Is It Even Possible To Fully Love And Trust With Your Ptsd?

[Kristin_plus3]

Okay so my story being that I have continually been abused sexually, physically, mentally, and emotionally by every man in my life. Every time I let someone get close it destroys me even more. In some way shape or form I get hurt again. I put a huge guard up it is very hard for me to trust and believe that someone is going to love me and treat me right. I constantly feel like they are secretly doing something wrong or have alternative motives.

Please help....
How do you work through this? How do you get past the constant lows?
Is it possible to love and be loved? Will I ever have a "normal" life?

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I know how that feels. I always think that people are going to use me because I've met some really crappy people in my past. Not all were abusive, but some didn't belong within 100 yards of a "relationship"!

I think it takes practice. I think that it can help to examine where you've gone wrong in the past and work on not making those same mistakes again. I'm not saying that any of the abuse was your fault, because its not! What I am saying is that sometimes, because we've been abused before, that we let things slide when they should be red flags. We put up with behavior that shouldn't necessarily be tolerated in a normal relationship because maybe our self esteem is a little bit lower, maybe we think we don't deserve better, etc.

The last guy I dated...well, the red flags kept popping up but my protective little mind didn't want me to see them for what they were. It turns out that the guy I was dating had MAJOR alcohol issues but somehow they all fell under my radar until I was in a trauma recreation situation and literally lost my ability to speak for three days because I was so triggered. (That has never happened to me before, not to that extent.)

That happened in August...So what does my brilliant little self do? I let him back in to my life! I haven't spoken to him, but we have messaged. He helped pick me up when I was in an episode, so of course I forget all the bad stuff and think "oh, he's so great, he really does care about me!" Yeah, I put major blinders on. He talks about how wonderful I am and how one day we will be back together.

Well, no, not happening. So I thank you for this post because it re-opened my eyes to how bad he is for me. It reminded me that I need to keep on moving forward. I'll probably make a lot more mistakes along the way, but I know I'll learn from them all. I think the key is to take things slowly and learn to trust your instincts. My instincts are usually right, I just need to learn to trust them more.

 

[Reapers girl]

I feel I'm just as conflicted as you but I'm in a relationship that suffers on both ends. He has PTSD, former marine and POW. I've experienced incest, a long list of failed relationships and a rape that is almost two years ago but feels like not too long ago. I want to blame something.... someone on what holds me down. I fear the worst and have at times owned up to relying on worst case scenarios for survival. The problem is, I haven't tried to be on my own and accept life can be happy as a successful single person. I'm a romantic and even my relationship problems now fuel the requirement of a good story. Can't have a high without a low. I rely on love and so long as it's honest and heartfelt I don't think it's because of my negative past experiences. Good luck!

 

[Bonsiren]

I've been living with PTSD for almost fifteen years. I grew up with it. My biological parents are directly responsible for my PTSD, and now I'm estranged from both of them. When I started to date, later in life, it didn't start out so hot. My ex-boyfriends were violent and abusive. I ignored the red flags until I was spending more time hiding bruises and making excuses than not. One day I woke up, and I was totally isolated. My ex-girlfriend spent more time flirting with other people than spending time with me. Holidays and birthdays were ruined to the point where I can't stand any of them.

I spent a lot of time thinking I'm just too broken for a relationship.

So I did the only thing I could do: heal. Therapy and antidepressants were actually making my symptoms worse, and group therapy was iffy, but I found and centered my support system. I created self-care techniques to get through the day. As I healed, I revisited the romance idea and let myself explore it, bit by bit. I never hid my PTSD from anyone I dated. It felt more like a warning label than anything else, but it protected me from people who couldn't cope with severity of my disorder.

I gave it time.

They say no one will love you unless you love yourself. I think that's too extreme, but not entirely wrong. You can't let anyone into your life if you're so closed-off and terrified of anyone that might reopen old wounds or, worse, make new ones. So I put the focus on self-healing and let relationships come as they did.

I've been in a relationship with a man for almost eighteen months now. He's amazing. I warned him about my PTSD, and he seemed to take it seriously. He's the first person I've ever been with who has actually bothered to learn my triggers and learn how to respond to them. He's sweet and gentle and lets me set the pace. He's my best friend and my rock as much as my partner. My stories disturb him. In a way, it's nice, he cries for me when I can't cry for myself. Slowly but surely, he built a sanctuary that I could let down my guard in.

Relationships come when they do. You can't force it. But I think that, if you focus on self-healing and creating a positive environment and coping with the demons of your past, with the right person, yes, you can fall in love and trust someone again.

 

[Anrish]

I'm absolutely with you in this matter. I only had one relationship with a man and he treated me so badly that I can't even imagine to be touched by another man again. It's not that I don't like man. Some of them are really nice to watch but as soon as it seems like they might touch me - I'm out of it. Some colleagues had a crush on me and touched me without even asking and knowing me.

If all men are like this, I don't know how to build up enough trust to be with a man.

I also had a relationship with a woman. We split up but remained best friends and still have sex from time to time. She would never hurt me, but I still miss the embrace of stronger arms. I'm always the physically stronger one when I'm with her.

I think it takes times, a lot of time. But no one gave me this time up until now, they just went straight to the point and I back out. Everything has to go quicker and quicker today because no one has any time anymore - that's why I don't have much hope for me to get in closer contact with a man.

 

[illusionist]

Hi Kristin, I can only agree with everything that has been said on this thread..I've done it, allowed it and felt it all. I came to a point in my healing where I knew I needed to take time out from relationships....6 years. In that time I learned to be on my own. It was hard work, I questioned everything about myself, become aware of my actions, saw my flaws, and set to work on what I could change about myself. It really was as lonely road at times, a hard road, but knew it had to be done to get to where I wanted. When I started dating again, I made myself aware of mens actions, not their words. I took notice of how they were towards others, not me. Did they speak ill of ex partners, did they take responsibility of their actions, did they show respect to others when out on a date, did they hold bitterness, did they show respect for themselves..you get my meaning. Then I knew if I could allow them into my world or not..and then the process would start gain, taking note of how they treated me.
Now, I am in a relationship where I fully trust and deeply love my partner. It took me time to allow it to happen, doubts and fears I had with for a good year with him but slowly I did learn, he had proven that he was a decent human being. I still have my moments of doubt but reflect on why I'm feeling like that. I hope this can be of use in some way.