Hello everyone,
I'm 19. I went through sexual abuse several times in my life but never really felt like I had been hurt or anything happened because I always dissociated when it happened. Thanks to that, I'd always been happy. always been a very hard-working, creative and happy person.
Last year, as I was 18, an event made all the sexual abuse brutally resurface and I went through a very harsh year last year, not recognizing myself at all.
I went from a sociable, creative, hard-working and happy girl to a suicidal depressed and lost girl who dropped her studies, who thought of prostituting herself, of committing suicide, who spent most of her time home for fear of dissociating in social activities, who had kinda panic attacks and who couldn't have sex as before, who would dissociate heavily for hours, who put herself in danger with random guys, etc. I went from an excellent student to someone who couldn't even concentrate for a minute on a text because of dissociation and who'd feel detached from everything. I didn't understand at all what was happening because I still was into total denial. Therapy helped me understand I had indeed been abused and I was now suffering the consequences of it.
Thanks to EMDR that I started this year, my mood is more stable and triggers disappear everyday. But I still feel like I'm totally stuck and can't go anywhere in life until I'm healed. I feel detached from my studies, from my family, like I'm a living lie pretending I'm fine to fit the image people have of me. I can't concentrate on books and written stuff for work, because when I finished reading the page, I have no recollection of what I just read. When someone asks me what I did today, I usually have no idea. I have no "global" image of who I am, of my life, of time passing by, just like I used to do when I were still "normal"... therefore I have no idea who I am anymore. When I watch movies, I may have felt strong feelings, but the minute after it ends it's not part of my life anymore, I can only remember random images of it, it's all blurry. Nothing that happens to me, that I see, that I read, takes sense for me and helps me become someone : I'm stuck. Yesterday I was playing a conversation game with my boyfriend that revolves around the way you see yourself as a person and I ended up crying because I actually couldn't play the game : my mind was stuck and blank and I had no idea, no image, no nothing in my mind. I feel like days pass by but I have no idea what I'm doing of my life. I wish I could get back to the problem-free person I used to be.
I don't have the very strong dissociation of last year (hours spent sitting on the couch and looking at blank space not understanding anything of what happened, not recognizing myself in the mirror, etc.). But I understand what I'm living this year may be a less strong form of dissociation.
Do you think that's what it is ?
Do you think I am still dissociating ? Do you have any advice to start living normally again ?
I'm 19. I went through sexual abuse several times in my life but never really felt like I had been hurt or anything happened because I always dissociated when it happened. Thanks to that, I'd always been happy. always been a very hard-working, creative and happy person.
Last year, as I was 18, an event made all the sexual abuse brutally resurface and I went through a very harsh year last year, not recognizing myself at all.
I went from a sociable, creative, hard-working and happy girl to a suicidal depressed and lost girl who dropped her studies, who thought of prostituting herself, of committing suicide, who spent most of her time home for fear of dissociating in social activities, who had kinda panic attacks and who couldn't have sex as before, who would dissociate heavily for hours, who put herself in danger with random guys, etc. I went from an excellent student to someone who couldn't even concentrate for a minute on a text because of dissociation and who'd feel detached from everything. I didn't understand at all what was happening because I still was into total denial. Therapy helped me understand I had indeed been abused and I was now suffering the consequences of it.
Thanks to EMDR that I started this year, my mood is more stable and triggers disappear everyday. But I still feel like I'm totally stuck and can't go anywhere in life until I'm healed. I feel detached from my studies, from my family, like I'm a living lie pretending I'm fine to fit the image people have of me. I can't concentrate on books and written stuff for work, because when I finished reading the page, I have no recollection of what I just read. When someone asks me what I did today, I usually have no idea. I have no "global" image of who I am, of my life, of time passing by, just like I used to do when I were still "normal"... therefore I have no idea who I am anymore. When I watch movies, I may have felt strong feelings, but the minute after it ends it's not part of my life anymore, I can only remember random images of it, it's all blurry. Nothing that happens to me, that I see, that I read, takes sense for me and helps me become someone : I'm stuck. Yesterday I was playing a conversation game with my boyfriend that revolves around the way you see yourself as a person and I ended up crying because I actually couldn't play the game : my mind was stuck and blank and I had no idea, no image, no nothing in my mind. I feel like days pass by but I have no idea what I'm doing of my life. I wish I could get back to the problem-free person I used to be.
I don't have the very strong dissociation of last year (hours spent sitting on the couch and looking at blank space not understanding anything of what happened, not recognizing myself in the mirror, etc.). But I understand what I'm living this year may be a less strong form of dissociation.
Do you think that's what it is ?
Do you think I am still dissociating ? Do you have any advice to start living normally again ?
