As someone who has been cheated on several times, I hope no one minds if I put in my .02.
Thrills and adrenalin are addictive, which is always part of starting a physical or emotional intimacy with someone other than your partner, provided you have a conscience which the thrill of doing wrong is stemming from.
Any form of intimacy, either physical or emotional, that is had with one other than your partner is, in my view, cheating. Intimacy is between two people, and unless you are responsible enough to state that your intimate needs are not being fulfilled, before proceeding with the third party, your actions are selfish, unfair, and smack of a view of hopelessness regarding the situation.
Both times I have been cheated on have been for totally different reasons.
1. my first experience was because my then partner was bored, wanted sex, and because I was too damaged from the last bout of rape/sex, he went and screwed my best friend/work colleague.
I walked in on it, and was told to either join in and 'suck it' or get out and leave him in peace.
Was that my fault that he cheated??
2. I was assaulted by a work colleague, and 2 months later, PTSD set in with a vengeance. 4 months later I broke down in the middle of sex with my beloved, and begged him not to hurt me......he was shattered that I would think that he would hurt me.
Long story short, his sex drive had been suppressed, and once he started dating me, it boomed, and his whole body underwent a physical hormonal change, sex was abruptly cut off, and he started going out of his mind with physical lust.
After 6 months, during which he fought really hard not to pester me, I realised that something had to be done, he couldn't concentrate, he couldn't drive safely, his work was being affected and his fuse had been shortened to the length of a bee's dick.
I suggested going to a rub and tug massage to help him, but he came home 30min later and sobbed into my arms that he had lost control during the massage, and penetrated the girl.
Was that my fault too?
4 months ago, my partner and I found out that his brother had been cheating on his wife for 16 out of the 18 months he had been married, and the mistress is now pregnant.
It had started because the wife(chinese) had gone back to china for a few months at a time for business/family, and he had decided to find himself an oncall booty.
He packed up his clothes while she was away, and told her that he was going out for drinks and would be back. He told her that he had left a note for her in her handbag.
He never came back, but instead went to his mistress' place.
We got a call at 6am from her, distraught on the phone, saying that she had a note from him, and he had never come back.
Was that her fault?
Inordinate, yes, it may be true that the partner in this thread who was/is cheating had unfullfilled needs, BUT, it is HIS responsibility to state that those needs are not being met, and allow change to occur, being it a repair of the relationship or a split.
But it is NOT the woman's fault that he chose to keep his mouth SHUT and his zipper OPEN and take the coward's way out by being intimate with a third party online.
The responsibility lies first and foremost to the original commitment, the partner, when all else has failed, then, and only then, do you find a third party, who, realistically, has now become the 'partner' for the purposes of intimacy.
This entire forum states EVERYWHERE that it is NOT your fault that you were abused, assaulted, raped, beaten.....whatever horrid thing happened.....we are ALL free of the ownership of guilt for another's actions, as they were ANOTHER'S actions, NOT our own.
We can only be responsible for ourselves, and our own actions.
This is why I agree that you do owe an apology, not for pointing out that the partner had unfullfilled needs, but that you have laid the blame at the door of someone who was not given an opportunity to right a wrong, or attempt to fix something.
The reason why she was not given that opportunity, she may have contributed to, but ultimately it is his actions, not hers, and therefore the blame is laid squarely on him for his lack of maturity and guts to fix the problem(s).
One last thing,
I think that Darcy's replies have been incredibly mature and forgiving, although I have an inkling that on the inside, on the other side of the computer screen, she is quite hurt by the lack of support and the blame laid at her door, so here is a very big hug, and cuddle, to you, Darcy, and keep your head up girlfriend. :hug::inlove:
