Relationship Is It The Ptsd, Or Him?

[Anna]

No problem, it didn't distress me :)

Just wanted to add, I think if people are happy in a relationship they will not seek out attention from others. Also if they do, if the relationship means something then they will work the issues out to salvage that relationship as I did with mine. Many people do have affairs, many people split up, but many also stay together. Relationships are hard, at the end of the day it is life and it comes with life that it has its ups and downs.

There is no excuse for cheating, but if someone does then there is something wrong. The relationship can sometimes be saved, it is not always the end, sometimes it is, sometimes it is not. It all depends on how much you love and want that relationship.

 

[BloomInWinter]

Thanks for your understanding! I have issues with short term memory sometimes and transpose details frequently. I'm still hoping it's just the PTSD and not early-onset dementia.

 

[Darcy J]

Just a question. How did you find the email? Did you check his email account? How did you get the password?

The fact that you are snooping shows deep down your distrust for him. Now this has been proven because of the email.

We both have gmail accounts. He didn't log out of his, so when I went to open up gmail his account logged in. I didn't do it intentionally. It was a serious fluke and bad luck on his part.

I hate snooping. I hate the feeling of having to monitor him. So I don't. His phone is private and his emails are private. I don't know his passwords, but I do ask questions about people or if he's getting a heap load of texts. It could be someone I know in trouble. So I ask. If it's none of my business, then he has the right to tell me to butt out. That has happened before. I've been stupidly curious, but left it at that.

He has stopped conversations with these women as I have asked. But I want to talk with his therapist and loet him know that this has happened. I never for one second thought my husband would cheat. We talked about cheating very early on in our relationship. It's a deal breaker in most cases. But we also have a young son and I have no resources outside of our marriage. Divorce is a last resort right now. I honestly don't think it will come to that. But I will be on my guard.

 

[BloomInWinter]

You don't owe any of us an explanation. Go with what works for you! You do know what is best for your situation.

I hope it all works out. Please do take good care of yourself and keep us posted. :)

 

[Darcy J]

I will definitly keep you posted.

 

[Innordinate]

Sorry, no. I think you really need to define this 'cheating'.


Is online 'pretend' love really cheating? Maybe that's a cry for help. Something he's not getting from you that he can get online.

Non-judgmental irresponsibility.

To me, online 'cheating' would be the same as thoughts. If you could read his mind and found out he's thinking about someone 'hotter' 'sexier' etc than you..is that cheating? I'd think not or every woman in the world would be divorced or never married. You can't read his mind. Love is an easy word to use sometimes.

If you have to snoop, obviously, I think you're asking for it. If you 'feel' like you have to snoop, I think that's enough to say that you don't trust the guy. Maybe that's your issue.

I don't know. But I don't think online anything is cheating.... or... is porn cheating? I know to some people it is. Thus.... define for the both of you..... what is cheating and what is not. Set that boundry before condemning.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I don't think inordinate has ever been involved with someone they met strictly online. I have, and while it wasn't cheating as I was single at the time, it most definitely would have been cheating if I was otherwise attached. An emotional affair can be more damaging than a physical one. (Is this a male vs female perspective on this? Not starting a fight, rather noticing a difference as I've heard of other guys say it's not cheating cuz nothing physical happened.)

But no, it's not the PTSD.

 

[Nicolette]

Is online 'pretend' love really cheating? Maybe that's a cry for help. Something he's not getting from you that he can get online.

Innordinate I guess, to me, if it was a cry for help how would Darcy J even be given the opportunity to respond.... I mean he didn't tell her and she stumbled across it :meh:

 

[BloomInWinter]

Sorry, no. I think you really need to define this 'cheating'.

APA Explanation/Definition:

"While there is no universally accepted definition, an Internet affair frequently involves intimate chat sessions and sexually stimulating conversation or cybersex, which may include filming mutual masturbation with a Web camera.

Several studies suggest that even when there is no in-person contact, online affairs can be just as devastating as the real-world variety, triggering feelings of insecurity, anger and jealousy. Women usually feel more threatened by the emotional betrayal of a partner’s online affair, while men are more concerned about physical encounters, Hertlein says, but the gender differences are lessening."

Source: Link Removed
Yes, without a doubt, he was cheating.

 

[BloomInWinter]

... Something he's not getting from you that he can get online.

...I think you're asking for it.

I wholeheartedly disagree with the victim-blaming in these statements. They are not accurate, nowhere close to the body of knowledge on the subject of infidelity. They are invalidating language for the person here seeking advice. ...and not to mention, judging and unkind.

Innordinate, I believe you owe her an apology.

Cheating isn't the spouse's fault.

Fantasy also is a huge factor in online affairs, and fantasy always trumps reality. “Your primary partner will never be able to compare with the f

antasy partner,” Hertlein says. “They will never win.”

According to Young, people with low self-esteem, a distorted body image, an untreated sexual dysfunction or a prior sexual addiction are more at risk to develop addictions to cybersex or online pornography.

Therapy can be more complicated if the cheating partner doesn’t believe his or her online activities qualify as an affair, Ducharme says. “The excuses are, ‘I didn’t have sex with this person. I didn’t go out and see anybody or catch any diseases,’” she says. “But the other partner often feels such an emotional betrayal that they are going through the same feelings as if their partner was having a real affair.”

Source: Link Removed

 

[BloomInWinter]

To me, online 'cheating' would be the same as thoughts. If you could read his mind and found out he's thinking about someone 'hotter' 'sexier' etc than you..is that cheating? I'd think not or every woman in the world would be divorced or never married. You can't read his mind. Love is an easy word to use sometimes.

I.....But I don't think online anything is cheating.... or... is porn cheating? I know to some people it is...

I think Dr. Drew has a good response to these questions..

Here's the acid test for appropriateness: Pretend that someone near and dear to you is witnessing what you are writing or sending, or knows what you are thinking about sending. If, say, your partner saw this behavior, how would he or she feel?​

That you are asking yourself this question could mean that you shouldn't be doing it! Be honest. Don't derail an important relationship by denying what's really going on.​

An Internet "relationship" doesn't have to be catastrophically harmful to be inappropriate. Hurtful is bad enough. That's the standard. It doesn't matter that what you're doing might -- or might not -- lead to anything else.​

I have a decade in dealing with this. My experience tells me that men and women perceive these interactions differently. Women are upset if their partner has an intimate conversation of any kind with someone who isn't them. They consider it a violation, a betrayal. Men should think this way, but they don't. They are less concerned with words and dialogue. They think that sexy pictures or physical contact is what it takes to be a cheater.​

I am generalizing about the ways most men and most women behave. As with anything there are exceptions to what I've spelled out here.​

But if you're like many, you now know what the answer is when someone asks, "Is it cheating?"

Source: [DLMURL]http://articles.cnn.com/2011-06-09/opinion/pinsky.internet.cheating_1_simple-answer-internet-cheating-men-and-women?_s=PM:OPINION[/DLMURL]​

 

[Innordinate]

.

Innordinate, I believe you owe her an apology.

Cheating isn't the spouse's fault.

I don't think I owe anyone an apology, nor will I apologize. It takes 2 people to have a relationship....but I also notice I got off topic.

So to answer the original question better - PTSD may influence peoples behavior but it didn't make him have any type of conversation with anyone, whether you believe it's cheating or not. It's him.

That's why I said define cheating, for yourselves. Obviously you think it's cheating, he may not have, though he should know now how it made you feel and avoid any more of the same in the future.

What I meant by 'a cry for help' may be that he wants to connect with you but doesn't know how and finds connecting with other people online easier/safer/ less hurtful... who knows, but that's how I see it.