Relationship Is It Just Me?

[BehindBlueEyes]

My fiancé and I seem to be fighting lately over the stupidest little things. It's like when we both calm down we realize how ridiculous the fight was, but it's like with the stress of everything it multiples and we both just unload all the build up resentment. Does this sound familiar to any of you? And if so what have you done to try to fix things? This is really wearing on our relationship and I feel like we are driving each other crazy. We recently moved in together after a long distance relationship, and I'm not sure if this plays a factor in the stress as well.

 

[Never Give Up]

I am not sure who has the P.T.S.D. and who is the supporter. The best thing you can do is not entertain a conversation that will evolve into an argument. I am finding out through experience, silence is important and not "shaking the beehive" to the point where you both are overwhelmed. Also, the supporter must understand that they cannot fix the other person, if so...you will push them away until they avoid you. They will shut you off, shut you out and it is hard to accept and exist while living together. The sufferer needs to identify they need help and willing to get help. If not, you will be in for a long period of suffering and hurt. I am not trying to scare you, I am 5 months into this and it has been horrible so far. I am married and not willing to get a divorce so I have to figure out how to adapt.

 

[WillyKat]

Something I just realized over the past week or two is that I kept expecting my wife to change, to stop the criticizing, reprimands, and general OCD perfectionism. I think I've stopped expecting her to change now. Or to put it another way, I stopped expecting that anything I do in terms of fighting, whining, getting angry will actually have any positive effect. If she's going to change, if *anyone* is going to change, they have to want it for themselves and be willing to do the hard work.

I can't say that this applies to you, but I thought I'd throw it out there as food for thought.

 

[BigBear]

silence is important and not "shaking the beehive"

Very true!

It's like when we both calm down we realize how ridiculous the fight was

That's actually a very good sign. However, remembering to not shake the bee hive is very important.

Angel and I have always had fights. I was just always determined to suck up what ever was required to make it right for her. But that's a male supporter supporting a female sufferer. I can't know what that would be like for the reverse.

After 17 years of growth, we understand each other better.

Bear

 

[ill]

How stupid and little are the stupidest little things actually? Is it possible that while they are stupid and little, they do need to be discussed? Sometimes stupid little things do wear on a relationship, and especially so if we don't feel comfortable or safe in being proactive about talking about them. Annoyances and resentments can build and then what could have been a conversation turns into an argument.

What works for me and my partner is being proactive and talking about things in a non-violent way with "I" statements. Self-awareness and good communication help too - being aware of when I'm more stressed or vulnerable than usual and communicating it to him means that he has a better understanding of where I am and enables him to communicate better with me (and vice versa). Being explicit also works for us (making sure we each know what our dealbreakers are), being open and upfront about communicating wants and needs and hurt feelings, assuming good intentions and practicing good faith (so assuming, at least until there's evidence to the contrary, that any hurts were unintentional), no blaming or accusations or notions of morally "good" or "bad" needs/coping mechanisms, and also rules of engagement for arguments that work for us (no interrupting, I statements, no namecalling, etc).

I bet moving in would play a factor. It's a big adjustment, especially when people have different ways of doing things. Everyone has their own routines and habits but when you're sharing space with someone for the first time, it can be hard not to think of them as doing things wrong when they're doing things differently from the way you do them.

 

[Synonymous Oxymoron]

Communication is the key here, as it is with any relationship. Stupid little things tend to be either, as ill suggested, something that will wear on the relationship over time, or a disguise for bigger issues that the two of you are avoiding for one reason or another.

Every argument, no matter how small, deserves to be discussed long enough to find a solution that satisfies you both and prevents it from becoming a future problem. As a story of how out of hand poor communication skills can be, I'm good friends with a couple who fights every night about what to have for dinner. They scream, they cry, they storm off and say terrible things, all because it's a little stupid argument they have every night and so they're both sick and tired of it. However, they both refuse to back down, so it just keeps going. It's very easy to get trapped in something like that without realizing it over the most pointless of things if you doing seek out a solution together.

And hey, trust me, part of moving in together is just rough. Learning to live with another human being is incredibly difficult at the best of times, and there are some stupid little things you're just going to have to let go even if you don't want to. Remember: Nobody wins an argument, and trying is just going to cause more pain.

Edit:

Also, as an afterthought, be sure during your conversations about these things to use terms like "I think" and "I feel" as opposed to "it is" or "I know." You'd be surprised at how much that helps keep feelings from getting hurt.

 

[Sweetpea76]

Communication, communication and communication... you have to learn to discuss instead of argue. It's hard to do, I know... been there done that. You just cannot get confrontational with a sufferer. It will never, ever end well.

 

[somuchpain]

Never intended to respond. But somehow set-off editor. Sounds like you both have lots of stress needs let out. Maybe you're good for each other that way. I don't know. You know if you're overcome with love when you see him after a long day. I once had such feelings when I would see my wife (left me long time ago). Best wishes.

 

[BehindBlueEyes]

Thank you all for the great advice. He is the one with PTSD and hasn't been able to have any sort of counseling or even a formal diagnosis yet. A little background on me, I've been through many hurtful relationships in the past, and kind of swallowed my own wants and needs in order to make the other person happy. And after doing some soul searching and really deciding who I am, I find myself wanting to be stubborn and speak my feelings. That mixing with the PTSD is causing a lot of needless arguments. I am working on being patient but it seems like he is such a hair trigger that even something that seems insignificant to me can completely ruin his day, and thus ends up starting an argument. I am actively doing things to show him my love for him, and to be the "glue" so to speak when he would sometimes rather just "not talk about it". I try to give him space, but it is so hurtful to me that times I feel like I deserve better because Ive gone through so much to get here. In finding him I found the love I had been searching for, the support, the 50/50 relationship but that has all changed with the combat that he saw. I was with him throughout all of that and basically was able to watch the PTSD form, and its been very hard adjusting to the new changes, the memories and important beginnings of ou relationship that he cant even remember. I feel like I am constantly pouring out myself and not getting anything back in return and after so long that becomes very painful. I have always been one to put everything I have into a relationship, and this one is on a completely different level. I don't want to lose him and wont give up on him, but yet I feel like I am once again putting aside my own needs for someone else. I try to express my needs in a patient calm manner, and he still takes it as I am bitching at him.

And on top of the PTSD, there are what seems to be many little OCD things. Ways he does things, or doesn't do things that I am having to adjust to as well. I have a stressful job, and I don't really have much of an outlet for stress.