Is It Possible To Say "i Love You" With Ptsd

[emz315]

Hi There,

I've been with my partner for nearly a year now he has diagnosed PTSD and depression. I've said i love you to him but he has never been able to say it back is this part of PTSD?

We were having a bit of a discussion/argument one night and he was saying things like " you should leave me you deserve so much better" thats when i said i stay because i love you. He then went silent and then said that "Hurts" i think i got him of guard because he did not expect me to say that in the moment but it just came out. Why would he say that hurts? Is it because of that fact i do love him and that he cannot say it back to me it hurts? Or Would it be because he does not expect to be loved in these situations?

I must also mention that my guy can often feel uncomfortable with emotions he is an actions speak more than words type of guy but i still verbalise my feelings towards him and appreciate what he does for me in other ways.

Thanks for helping if anyone would have advice?

 

[shimmerz]

Why would he say that hurts? Is it because of that fact i do love him and that he cannot say it back to me it hurts? Or Would it be because he does not expect to be loved in these situations?

Perhaps because in his world, love, quite literally, was hurtful. 'I am doing this because I love you' *whipping with belt happens now* Just because love is supposed to bring to mind pictures of hearts and red roses, doesn't mean it does.

Yes, and sometimes it is even possible to say I love you with wild abandon, like I do. I wouldn't suggest either strategy and am attempting to come to balance on this one.

 

[Ellabella44]

It could be both. I have a hard time saying it to my husband, but then again he doesnt expect it from me. He may not feel the happier emotions all the way and it may hurt that he doesnt feel them all the way if hes depressed.

I could see that as his argument that you deserve better. I dont feel it all the way, in times when I feel worthless to myself, to me he and the kids deserve better. Maybe just showing it , by doing things for eachother, instead of him feeling you expect to hear it might be easier for him at times.

and yeah sometimes things are done to you for your own good out of "love" and apologised for using that as well.

 

[emz315]

@shimmerz thankyou for sharing it is a difficult one i know he did have abit of a rough upbringing farmboy. His mum and dad separated when he was 3 and he went to live with his mum to which she then remarried and had 3 more children He describes it as being the outcast of the family because his dad also met someone else and had children. He was knocked around as a young guy too and always told what to do by his stepdad and lost alot of trust in his family etc.

Im guessing valentines day is a sensitive topic with PTSD.

 

[The Albatross]

I've said that stuff before. It was, in my mind, because I loved the person that I said he should leave. It was the degree of damage/brokenness and feeling of hopelessness or at least lack of confidence that I would be a worthwhile partner.

 

[shimmerz]

I wonder @emz315 if he could, in order to satisfy your need to feel loved, have a different phrase that isn't triggery (if this actually is the issue), or perhaps a pet word that he calls you that could mean 'I love you' in PTSD-eez?

 

[jsladder]

Though I don't know you guys at all, I can only tell you of my experience. By not saying, "I love you, too" after affording your affections, this avoids a verbal commitment to you. Perhaps when telling you that you deserve better, this supports the non-verbalizing of a commitment to which he may understand you are affording him, but which he cannot reciprocate the same criteria inferred from your commitment. See, if he has a lot of problems and PTSD is a whopper, then he may feel that you are with him to help him and he does not have anything to give you to help in return. When you tell him you are with him because you love him, (instead of giving him examples of what he provides you regarding your needs) then he may understand that you are obligated to be with him because you do love him and he needs your help and support. If the relationship is similar to a mentor/apprentice, or teacher/student or counselor/counselee, nurse/patient, parent/offspring, etc., then this gives ample foundation to his potential relationship view of the OPPOSITE of an equal partner relationship. Thus, his INTEGRITY does not allow him to "string you along" by telling you that he loves just like you love him, or whatever, because he may truly feel that by telling you the same, he is not being truthful, and does not know how to communicate what he's going through. I do NOT feel that the PTSD has anything to do with not verbally reciprocating your verbal commitment of love.

So, I can be TOTALLY off regarding your situation, but I feel that I have addressed your posting as I was supposed to. Sincerely, Bryan. Blessings to you and yours.

P.S. I'd be happy to have further communication with you, as I DO CARE about your welfare and just MAY have constructive input.

 

[illusionist]

I don't know the answer but would just like to say that in the past, before I got myself sorted out, I never had a problem with those I didn't love saying it. It hurt when I loved the person and it was said to me.....I would end the relationship within days of hearing it..I feared the emotion and it felt like I was somehow tied to them and I had the responsibility of the happiness etc of that person...like I didn't have room in my head for that....love brought added stress. I hope this makes sense.

 

[Friday]

Don't know for your guy. For myself I haven't said I love you to someone**

- Because I don't love them, and I'm not going to lie.
- Because I can't feel love at the moment, and I'm not going to lie.
- Because I don't believe the other person, so I'm willing to run with it for awhile.
- Because I do believe the other person, which means its time for me to leave*.
- Because if I really loved them, I would leave*.
- Because if I admit to loving them then either I have to leave*, or things get complicated.

As to why he said it hurts? I'm a big fan of asking the person who said it.

* So I don't hurt them.
** This is not the way I always am. I can be blithe, and set on fire, and excited by love. But when I'm being rational & responsible? When I'm willing to do the right thing no matter how much it hurts me? I shoulder it, so they don't.

 

[jaccat]

In my home we didn't do love. Love was dangerous. It meant you cared. You cared, you got hurt. Simple as.

 

[Ronin]

Can't speak for him, but often times I haven't said 'I love you' because actions speak for themselves. And because if I really mean it? It's too often a parting phrase, and with people I want to stay, I'm not giving them that goodbye. We're having a future together, so we're not having something divisive like 'I love you'. There's other ways to say it by (hi warm dinner and movie tickets and a new blanket).

 

[chicken sammich]

My combat Marine veteran professes his love regularly to me. Sometimes he questions my love for him, but I just ask him if he can "feel" it and that seems to satisfy his soul. For 22 years he was a lean mean killing machine. Now I plan to show him AND teach him how love and kindness can overcome those years of battle. Damn right I will. He is worth it!