Is it me or is it my therapist?

[Briellewannabe]

I'm still relatively new to the therapy world, so I apologize if this is a dumb question.

I've been seeing my therapist since August (with a 1.5 month break over Christmas break). She's an intern for a local counseling organization, which means she's still earning her credentials and is supervised by other licensed therapists (she discusses my case with them, sometimes implementing things they recommend but not usually). I started with this organization because it's the only way I can afford it (they do the sliding scale). Despite not being licensed yet, she seems very competent and is relatively easy to talk to. I'm comfortable around her and she's been good at it for the most part. Especially in the beginning she was on it, making it easy by asking lots of questions, giving suggestions, helping me find other resources, etc. She found me another T that has now been doing EMDR pro bono. She has recommended meds for some time for my depression--I'm not sure if that's because she's at a loss or because she genuinely believes they'd help--and found me resources that I can afford, I've made that appointment with a psychiatrist. Still not completely sure about the medication thing, but I'm okay with starting the process to see.

The thing is... I don't know what to do or say. I'll go into therapy in different moods, sometimes I'll be crying and the session doesn't really go anywhere, other times we'll be discussing something that seems innocuous and it makes me panic. Last time we just talked about different things--school, my bf, future plans. Last time was hardest, usually the conversation is pretty easy, but it seemed like a bit of a struggle. Just a bit. I think she's possibly hesitant because I reacted badly that one time, or because I've been more sensitive, or because I had a near-suicide attempt a couple weeks back (did not actually attempt, but it was close). But I don't know, maybe that's just me. It seemed like she was expecting me to do something last week, and rightfully so most likely, but I don't know what to do.

I feel like I'm trying and I don't know what I'm doing wrong. I don't know what to do differently or how to make things better, if I did I think I'd try it. I don't know how she can help me. I feel so clueless. I've never been one to talk about personal things... I've struggled in the friend department because of that (apparently people like to share things and when you don't they struggle to be close, who knew?). Maybe therapy isn't for me. Maybe I don't know how to do it, or maybe someone could help me better than my current T, although I seriously think she's great and awesome and it's sad to think about not having sessions with her, despite not feeling like much as changed.

I guess my options are continue seeing her or see no one for a while (can't yet afford anyone else). But if it's a total me thing, any suggestions what to do? I genuinely feel clueless and helpless in this situation.

 

[Suzetig]

I've never been one to talk about personal things...

That's your answer - talking therapy means you need to talk, about personal things. It sounds like learning to do that in and of itself is going be part of the therapy.

What made you think she expected you to do something in your last session? Could you tell her that?

You don't necessarily need to bare your soul with her and you don't need to tell her about your week - I used to think I needed to bring my T up to speed with everything that has happened during the week but actually that wasn't needed or helpful. What was helpful was talking to her about how I felt. How I felt about her, myself, being in session with her, the people in my life, my trauma - feelings, thoughts, fears, expectations. If there was something I had struggled with or that impacted me, I'd explain the circumstances of what happened but then it is all about how I make sense of it, why it impacted me the way it did.

It may be that talking is too much for you just now, or you may need to learn how to "do" therapy. Best thing you can do is talk to her about how you're feeling and what you're expecting from her.

 

[Lucycat]

If you are seeing a different therapist for EMDR are there clear boundaries about who does what? I am assuming the EMDR is to process the trauma, so what are your objectives with continuing with this therapist as well?

Are you seeing progress with your EMDR therapy?

 

[Justmehere]

I don't see any major red flags that you or the therapist is really doing anything wrong. It does seem like you are really wanting more direction and clarity in how to do therapy, and that's good.

I'd suggest revisiting your goals for therapy, making a list throughout the week of the top 3-5 things you want to work on - goals or problems you are dealing with - and then taking that list into session. Then ask your therapist to guide the process of meeting those goals or addressing those issues.

If you are not sure how she can help, that's ok. Ask her. For some issues, she may have to refer out, like she has done, and other things may be completely within her skill set. Only she can say, and it's really ok to ask.

Avoid mind reading as much as possible. We all do it, and therapy is ripe for attempts at mind reading. If you are not sure if she is expecting something from you or not, ask her. The more you can ask, as the less you try to guess, the better it will go.

If things seem like they are stalling out, I'd ask her about that too. You just hit a really rough spot with almost attempting suicide and reacting strongly in session. Small talk might be her way to help you find safety in the relationship again. There is grounds to be working on safety plans and building up coping skills, and that should be a big part of the work right now too, especially if you are also diving into EMDR, which comes with its own risks of destabilization.

It could be that you and this therapist just don't "click" well, but I wouldn't take this as grounds to quit therapy entirely. Maybe after mores sessions of working on your goals for therapy together with her, if things still don't click, you could ask for a different therapist.

But I'd stick this one out longer, and work on talking with her about how therapy is going.

 

[scout86]

The thing is... I don't know what to do or say.

I said that to my T early on. He said not to worry about it. That, if I knew what to do and say to fix everything, I wouldn't be there, that that was his job. (I'm not big on talking about stuff either.) I think it would be ok, and maybe helpful, if you discussed your concerns with her like you did here.

 

[UnicornSightings]

I've been in therapy for 2 years and I STILL don't know how to do it lol!!

Sometimes I'll run through my week. Sometimes I'll talk about how great certain things went, sometimes how hard things were or what was challenging and we talk about ways to handle it. Sometimes (rarely) I flip out on her for not giving me direction when I feel guilty that I'm not doing what I'm supposed to be doing. She will do whatever I need her to do to help me. But she expects me to tell her what I need which is a problem for me lol. Cause I don't know what I need. It's about trusting myself enough to know what I need. I can bring in various books if I want and go over things (I read a lot of mindfulness/self-improvement/how to live your best life kinda books), we could role-play to help with interpersonal skills, she's a big fan of worksheets. Me, not so much. Sometimes when I flip out about direction she will bring one or two in next time. I try to be interested but worksheets bore me. I want to talk about my past more but I feel like I've talked about it enough (maybe have talked about it in 5-7 sessions lol!) so we will talk about why I think that's too much and stuff. I have major transference so we talk about that. Sometimes I'll tell her what she's thinking and how bad it makes me feel. Lol!!!! In reality I'm sure she only things good thoughts about me but I mentioned transference.

So, you see, you're not alone in not knowing what to do. And that doesn't mean you're doing anything wrong. The very best thing about therapy (imo) is having everything be completely ok. You are accepted just as you are, saying or not saying whatever you like, feeling or not feeling whatever is there. You are in the spotlight for a whole hour. You can't get that somewhere else. It's amazing and it's terrifying and if you get anything at all out of it right now it's worth it to see it through. At least for a little while. But I would tell her how you're feeling about it.

 

[Briellewannabe]

talking therapy means you need to talk

I totally get that, and I do talk, but I struggle with it. I don't go in there knowing what to say because I don't know what will help or what's important. I also have an incredibly hard time volunteering information but it's not so bad if she asks questions, but then the onus is always on her...

What made you think she expected you to do something in your last session? Could you tell her that?

That's hard, it's not like she said or did anything specific... it's one of those things that just feels that way. I try really hard not to mind read, and I think I do a decent job, but the last time she just seemed to be waiting for me to say things without having asked me a question or anything. I feel extremely bad that I don't know what to do or how to feel like I'm contributing to the process.

what are your objectives with continuing with this therapist as well? Are you seeing progress with your EMDR therapy?

Maybe that's the problem, there's no clear objectives at this point. My beginning objectives were to reduce suicidal thoughts/desires, to combat the negative thoughts, and to help with the PTSD symptoms (nightmares, hypervigilence, panic attacks, etc.) but with EMDR I'm mostly working on the PTSD stuff, though that's been rocky and we've taken a break kinda from going the normal route. I struggle with identifying a belief system and have a hard time imagining memories or scenes in my head (don't get me wrong, the memories are there, but it's hard to control them in this way), so we're now trying to process "positive" emotions or thoughts since my EMDR T said my defenses were too strong to go the other route. I felt bad about that too because I really tried to not be resistant but I guess it didn't matter.

Anyway, with the talk T, we started attempting dealing with the depression stuff, but since I'm seeing a psychiatrist soon about meds it seems like that's been put on hold? I don't know. The anxiety coping skills we worked on in the beginning helped a lot but nothing seems to be helping the depression... so maybe I don't really have clear goals anymore and maybe what I was hoping for isn't possible through talk therapy? I don't know...

if you discussed your concerns with her like you did here

You're right but I'm not sure how to bring this up. I don't know if my goals are realistic or if they can be worked through... I'm struggling a lot right now and I feel like I've moved even further away from where I was hoping to be. I imagine that makes sense, since I spent years avoiding stuff and now I'm trying to actually process it and deal with it, talk about it, etc., so it makes sense that it's getting harder, but I feel like a failure because of it. Like I have all this help and resources and I'm not progressing.

I think another issue is that I struggle to get all of me on board... that it feels like only a part of me wants to get better, the other part is hoping it'll get worse enough. That's probably not helping me and I think that's why my T has been pushing the meds... I don't know.

 

[scout86]

I don't know if my goals are realistic or if they can be worked through...

You could ask her that. I struggled with this topic for quite awhile. Every once in awhile, he'd mention 'goals' and I had no idea but was kind of scared to say that. Finally, one day when he asked one of those questions it seemed like I should be able to answer but couldn't, I just blurted out that I KNEW I should have answer, but I didn't have any what to say. He asked what made me think I should have an answer. LOL He went on to say that lots of people have that reaction, not to worry about it. But, if I hadn't said anything, he'd have had no way to know WHY I wasn't saying anything, you know?

 

[NightSky]

A year into therapy I read a book called I'm Working On it in Therapy (you can find it on Amazon) and it was so good. It's all about what "working on it" actually means, and how to get something out of the process. I think it should be required reading when anyone starts therapy. I mean, I forgot everything it said (I have serious memory issues lol) and feel like I'm still saying to my therapist that I suck at this and have no idea what I'm doing. But the book helped me understand what parts of myself should be brought into the room and why. It got rid of some of the mystery of the process.
I feel like I'm all over place in therapy and that makes progress hard to measure. But this week my T compared the process to a puzzle, and us finding pieces that go together, and that was a helpful analogy for me. Because we talk about so many different things and I felt like all that did was make the pile of things to be worked on so much bigger. But two years in I'm seeing that all of those conversations paint the larger picture for her so she can help me eventually make connections and learn new ways to cope that are healthier. Even when a session feels weird or off it doesn't mean it's wasted.

 

[Briellewannabe]

Thank you guys.

Yeah, I guess this is a conversation that would be more productive to have with my therapist, I'm just struggling with how to do that. I'll figure it out. I really appreciate your responses.

 

[joeylittle]

I'm just struggling with how to do that. I'll figure it out. I really appreciate your responses.

I know we say this one around here a lot, but you could share your posts here with her.

 

[talon]

I'm still relatively new to the therapy world, so I apologize if this is a dumb question.

I've...

There is no right or wrong in this or is it my fault? It's life as it is in the moment. Some want to please or try to hard believing they have to to get better. Money pressures add to this . Try to just be yourself and express how you feel in the now but no apologies are needed . I hope this helps you