Relationship Is It His Ptsd Or Is He Simply Using Me?

[Iwanttolovehim]

I'm so frustrated right now. My boyfriend who I live with has in the last two months become increasingly irritable, volitile, and sometimes just out right rude. Or he just completely ignores me! What do I do?? He tells me all the time that its his PTSD making him do it! But I'm a sufferer too, I know the mood swing when things are unmanaged but I'm getting this feeling that hes just using PTSD as an excuse to push me away. He asks me for money a lot, he always does what he wants to do and never what I want to do, complains about my son and lately won't even touch me! I'm heartbroken at my own thoughts, I havent slept in a week and when I do I'm having horrible nightmares (like I used to) and I feel like I'm continuously being beaten up even though hes never laid a hand on me! HELP ME!

 

[amethist]

Hi

These may sound like tough words, but we only give our honest opinions, it is up to you from then on. We know it is hard, but some do get through it and out of the other side relatively pain free, some have to fight harder but still manage to keep a relationship going.

PTSD is no reason for bad behavior, saying it is his PTSD making him like this is a cop out, he need to take responsibility for his own actions. If he wont, then you have some tough decisions to make, for your sanity and for your son's.

Maybe the boundaries I suggested in another post to you would be the best place to start, but you have to have a tough skin to stick to them.

A saying often used here is that supporter's need the skin of a Rhino and the patience of a Saint, the strenght of an Ox also seems to be relevant at times too.

I hope you find a way to deal with this sooner rather than later.

Amethist.

 

[Iwanttolovehim]

I would love to be able to set boundaries with him but he won't even talk to me right now!

 

[amethist]

Then the first one is,

The next time he snaps at you or your son, or is out right rude, tell him that there is not need to speak like that to either of you. You will not be spoken to like that, and will discuss it with him when he is in a better frame of mind. Then walk away from him, and keep walking no matter how much he mutters or shouts after you. If it is in the daylight and he keeps at it, put your coat on and leave him to mutter and shout to himself.

Many of us do this, and it can make a difference in time, but you have to keep doing it.

If he wont talk to you, then just get on with what ever you want to do. Don't walk on eggs shells, doing everything to keep him sweet, as it works both ways. He is nice to you and talks as he should, you do the same. He ignores you, then ignore him.

He gets nasty, you walk away.

 

[Iwanttolovehim]

Thanks amethyst!

 

[Supercd]

Yep.... walk away, hang up, out the door. If he follows after just keep on walking! Boundaries are an important thing. With PTSD it is that much more important.

A lot of people with PTSD (including my husband) though it is not a pleasant quality will walk over those who love them if those who love them enable them to do so.

Not every person with PTSD but if a person does not have healthy coping mechanisms...it is more likely.

Because, what they would like to do (get drunk, sit in a corner all day, throw/break objects, punch people, be lazy, uncooperative, etc...) naturally are things naturally covered by boundaries.

If those boundaries don't exist then they get free reign to do all of those things...if they realize that It's My PTSD is an excuse that works for you...of course!

It's their PTSD all day long if it means they can get your money and go do whatever they like. :p

A frustrating quality yes. For me it disappeared when I stopped enabling. When it happened...took the kid, out we went. Made it clear...clean up and calm down, we will come back. Now what is left really is PTSD. That itself is hard enough.

That means: If he knows you will let him behave how he wants to then he will keep on behaving that way.

You tell him no but continue not to give reactions to his actions. That is telling him two different things. What you say and what you do.

Not punishment just reaction. Walking away hanging up going for a drive refusing to speak to him until he will calm down and talk rationally... not demanding him to change but telling him with your reaction: this is not acceptable.

Hope that made some sense! I'm a tad addled this afternoon. Take care. You cannot control what he does - but you can control how you respond to what he does.

 

[Iwanttolovehim]

It scares me how he is sometimes, a women who has been in far too many violent relationships a lot his actions make me see the things I used to deal with on a daily basis! I will definately try to establish some boundaries and get him to see that its not ok for him to walk all over me like he is right now, But I am scared to death to do it

 

[amethist]

You never know, he may be scared that you will stand up to him.

So go show him that you are not the doormat he wants you to be.

 

[Iwanttolovehim]

I will do my best!!!!