Is It Really NOT My Fault?

[morgan]

It is so good that you recognize this control issue you have. Many people couldn't come to that conclusion on their own. You are already half way there. Now you just gotta find a way to let go of that control and stop blaming yourself. I promise you that this will be so freeing for you. Your burden will be lifted and you will have a little more peace of mind. I've been through the self blame thing myself and it just kept me stuck in the trauma. Good therapy actually saved my life and gave me something to look forward to in life. This can happen for you too. Just hang in there and keep working on it. You are making much good progress with this issue. I am proud of you.

Take good care, Morgan:Hug_emoticon:

 

[Kunoichi]

2notbedefeated,

I have trouble with reality..with the past..i have trouble accepting it because i always told myself i would die before "it" would happen to me...well that "it" occurred nearly 900 times in the last 3 years...and i can't wrap my mind around it....but i DO know its not my fault, just as yours isn't hun *HUGS*

We are here for you

Kunoichi

 

[Luthien]

I have issues with this as well. I feel I hold the responsibilty for what happened when I was in the group home. After all, I found him attractive when I moved in there. (Did I somehow lead him on?) I didn't say anything when my warning bells went off, because I was worried I was wrong about his intention.. I let myself get sucked in by his words, and at one point even believed we had a relationship. I thought I loved him for pete's sake. I let him do it to me, and I was 15 at the time... I was old enough to know better, old enough for responsibility.

It wasn't until he became sadistic and thought drugging me, or outright violently raping me was more fun than pretending to like me, that I really fought back and started to get sick.

There is the part of me that from day one knew it was wrong and was scared, but then there was the part of me that let it happen and liked some of his attention.

I never really wanted sex, and tried to get out of it, but relented in the end, because I liked thinking he was really interested in me and found me appealing.

So how about it? It is my fault? Because there are days when I think no way, he was a sick prick who groomed me for it, and took advantage of me, and then hurt me. But there is always that doubt, and that self loathing that creeps up to tell me it was all my own fault. And that I deserved it.

This all has a lot to do with my self loathing and inability to love me.

 

[freya]

2notbedefeated, I don't come here often enough to know more about you, so I just read this one thread.
I can only offer you my impressions from what you wrote. As a child you long for cuddles and attention. I know from my own background that there's this HUGE longing to be accepted and held and understood. I can imagine you would have done anything to get that and taken the rest along with it. Especially if you did not get the acceptance and attention at home. You were a child. You did not know.
You can argue NOW, as an adult, that it was dumb to do that. But then you did not have the faculties and the knowledge you have now.

It seems to me - and I am familiar with that type of thinking - that you more or less kept searching for the ONE thing that you could (but not really) blame yourself for and that was that you walked there on your own feet. I think however that at that time you were NOT aware of what was really going on.
It was the abuser that molested you and did all those things but rather than look at his deeds and his part, you look at your own. I hear that there's a big tendency in every child to take responsibility for whatever happens. They feel they are to blame when their parents divorce, they feel it's their fault if someone they wised were dead, dies. This is the same thing: you think it was your fault because there's this instinct in a kid to take the blame.

I do that too. Someone abused me (when I was 17) and I kept thinking it was my fault, my responsibility. Now after so many years of therapy I can still feel that I was responsible. BUT I also know that the need, the urge to get SOME affection and attention and acceptance is so HUGE. It's a basic need. If you did not learn self-respect at home, I think there's no way that you as a child could have resisted the pull towards a situation in which it séémed that you were offered some.

I'm not sure if what I'm saying is helpful. So just let me say my heart is going out to you.

Freya

 

[freya]

I'm sorry, I missed the second page of your thread. Thank you for your post on how you feel about it. I can relate. I think it makes a lot of sense.

Something I can say is that I too grew up in a home where my feelings and emotions were not accepted (only my father seemed to be allowed to have them). This taught me to NOT feel, not be in touch with what I felt, and I learned to ignore what I felt and needed. THIS makes you prey to abusers!

The 'intuition' that another person might have had to avoid the person abusing me, I simply did not have anymore, I'd switched it off in order to survive at home. So I ignored the hunches, the misgivings, I ignored the signs that my abuser was 'mad', I just went for the affection offered.

Again, not sure if this is helpful. But sharing it anyway. I think you're brave in your search for healing.

Freya

 

[Tinyflame]

Freya- I believe that you are so right.

Thank You so much.
:Hug_emoticon:

 

[freya]

Thanks....

 

[2notbedefeated]

Does the following make sense to anyone? Or am I entertaining delusions that allow me to stay in denial?

First, I'm not sure I have really grasp the reality of the already mentioned memories with Bob. I remember talking with my therapist about how hard it is to accept that this really happened to me, because to do so means that I have painful feelings. I’m not sure why it’s so hard, it just is. Feelings were bad and not allowed to be expressed in my home.

I think I might be afraid of my emotions and to have to actually feel them. I think I’m afraid of the pain, the fear, the sadness, the anger, and realization that someone could actually take pleasure in hurting me, torturing me, abusing me sexually and other ways too.. It makes me sick just thinking about that.


I’m afraid these feelings will suck me in and chew me into pieces and spit me out. I’m afraid of coming unglued, undone, losing control and having to admit that I really was not in control, that I cannot control what happened to me is unbearably scary.

Being out of control is far more scary, I feel unsafe that way. If I admit fault then I can say to myself that I was in control. I don’t want to feel vulnerable and weak and that I am not able to fight to protect myself.

I think the reason I prefer to say it’s my fault and that I am to blame makes it easier to admit because it says that I am in control. I made that choice to be abused, if I say its my fault then I had control.

If I say I’m to blame I am still in control. It indicates a choice, it indicates I’m taking responsibility for my actions - I’m still in control.

But in my here and now reality I can only control certain things, but I cannot control people.

I don’t want to believe that I was helpless, because that then indicates I have no control, I’m not able to protect myself and keep myself safe. It’s too much to believe and accept. I like to think I can keep myself self from things that would hurt. I soooo struggle with in the area of trust.

Does this make any sense to anyone?

 

[Tinyflame]

Yes 2, it makes sense.

And "shame" (to which I believe I can safely say most of us if not all are prone to feeling, me anyway) can be a way to avoid the feelings associated with a trauma, too.