Is It Denial Or Am I Protecting Her?

[Reds]

So during the hypnosis session with my T, I gave her the entire story of what happened in my childhood. So I also told her about my mother sending me to a different province after learning about what the bad shadow was doing to me. So my T said my mother sent me away, that got me so upset.

I thought I should bring it up with my T but I really don't want her thinking my mother is bad. I don't want to accept that my mother sent me away after I told her what the man was doing to me. He was supposed to be sent away and not me :(

I needed the care and love at that time but was sent away, I get so upset with my T every time she wants to discuss this part of my childhood. That every time she brings it up I just leave her office and hate her so much.

Is it really wrong that I want to protect my mother and don't want to think of it as her choosing him over me? Please note him is not my father. I was sent away from my home but he got to stay. That is the truth so why do I get so mad at my T when she brings it up? ugh, I am just feeling ...so mad right now

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Because we all want mommy's love. Mommy sending you away is not an act of love (ie choosing a man over her own child....disgusting, really). Facing that fact is facing mommy possibly not loving you.

 

[Hashi]

I think it's possible that your mother loved you but didn't act responsibly towards you, for whatever reasons.

I'm afraid I think it's minimisation. It's shattering to have to accept that we weren't taken good enough care of. As children, we can't afford to see our caregivers as failing us because we depend on them. We try to find excuses for their actions, or quickly forgive them and try not to think about it. That carries on into adulthood.

It's very painful to look at these things. I'm sorry you're going through this.

 

[Rumors]

My mom passed away a few years ago. She was a great lady and a good mom and person. However, she had her issues to which I never understood well until after she died and until my therapist began discussing our relationship. In the beginning, I felt the need to defend my dead mother who had loved me so much. I, too, was defensive and angry talking about the things that were deep. Here is what I realized;

My mom, however imperfect/perfect she was, did the best she could and loved me unconditionally. There were things I needed that perhaps I didn't get, but there were also incredible journeys that were full of experience, love, and fulfilling. I came to understand that my mom had some depression/mental health issues that went untreated and undiagnosed that made her unavailable at times. Being real about who she was doesn't desecrate her memory, but simply allows me to be a better mom and I think that is what she would want. Understanding how she parented allowed me to let go of some things and move forward. She was a great woman, with faults, but I don't know anyone who doesn't have them.

I think the journey you should take with your therapist about your mom may be similar. It is not about placing blame or finding fault, but about understanding where you came from so you can move forward. If in that journey you find that you didn't get some things you needed from your mom, that's ok. It doesn't make her the devil. You may find some anger holed up inside you or you may not. It's ok. Here is what you do with that information, process it and use it to find your truth and your path to happiness and peace. I urge you to walk this path now because there may be things you want to say to your mom, help you could give her, closure for yourself that may never be fulfilled when she is gone. The thing I most regret now that my mom is gone, is that she went so many years fighting depression and anxiety and didn't get the help she really needed and I think her quality of life at times was poor. I walk this path because I am my mother's daughter and I, too, carry her inside me. In looking at her life, I was able to realize there are things I need to be proactive on so that I don't walk the same path.

Best wishes in this journey. It is hard. I love and miss my mom EVERYDAY! She was a beautiful, imperfect mom that I wouldn't trade for anything. She made mistakes and at times made bad choices. I have chosen to recognize those and reconcile them so they don't determine my future. I can recognize them for what they are and choose to make better choices in my life. ((Hugs)). I know how hard this subject is. I hope sharing my story has helped you feel more at peace.

 

[Reds]

Wow, thank you Rumors. I wish I was as mature as you are about this subject. I am sorry about your mom, I hope it gets better with time. You really just made me feel a lot better, I needed it

 

[Rumors]

It was a long time before I could reconcile my fear and anger towards my T when discussing my mom. It didn't happen overnight! I still cringe some when he says she was "unavailable" to me at times. There is always that first gut reaction that I am not being loyal, however I have come to understand that it is a process. I think you have to understand this isn't an attack on your mom, but a journey for you to understand where you came from. There will be faults everywhere, not just with your mom's behavior. Use them as a tool to heal, not to blame and you will be fine.

 

[Rumors]

Last thing, this jumped into my head. Recognizing that my mom had faults didn't mean that I couldn't love her. It also didn't make me not loyal. It just brought me to a better place in MY life. I still loved my mom to the moon and back. ;) The difference was I wasn't holding on to blame, shame, and self loathing at that point. I could see things more clearly. I was also able to let go of some anger. It really was a beautiful thing. My mom would have been proud.

 

[Abstract]

Reds, often we want to hang onto a fantasy version of who our parents are - for dear life - as having that fantasy has helped us survive. Often we have split our parents into good and bad whereas we all have both good and bad in us. Part of healing is about accepting both the good and the bad in each parent. That also helps us accept both the good and bad in us and not split the way we view ourselves either. Splitting is black and white thinking where we can't look at the faults and acknowledge them without thinking the person is entirely "bad".

It took relentless, merciless pushing from T's over many years before I started being able to start acknowledging the truth about my mother. I hated my T whilst this was happening.

When I started giving up on the fantasy of who my mother was it was a death that I had to mourn. It was no different as that mother did die. I had to accept the real one instead.

May I ask if your mother would have had the power to remove the shadow person from the environment? What alternative options might have been available to her? If you are mercilessly honest with yourself then was your mother attuned to your emotion needs other than this and prior to you being sent away?

The other aspect of this is I think denial/minimisation and a way of protecting you from experiencing the emotions that occurred. Regardless of what your mothers motivations were, you still have a right to express the anger pain and despair that you must have had as a reaction. I have started to realise that that intensity in my reactions to something normally indicates that it isn't what I think it is - a non issue and not true.

By the way - we often have the same black and white thinking when it comes to our T's and getting past that is also part of healing.

 

[Powder]

Abstract,

Thank you for posting so well on the splitting issues and black-and-white thinking. I totally agree and sympathize with the need to allow the fantasy mother to die and to mourn that. It's truly a hard process to go through whilst also learning about one's PTSD and dissociation disorder. There are times when retreating back into denial and fantasy is tempting, but once we cross the line to reality and want to heal, there's really no going back.

Anger is the normal reaction to being neglected and abused by those in power over your life. My T. said Friday that I could take the perspective of feeling pity for my mother because I now realize she is a narcissist. She said "it must be a shallow life without real intimacy and love in it" for her. I admitted I had thought that, and that I had at times felt some pity for her. Maybe it is "progress" to be able to feel ANYTHING other than just rage at the abusers after the denial is lifted. Maybe feeling a sense of pity is progress it that it's a sign that the rage storm has passed over.

I see a pattern, as you said, Abstract, one has to grieve, the fantasy is dead. We are left with reality. We go through the stages of grief. Denial, anger (deflecting vulnerability to the crashing emotions, experiencing the resulting rage as a deflection of the wounding, feeling guilt for not accepting the hurt and feeling the anger, and compounding the anger by this guilt.) Some notes on anger: let it come. Accept it and admit it is okay, normal to feel it. It will subside once you stop fighting it inside. Don't act on it. Bargaining (trying to control, control, control.) Depression (realizing you can't control the emotion of loss). Acceptance (calm withdrawal from social interaction; resignation; you stop fighting it and makes changes to adjust to life to accept the loss yet try to move forward so it doesn't control your daily life so fully).

In letting go of my fantasy that sustained my denial so long, I have struggled to accept and release the anger/rage. Now, when I feel it, I greet is like an old friend and say that it is a healthy, normal reaction. I say to myself "Good, you feel the anger, you are normal." And I actually congratulate myself on feeling it. Then, I have vacillated between workaholism all week long (Bargaining/control) to crashing into depression on the weekends (with dissociation thrown in). I am just now coming out of the tension between Bargaining/Depression. Finally, I am beginning to reach Acceptance. I resign to live with the wound and loss. The pain of the loss is not going anywhere, so I may as well accept it as the condition of my life and adjust my life to contain this loss and yet try to move forward and be the best person I can and try to find some tiny pieces of happiness in life. Also in this stage is allowing feelings, expressing them, honesty with self and others, vulnerability is allowed more, and I try to stop living vicariously. I stop trying to make others happy and to feed off of that only. I have to accept my own delights in life and to hold them close. I hug and kiss my H. I tell him how lucky I am to have the one I love loving me! Also, I accept my irritations with his imperfections but compare them to the overall blessing that he is in my life.
'
I used to freak out whenever I felt triggered by his "bad" with the splitting, along the lines of: "OMG! He has "bad" in him!? I need to freak out right now because bad people hurt me! I need perfection/fantasy of perfection to keep from facing my trauma!!!! I should cut myself, bang things against my head, cry, and be tormented!"

Healing the good/bad split is, I think, not going to happen if the grieving process is stalled. Nobody can help you grieve faster, but staying open to healthy, loving, supportive relationships with boundaries will ease the process. A therapist and a friend are good bookends for containing the grief as you go through it.

Using business, alcohol, drugs, sex, eating disorders, dissociation, (distraction) etc, may be a crutch and delay the process, dragging it out. But some supports may be needed, such as prescription drugs, sleep, food, exercise, talking, aroma, self-care, learning, crying, journal writing, nature, animals, reading, travel, redecorating your space, going outside more, a new pet, experiencing beauty, love, serving a cause, helping others, and creative expression are healing.

 

[NovemberStar]

It's much easier to hate your T than hate your mother for sending you away right when you needed her the most.

It's painful beyond words when we are betrayed by the very person who is meant to love and protect us no matter what.


Instead of feeling the pain of that deep betrayal, it's like you're working hard to fight the notion she DID betray you, and you resent your T for 'trying' to destroy what you've always wanted to believe - that your mother could do no wrong, it was a mistake, what she did 'wasn't that bad'.

Ending denial and embracing reality is very very painful :(

 

[Powder]

I agree NovemberStar. Displaced anger. When we finally admit who the anger is from, who's choices started the fire, and how we've fueled it by staying hurt, we realize others don't deserve that anger.

 

[Skylynx]

Sometimes a woman is so much in love, infatuation, and in the spell of a man, that she makes wrong decisions. She just can't stand up to him even though she makes a heartbreaking decision to keep him and let her child go.