great listener & never lies to me & always has himself ready for hugs & licks & taking over my bed when I get up to use the bathroom! He never steals the covers or the money I leave on the desk. That's enough for me at this stage of my life. Otherwise, I have endless trees in the forest area that I can look at from the backyard & this also brings additional free entertainment in the form of eagles, birds, wild turkeys, deer, raccoon & more squirrels than I ever need to see until my dying day.
I don't have to work anymore, so I can relax & enjoy these "free" things that life offers to me & anyone else who takes the time to notice them.
Yes, I live in isolation. But I grew up as an only child so it feels "normal" to me to be alone.
Without the dog, I know I'd find a bar & get myself into trouble again. I don't want to go back to my old life. I prefer being alone & isolated from the outside world. If it gets really bad, I know how to order groceries online & have them delivered if I need to. But first, I am trying to grow a garden in a wire cage to keep the squirrels from stealing my food! These little f*cks are worse than rats. Never a dull moment when dealing with nature. I live in a flood zone & refuse to think of that because I know I will go into full blown cPTSD panic attack mode. Then there is that volcano that is due to erupt. No, I won't go there either.

In other words, do what you can for yourself & eventually things do get better. But, it pains me to say this, "Trust no one & accept each moment in time as it comes".

 

[A little lost]

Hi and welcome to the community Fox.

I feel exactly the same as you....let me correct that, I felt exactly the same as you until I discovered the community here roughly 9 days ago.
I isolated myself a fair few years ago when I ran from a situation to a place where I knew no one and nobody knew me. I am unable to work for medical reasons and am also stuck with Social Anxiety Disorder on top of my PTSD. As a result the only time I leave my home is once a week for my counselling session unless it is an absolute emergency.
I have 3 rescue cats who are all mentally incapable of coping with the outside world due to the way they were abused as very young kittens, one has never mentally matured beyond about 6 months . So it's just me with 3 house cats.....the classic crazy cat lady I suppose in the eyes of folk who don't know me. My cats are what keep me from doing something stupid to myself and always give me a reason to smile at least once a day.
I started counselling recently with the hope of learning how to live with my history and get back to a "normal" life. On a very bad day when I was losing hope, I found here.....and I have never felt so much non judgemental acceptance as I have received from the folk here.
I hope that you get as much benefit from being here as I have had in such a short period of time. I am no longer isolated and alone, and I hope to one day not be afraid to plug back into the real world.
You aren't on your own anymore, you are a part of a special group of people now.

 

[LadyZane]

my stuffed animals

I love this. My stuffed animals got me through my childhood and I still have them all together in a canvas bag on my closet shelf where I can see them every day. I could never get rid of them!

@Fox I'm 38 and I have an imaginary friend. I do have a couple IRL friends but the older we get the less time we have for each other. They also both come from big families, unlike me, and for them their families always come first. I'm married, too, but my husband and I both have mental health issues and sometimes it feels harder than being alone.

I didn't create my "imaginary friend" on purpose, he just kind of created himself one day, partly from a dream. I'm a writer, so writing the dream down kind of took off and turned into a bigger story about his life, so I guess that's probably where he came from.

I also have a sort of imaginary father figure who takes the form of an older celebrity I admire and know a lot about. I never had any trusted adults growing up and even now as an adult myself -- maybe even more than when I was younger -- I really feel the absence in my life. So he "fills in" when I really need someone, especially when I have difficulties in my relationship. I'll even imagine calling him up for advice and what he would say!

I think I'm probably crazy for it, too, but like @VioletButterfly I stopped caring about labels. Life is hard without PTSD, and it's really hard with it, and anything that not only gets you through your day but helps you actually feel happy is serving you.

 

[VioletButterfly]

@LadyZane - I have quite a few of my friends that sit along a rather long shelf at the end of my bed and then a bunch in the closet as well. I could never send them away either. Many have been with me since I was a small child. :inlove:

I enjoy writing as well and what you shared struck me. I've never really thought about what goes on in my imagination as I'm spinning awake in the morning, pushing through twilight. Often, when the anxiety is high as I'm waking, I talk to a friend who lives in Africa which is an island in my dream state. Her name is Henrietta and she's a Hippo, we talk about Mr. Turtle, the Lionesses, the Giraffes, etc... that come to the large pond that sits between me and the island of Africa. She tells me when she's going to get berries for breakfast and urges me to get up and eat. All kinds of conversations ensue as she and I try to calm me and get me up and going. It's kind of odd, but comforting. I tend to do things like that without thinking - a lot. I've had a rather open and prolific imagination since I was young. I grew up rather alone as well. One of my favorite things to do now is to look at children's books and create my own stories from the pictures. No artist here, so I just borrow inspiration. As you said, making the most of each day.

@Fox - I'm glad to know you have animals and nature even if it's a bit out-of-sorts at the moment. I love horses. I grew up around them, but am terrified of them - they are so huge. Beautiful though. Chickens? Hmmm. I remember wanting to take a chick home with me from my Great Aunt's farm when I was little, but goodness I wouldn't know what to do with one now. lol So you do have friends, just not so many humans. They give you love and you give them love. You both have beating hearts and warmth. You enjoy one another's company? Well, maybe the horse isn't like Mr. Ed and telling you with words, but maybe with a nuzzle while you're brushing him/her? Your dog is happy to see you, yes? What is missing for you? What do you feel like you really need right now? Do you feel that you are friends with yourself?

I wonder about these issues for myself. Eventually, I will venture out in some manner, but right now tangential contact seems to work in some ways. Not in all ways as I am lonely a great deal, but I have to ask myself if I'm really capable of having a relationship right now with another person. There are trust issues, my tendency to shut myself away when I can't deal with the world (people without challenges don't get this disappearing act) and just rusty people skills involved on my side of the equation. Can "I" be a friend with all those responsibilities right now? What do you really think you're missing in not having steady friends or family in your life? I ask myself this as well. For me, it just seems like something is missing. I don't know. Trying to fill a void of some sort, but that void has been there all my life even when "family" and "friends" were there. CPTSD? Life is very different now than it was 10 years or even 4 years ago though. I'm different and not especially happy about it. This is where self-compassion and mindfulness really help.

Rambling.... so, I'll close. Hoping you find some answers for yourself. Know that you are not alone out here. If it's okay.... :hug::hug:

 

[Tornadic Thoughts]

Her name is Henrietta and she's a Hippo

You just reminded me of one of my favorite shows growing up.....The New Zoo Review. There was a Henrietta the Hippo on there, too. :) New Zoo Revue - Intro and Theme Song

 

[VioletButterfly]

@Tornadic Thoughts - Ha ha ha! I remember that! Between that and the show with Witchiepoo, it's a wonder we're not all warped! Thanks for the share. Should I put this on the song thread now? :hilarious:

BTW, I was in HomeGoods the other day and they had a set of African animals in the children's area that caught my eye. Gee, I wonder why?! Ever the child... :playful:

 

[jade53]

So this is very new to me. I've never been on any kind of forum in my life. And I certainly didn't think I'...

Having just found this site and reading your post, I think my avatar says it all for many of us really and why self-isolation seems to go with the territory. It's a standard mentallity "that we look alright" (up until we might hurt someone while we care about the difference between right and wrong).

It could be that unless caused by something clearly visible and understood to be "blameless" like a car accident it's univerally difficult for anyone that wasn't there to comprehend how mental trauma can be far greater than the physical before,during and after. For instance mine manifested before 9/11 and like many apparently was misdiagnosed as bipolar. etc., etc. while all during there was a report from a therapist with the Governmnent who unbeknown to me or (anyone else) had been treating me for it before "being retired".and medicinally lobotomized by the first doctor misdiagnosing as bipolar.

My experience after self-isolating myself to a country with people that barely understand a thing I say is that I really only have trouble and need to be on anti-psychotics again when I try and communicate about it with anyone back home telling me I'm making stories up to make them feel guilty. They all have issues over it being me who allegedly abandoned them before I hurt someone after twice being threatened with incarceration under the mental health act for trying to communicate the unbelievable truth.

If it helps I've since learned that people who talk to themselves, (or an imaginary friend) is more a sign of other people's mental problems than my own because rarely have I found a person with inherent beliefs that believes the truth enough to understand.