Is it rape?

[Ekko]

I was with an ex when I was around sixteen and we had begun to do things like touch and giving hickeys, one time he put his hand on my thigh and started kissing me, I didn't want to but I went along with it out of anxiety because at the time I was still struggling with some sexual trauma that I had started remembering.

 

[Movingforward10]

Is touching your thigh and kissing rape when you feel unable to say no?

No.
Rape is defined differently in different parts of the world. All definitions include penetration , which touching and kissing are not.

Is it assault? I would say not. If you had said no, and they did it anyway. Then it would be assault. If they coerced you into it, it would be assault.

Is it traumatic? Most likely. If you felt unable to say no, because of other things, then this can be very traumatic. And that's the point. You don't need a label of rape for something to be harmful to you.

 

[Sideways]

This is an excellent post, on a complex issue.

 

[Dark.Green.Feathers]

And that's the point. You don't need a label of rape for something to be harmful to you.

This is an important point.
There’s a lot to be said about having intimate relationships alongside unprocessed sexual trauma, and at a young age. Nothing legally bad has to happen for something to be harmful to you.

I have an enmeshed relationship with my Dad, I feel as if I can’t say no to him, met him recently, I tried to get out of something I didn’t want to do, and felt I couldn’t. This was pretty distressing to me because I’m currently going through the trauma of a sexually abusive girlfriend.
Had he done anything seriously bad? No. If anything, it would amount to knowingly inconveniencing others in favour of his idea, but I have all the groundwork to feel unsafe in a situation where I’m scared to communicate how I feel, my boundaries to someone, and don’t feel listened to.

They’e not the same, but… absolutely conjure up the same feelings. That’s trauma for you. Having a history of trauma can also lead to further traumatic situations that don't legally amount to anything, but are felt all the same.

“Trauma, is trauma, is trauma” is something my therapist says when I start playing on technicalities.

Am I saying it was traumatic? No, I don’t know you. What I’m saying is there is more to being harmed or traumatised than legal definitions and labelings. There aren’t requirements for entry to feel violated.

My sister suddenly hugged me from behind, yesterday, It scared me quite a bit, felt intrusive, maybe violating to an extent, given my history… do I have any business saying she was doing anything abusive? Absolutely not, but I’m not wrong for feeling my heart leave my body at an innocuous gesture, either. It is what it is. It dredged up some stuff for me.

I’ve had a lot of circumstances feeling unsafe, afraid, uncomfortable, when nobody is doing anything wrong.