Hey everyone. I'm glad I found this forum- maybe it will hold some answers for me.
Like most people, I think I have a pretty complex story. I worked as a paramedic for 10 years although I haven't worked as one for over 4 years now. Like most paramedics, I had a few bad calls. There are a few that replay in my mind now and then- the ones where I felt helpless or ones that had to do with children, but not one that particularly stands out. Towards the end of my 10 year career, I started losing the care and compassion I once had for the job and for my patients. I tried getting off the streets and working as a paramedic dispatcher. If anything, the change made things worse- I found trying to help people over the phone was worse than helping them in person so I went back to work on the streets for a few more years.
I found it difficult to work- I suddenly found myself always anxious; I couldn't sleep although I was not having recurrent nightmares. I was always tired and very irritable and angry. I felt numb and quickly understood what was meant in the movie "Bringing out the Dead" when Nicholas Cage's character who played a paramedic, described himself as a "grief mop".
My family doctor diagnosed me with depression. Through my employer's Employee Assistance Program I saw a counselor who, although did not directly conclude PTSD, used 'tapping therapy' which is commonly used to treat PTSD. It worked to some extent. I talked to my union to see if I would qualify for a compensation claim or job retraining, but was told that although I matched the symptoms, because I could not identify a single sentinel incident, my condition would not qualify as PTSD- a culmination of events wouldn't cut it. I made the decision on my own to leave my career as a paramedic and went on to become a private healthcare consultant and a filmmaker.
Filmmaking was a wonderful release but definitely didn't pay the bills and after my contracts working as a consultant ran out, I turned back to working in emergency healthcare operations as a dispatcher again. Although I am more than capable of handling the job and actually find myself having fun at work, I am always very anxious before my shift. The same feelings that I felt when I worked ambulance are coming back again. Irritability, anxiety, spontaneously bursting into tears- for no reason. It seems that this job now which is very similar to my previous job as a paramedic dispatcher is bringing up all of these former issues that I thought had resolved.
Now I don't know what to do. I didn't like taking the antidepressant meds and in fact I don't think depression was my issue. These overwhelming feelings come over me in waves. PTSD?
Like most people, I think I have a pretty complex story. I worked as a paramedic for 10 years although I haven't worked as one for over 4 years now. Like most paramedics, I had a few bad calls. There are a few that replay in my mind now and then- the ones where I felt helpless or ones that had to do with children, but not one that particularly stands out. Towards the end of my 10 year career, I started losing the care and compassion I once had for the job and for my patients. I tried getting off the streets and working as a paramedic dispatcher. If anything, the change made things worse- I found trying to help people over the phone was worse than helping them in person so I went back to work on the streets for a few more years.
I found it difficult to work- I suddenly found myself always anxious; I couldn't sleep although I was not having recurrent nightmares. I was always tired and very irritable and angry. I felt numb and quickly understood what was meant in the movie "Bringing out the Dead" when Nicholas Cage's character who played a paramedic, described himself as a "grief mop".
My family doctor diagnosed me with depression. Through my employer's Employee Assistance Program I saw a counselor who, although did not directly conclude PTSD, used 'tapping therapy' which is commonly used to treat PTSD. It worked to some extent. I talked to my union to see if I would qualify for a compensation claim or job retraining, but was told that although I matched the symptoms, because I could not identify a single sentinel incident, my condition would not qualify as PTSD- a culmination of events wouldn't cut it. I made the decision on my own to leave my career as a paramedic and went on to become a private healthcare consultant and a filmmaker.
Filmmaking was a wonderful release but definitely didn't pay the bills and after my contracts working as a consultant ran out, I turned back to working in emergency healthcare operations as a dispatcher again. Although I am more than capable of handling the job and actually find myself having fun at work, I am always very anxious before my shift. The same feelings that I felt when I worked ambulance are coming back again. Irritability, anxiety, spontaneously bursting into tears- for no reason. It seems that this job now which is very similar to my previous job as a paramedic dispatcher is bringing up all of these former issues that I thought had resolved.
Now I don't know what to do. I didn't like taking the antidepressant meds and in fact I don't think depression was my issue. These overwhelming feelings come over me in waves. PTSD?
