Is It Possible To Manage Ptsd With No Help

[cherryblossom]

I think it is possible to manage PTSD on your own. BUT, only if you are putting all the right work into yourself to 'overcome' your fears. It is possible to your own exposure therapy, and there are many books available that will guide you through CBT, with workbooks and exercises etc. So I believe it is possible. However a therapist could guide you there much quicker. And also, if the self-work isn't being done then PTSD is not being managed simply brushed aside, and denied. It will come back, the symptoms will return, and the downward spiral will happen again. Been there, done that, got the t-shirt.

But, and this is the big but - she has to be prepared to put the work in. For this she has to accept there is a problem, and understand that the work that needs to be done is not pleasant - far from it. We have to dig up all the things that hurt us to think about. All those horrible memories, that we push aside and try to bury have to be brought to the surface and looked at. We have to process these memories. Accept the past, remove all negative emotion from the memories, and file them away properly. All of this is best done, when guided by an expert trauma therapist. Again, a big BUT, becasue she has to be ready for it. For success, one has to embrace therapy 100%, ride out the storms as they occur and keep pushing to resolve issues.

I've gone through the motions of therapy in the past, thinking that I was ready, but then stopped when the going got tough. And blaming everything possible for the failure of the therapy, when in fact it was me, and my fault because I didn't give 100% in therapy, and I didn't understand the process involved. This time I know I'm 'ready'. I'm prepared and willing to accept what I have to face in order to get 'better'. I suddenly had a 'light bulb' moment when I finally understood everything that I'd read about. I understand the meaning of "working on your Trauma", and "things will get worse before they get better", and the meaning of "support system". It is truely an individual journey. People can guide sufferers in the way forward, but until they are 100% ready, and 100% committed to the process, therapy is a waste of time.

It sounds to me like your g/f is not yet ready to face her demons. And no-one can force her to be 'ready'. You can try to guide her on the right path, by offering suggestions, but in the end she has to work it out for herself. All you can do is support her the best that you can, and pick up the pieces if necessary.

 

[lovinbiker]

I cannot "fix" this, but I can use all of the tools at my disposal to manage it. I still spend too much time thinking that I can handle things or using "busy" as a coping mechanism. It worked for decades, so why not now? Well it doesn't work any more and it actually makes me less able to manage. I will probably bang my head on the wall more times than I care to count before I finally find what works. But I know the lack of proper treatment made this worse and probably caused more damage. But this is only my opinion, based on my experience, and not necessarily applicable across the board.

LB, you are doing the right thing by taking care of yourself and being supportive. Things will only change when someone wants them too, and damaging behavior only stops when it is recognized as such.

Wishing you peace.
Debbie

Thanks Debbie.
I do feel that she cannot see any other way of coping, she has said to me in the past that doctors cant help her that no one can help. I tried to reassure her that there will be someone who can help that she shouldnt give up. She feels that only she can fix herself that no one else will be able to do anything for her.

Thanks your right about things only changing when they want them too and right now it doesnt feel she wants any change she want to go back to life before me and hope that she feels better again.
LB

 

[lovinbiker]

And also, if the self-work isn't being done then PTSD is not being managed simply brushed aside, and denied. It will come back, the symptoms will return, and the downward spiral will happen again.


It sounds to me like your g/f is not yet ready to face her demons. And no-one can force her to be 'ready'. You can try to guide her on the right path, by offering suggestions, but in the end she has to work it out for herself. All you can do is support her the best that you can, and pick up the pieces if necessary.

Thanks CB wise words as always, Your right that she could manage it on her own with the correct tools. She has no tools so can only come to the conclusion that she is just brushing it aside ad trying to forget about it.

Your right that she has to be ready to face the battle, face her demons. She is clearly not ready and I hate to say it may never be ready and thats something I have to face. I mean it is hard to sit back and watch her struggle and feel almost helpless to do anything to take away her pain. I will support her as best I can and be here if she needs me but I do know the real work is upto her to do when/if she ever feels ready.

LB

 

[deer_in_headlights]

((((((((((((Lovinbiker)))))))))))
I have to say, I think you are an awesome, wonderful person!

If this will help, I was much like your gf.
I went for many years suffering on my own. I tentatively sought help, but was discouraged at first, by an abuser... and the T that I struggled to find wasn't the perfect fit.

I was finally at the point where I couldn't function at all.
Finally, one day, someone really took notice, quietly took me aside and said how they noticed I was struggling and felt I really must go to a therapist. This was a person I respected and knew I could trust. The person told me about a therapist he was taking courses from, that he had sent other people to him, and he trusted the therapist. He pressed a piece of paper into my hands with the name, address and phone # of the therapist. He also asked if I would like it if he called the therapist (now) to introduce me and break the ice for me, so I wouldn't be calling cold. I was very frightened and felt a little put on the spot, but deep inside I also really appreciated that!
So when I called, the therapist was expecting me and was warm and welcoming. That type of intervention worked wonders for me... and I had really felt like your gf, that I would just continue to struggle along by myself, no matter how much difficulty and pain I was in (and yes, I was suicidal).

The intervention, and the therapy has saved my life.
(Shy to tell you this, but I hope it might be of some help.)
(((((((((((((((((Lovinbiker))))))))))))))))))))
With admiration and deep respect,
Deer

 

[cherryblossom]

You are right LB, she may never be ready. I don't know about others but I had to hit rock bottom, several times over a short period of time before my 'light-bulb' moment (I ended up in A&E 3 times with O/D over a few short months). It must be really hard to feel helpless and watching her struggle. All I can say is to continue being a friend to her and a steady 'rock' in her life. She is lucky to have you around. Keep gently reminding her that therapy might help, and at some point she will hopefully find a way forward. I guess we are all different - maybe she can manage on her own - only time will tell.

 

[seedling]

LB - I'm sorry for the situation you are in, it's hard to watch someone you care about go through what she is going through.
I'm in therapy with a great PTSD psychologist and I sometimes have that feeling that no one can help me. I accept it as an irrational PTSD thing that tries to seperate me from the world and real support.
She may have to go through this time as part of her journey to recovery (as counterproductive as it may seem to be). Even as Cherryblossom had to go through starting and stopping therapy to see how to do it and understand what was required.

Maybe if we all had to learn how to do our own surgeries etc.. there'd be a lot less people healing in that area too! Seems easier if we go to a doctor and they fix it for us with less of our participation than this seems to take.

If she is looking to her friends for support and help, then she still isn't really doing it on her own. Maybe it's good that she can accept this much help. It's reaching out for professional help that is hard for her.

I found before I got help, that PTSD was a crushing internal load that was intruding more and more into my daily functioning. Sometimes I do the "just stay busy" thing, esp. when I need to get things done. But as a way to healing - no. I also find my perspective to be seriously skewed. I still don't understand how my own behavior has changed and for the most part I'm afraid to ask those closest to me.

Take care of yourself. If there's an opening to help her or do something for her you will see it and be there.

 

[lovinbiker]

((((((((((((Lovinbiker)))))))))))
I have to say, I think you are an awesome, wonderful person!

If this will help, I was much like your gf.
I went for many years suffering on my own. I tentatively sought help, but was discouraged at first, by an abuser... and the T that I struggled to find wasn't the perfect fit.

I was finally at the point where I couldn't function at all.
Finally, one day, someone really took notice, quietly took me aside and said how they noticed I was struggling and felt I really must go to a therapist. This was a person I respected and knew I could trust.

Thank you deer in headlights,
Your words mean a lot at the moment as not being able to do anything does not make me feel wonderful at the moment. I know she did try therapy after her initial diagnosis but gave up as he more or less gave up on her from what she said. I seriously dont know if she has anyone in her life that she truly trusts ( that includes me)

I intend to be here for her as her rock one thing in her life that is consistent that she can really rely on that does what he says when he says he will. Maybe one day she will trust me and maybe one day I can help her find a path to recovery.

Thanks for telling me your thoughts I really appreciate it and it was a help
LB

 

[jenkins123]

This is a very interesting thread and touches on questions I am asking of myself. Some of us had only brief relationships with the sufferer but found this forum and learnt a lot. I think I am in a similar position to LB in that my sufferer may never open the door to me again but I would like to supply him with information I have learnt here just for him to consider in helping his healing but am unsure how he would take it. My ex does seem to be getting help now, but like LB I'm not fully aware what type of help-it may be either the wrong therapist, as yet undiagnosed, too intermittent, or indeed may not even be cptsd as I suspect. This is just my perception since he is still very traumatised and I just wonder after 7 years if the therapist is right for him.

If I am not mistaken LB you probably wish, as I do, your ex would/could be aware of many useful resources/info from here that might guide her better in her healing journey with or without you. I think we can feel even more frustrated in knowing how to approach that with them, especially those of us who are not their wives/husbands and therefore feel we have less "right" to comment on this. I am considering how to just let my ex know about some of this site without him feeling I am analysing him, simply because a lot of his behaviour is so very close to what I have learnt here.

LB, can you direct your ex to this site perhaps? I am wondering how to give mine some of the ideas here without actually directing him here.

 

[lovinbiker]

. I think we can feel even more frustrated in knowing how to approach that with them, especially those of us who are not their wives/husbands and therefore feel we have less "right" to comment on this.

LB, can you direct your ex to this site perhaps? I am wondering how to give mine some of the ideas here without actually directing him here.

Hi jenkins,
Im afraid that at the moment I cant really guide her here for the statement you made that I feel I have lost the `right` to be able to guide her in any way. Currently she appears to be pushing me further away and I feel more and more disconnected to any form of treatment she may or may not be getting, I am fairly certain she is doing nothing `external` to treat her ptsd.

I do think that like me we both have to face facts that we may never be able to do anything for them, They have to seek help seek treatment or it is unlikely to work in the long run. It has to be their choice they have to be doing it for themselfs not cos they think thats what others want them to do.

All Im gonna do for now is be here for her if she reaches out to me, do what little things I can when I can. As seedling says If I see a chance to help her then I will take it. The one thing I am gonna do is the only thing I have control over My own well being, my own health.
LB

 

[Philippa]

I still want to be that support as her bf or just friend as she means enough to me not to just walk away from her. Yes Its almost to me that shes doing it the hard way as some sort of punishment to herself like she doesnt deserve a `normal` life. I maybe way off the mark but thats kinda how it feels and looks from my point of view.
LB

It's very possible she is doing this to punish herself...though I don't know her enough to say that for sure, and neither do you from the sounds of it. For me, I didn't think I was punishing myself, though a part of me didn't want to burden anyone either, so that may be a factor here. She may not want to feel like she is burdening you?

For me, at the time, I didn't WANT a 'normal' life. That may be hard for many here to understand, but for me my life was about travel and adventure and not just settling in to work 9-5 and owning a house. I felt like I had the ability to help myself, and I was kinda on that self help trip to an extreme degree, where self-sufficiency was what I was aiming for, self-reliance felt strong, and leaning on others felt weak to me. I had been painting as therapy, without any sort of therapist for years, and I knew I was healing myself. It didn't feel like talking would do me any good, and it really felt like no one could help me anyway...but that was the depression talking.

 

[just me here]

Even with a therapist sitting in front of me trying with all the skill and experience of a doctrate degree and a decade of practice to help me, I am still doing this alone. Having a diagnosis that fits my symptoms is the first hope I have had for years that I might actually get better or at least get pointed towards better, but it still comes down to me doing this, it comes down to each of us doing it, alone.
If you want to help, be a rock. Be a foundation. Be a constant. Everyone needs that from someone, but especially those of us that can't seem to get our compasses to stay pointed north from day to day.

 

[anni]

I've only just seen your most recent struggles here, LB- I'm so sincerely sorry for your pain. There is of course nothing I could possibly add to these pages of lovely back-and-forth on the subject except to say please do keep coming here for the plain old human contact and support which will help you as it does all of us. You've been such a solid, kind presence here, and a delight to read. I can tell you've been doing everything possible to educate yourself for both you and her and keep being able to face whatever truth you have to at the moment with an awful lot of grace. I hate to compare you with a 79 year old woman, but she's on my mind at the moment-my mother. She does the same thing. It's never about her, and always about others while whatever her pain is is quiet and gracefully expressed and dealt with. Quite a lesson in these days where televised emoting of one's every tiny displeasure is given 5 stars of viewing pleasure! :) Now, I have to say perhaps I wish she were a tad more like you in the end, since she managed to not express pain until very nearly too late but you know what I mean. :)

Keep taking care of yourself at the moment, ok? Much hugs. Perhaps distract yourself by starting to work out a plan whereby we deprived US citizens might finally benefit from the addition of pork pies to the diet.:) I'm sure you still find that as shocking as I do, but then, we don't have health care, either- almost as shocking! :)

Anni