Is It PTSD

[Raven21901]

I married when I was 17. My ex drank and did drugs all through out our marriage. I have never did drugs or drink. He was emotionally, sexually, physically abusive. We had two kids together. Our daughter is 30 and our son is 27. After 19 years of marriage he finally left me for another woman (a relief). I wanted to get out of the marriage sooner but he would threaten me. By the time we divorced it was 23 years of marriage. He cheated on a regular basis and would bring the women and men home and would make out with them in front of me and our children. I was not allowed to talk back to him or I would get beat. I did everything I could to protect the kids. Now that the kids are grown they do not speak to either of us. They have not spoken to me since their early 20's. I feel like I let them down as a mother. I was never abusive. I only tried my best to shield them from their father. My question is could they be suffering from PTSD. Also he left in 1993 and I have still nightmares of him coming back and hurting me. Is this PTSD. I dream of this often that he comes back to beat me and hurt me on a regular basis. And when I dream about my kids I only dream about them up the age they were when their father left. It is always about protecting them and trying to keep them safe. I am now 53 years old and I am happily married to a wonderful man who is kind and very gentle. Why do I keep having these dreams of my ex and his abuse.

 

[QuietNow]

You keep having dreams of the ex and his abuse because your trust was broken. Now that you are in another relationship, you're probably still internally waiting for the "other shoe to drop" so to speak.

I would strongly suggest calling a therapist and making an appointment to discuss the issues. No one on this board is qualified to tell you that you are suffering from PTSD --you really need a mental health professional to help you. Since your sleep is disrupted, you need to speak with someone very soon.

Remember, the diagnosis isn't the goal here. The goal is to begin to relieve the anxiety issues and feel better.

 

[sfguy]

PTSD isn't defined by what happened to you, but rather by your brain's response to it. If you're having "flashbacks", anxiety issues, feeling like you're stuck in the past, depression, etc. then the diagnosis isn't what's important, it's healing and moving on that matters. Good luck to you.

 

[Sethe]

Raven:

I can relate a little to your story. My exhusband wasn't as blatant with his abusive behavior, but he did treat me poorly.

I agree with the comments of the previous posters- the diagnosis isn't quite the point, but it can be validating to know that something was really wrong due to your environment. Your mind and body reacted to it the only way it knows how in order to protect yourself.

Therapy may be helpful.

 

[bluecat]

Hi Raven,

I believe you fit cPTSD.

I would like to write more, but I am very triggered by your post and will have to let it sink in a little. Your situation sounds almost identical to my mom's situation, more or less extreme in some aspects but overall almost identical. My mom was (is) also abused by my father. She is currently (thank god!) getting a divorce because my father's mistress finally put her foot down (my youngest sister worked on her a little, we'd like to get rid of the bastard, he has caused enough pain in my family).

As a child I blamed my mom for my father's abuse. As I grew up and learned that there really was no way she could have satisfied her husband better and stop him, I stopped blaming her.

Later, I was very angry at my mom when I was working through the pain of not having a mom like other kids, because she was badly broken by my father. I didn't talk to her during that time, but eventually I came to terms with it. She never hit me, although she was sometimes saying very hurtful things. I talk to her now, she did her best, its hard to have six kids and a husband who abuses you and doesn't give you any money for food, given the circumstances, she put in an inhumane effort.

It might take your children some time to work through the trauma's (it is very traumatizing to witness the abuse of your mom, plus your ex probably abused them too?), but it doesn't mean they will never talk to you again. It might help reaching out to them and validating their feelings about what happened, but they might also just be glad they got out of the environment your ex created and not want to be reminded of it at the moment.

Good luck with this, it must be very painful when your children are involved. I had an abusive husband too, but fortunately we didn't have children.

Take care,
Bluecat

 

[Raven21901]

Bluecat, I am sorry to hear about your home life and what you went through. I wish I could take away your pain. No child should ever have to go through this.

As for my children. I have been trying to reach out for them for about 10 years. My daughter has had it hard because her dad even though he had alot of women in his life through out our marriage he basically was a woman hater. So being that my daughter was a female he emotionally abused her to know end. Then she got into the pattern of abusive marriage, left the marriage and then a few more abusive men. After about the 3 or 4 abusive relationship she stopped talking to me. My son well thats another story. I think his girlfriend is abusive. When my son was 14 or 15 he didn't like my rules of not being able to hang out with kids that did drugs. So since his father did that he said he would go live with him. I did not find out until he came back home when he was 17 that his dads ex got my son to like her by smoking pot with him. My son came back home when his dad did not like his choice in girlfriends. I was remarried and living in a small apartment above my parents since my husband and I take care of them in their old age. So my son stayed downstairs with my parents. That lasted a few months until I heard shouting and ran downstairs. My son's girlfriend was trying to beat up my mom who is 84 but was in her late 70's at the time. My son is mad at me because I did not take his side against my mom. I made my son leave the property with his girlfriend. His girlfriend tried to hit my mom because my mom ask her to put her dishes in the dishwasher instead of leaving them unwashed. My son's girlfriend is very controlling. I have reached out to them and ask them why but they won't give me an answer. With my son I am sure it was that incident that caused him not to want to speak to me even though it was the right thing to do on my part. He spoke to me a little after that but his girlfriend did not like it. As for my daughter she won't give me an answer she just says she is busy.

The other post says I should get therapy. I have had therapy for this for many years during the marriage and after the marriage. I need to go back but I do not drive because of a medical condition (Intracranial Hypertension) and the psychologist are so far away. I have been speaking to a local pastor though. Years ago I was diagnosed with PTSD but wasn't sure if the dreams resurfacing was PTSD or not.

My ex drove a motorcycle and I use to have bad flashbacks when ever I heard a motorcycle because he would come home drunk and start his abuse. When I was first married we went to the beach during bike week and it was very hard on me hearing harleys all week long. I would jump and felt like I was always looking over my shoulder that week.

Another thing which may sound trivial to people but I can't stand the weather channel. The music from it sets me on edge. Because my ex would go off in a rant if the tv wasn't left on the weather channel. I remember my son telling me that when he lived with his dad that my son was watching tv shut off the tv and forgot to turn it back on the weather channel. His dad came home went into my sons room and grabbed him by the throat just because he didnt leave the weather channel on the tv.

Also last year my ex's wife emailed me and wanted to swap stories about abuse because she is getting abused now. She really wanted to gloat that my son came and said he was moving to another state and would not be coming to visit me to tell me. I had to find out that way. So I blocked her email account. I remember my son telling me once. So what mom you got beat, get over it. Maybe its his way of hiding the pain. When my son was 10 we were down by the water my son looked up at me and said. "Is daddy in the hospital because he can't decide what woman he wants." His dad had to go to the hospital for alcohol abuse. When he came out his decision was made to move in with his girlfriend. I did not know what to say. How do you tell your 10 year old something like that. And the divorce. He signed over full custody if I let him keep his motorcycle and the SUV.

.

 

[Raven21901]

Sorry to hear that you had a abusive husband also Sethe.

I have been in therapy for many years for this and need to go back. Right now though I have been talking to a local pastor because all the therapist that are worth going to is in another state and I can't drive anymore due to a medical condition called Intracranial Hypertension.

 

[Raven21901]

Holidays and birthdays seem to trigger so this time of year until after Easter is the worse because he seems to of been more abusive on family members birthdays, holidays etc.