Is It Time For Me To Go?

[Tinyflame]

Dear sweet souls *(because that is what you are)- Brat, Mina, KP, Mrs T, Bloom, Dear Alby, thank you all for your understanding and wisdom- and such support! I neither expected that nor thought of it. When I posted I braced myself as it were for 'whatever' I should hear.

Dear Brat, you said:

Junebug I wish you would elaborate a little more because I try not to assume what you are meaning. At first I thought you were talking about the people in your life, then maybe you are speaking of the forum. At first I thought you were meaning removing yourself physically from a particular environment, then considered (knowing how I sometimes feel) that you may mean removing yourself from the world.

You are a great asset to the forum. I know you are a great asset to those around you. You are a great asset to the world. I know that is not a reason to stay anywhere. More importantly, you are not responsible for others-anywhere. I am glad others around you are doing good, and know you contribute to that, but you are not responsible for others happiness.

Life is about relating, relationships, be it co workers, lover, children, parents, or people at the supermarket. We relate all day long. It is unreasonable to think that all humans that are happy today will not be unhappy again on another day. Pain will come to them, with or without us. Sometimes we will cause it, sometimes we will help repair it. Sometimes we well be injured in the middle of it.

So while I know that it is about "you" like others have pointed out, we dont live in a vacuum. We are always relating to others. There is a time to support others, there is a time to lean on others. There is a time to let others be there for us. This is very hard for me, and Im guessing it might be for you too.

Sometimes there are such toxic people in our lives that we do need to remove ourselves from them for our own survival.

Junebug, you will never be responsible for bringing others down. People who are healthy are able to hear and know our hurts, be empathetic and compassionate, and not let it take them down...

I am so sorry- I didn't mean to be unclear, I am just a terrible communicator when it comes to myself, and stuff like this.

But you are all very right, because of your answers (and support), I can figure out that (before I had them), I felt like a fly on the wall watching my own life, and the people in it, and somewhere feeling like I just wish they could be happy like they are now and me not exist at all. I started out by thinking that maybe what began as my 'choices' (and seemed 'healthy') were actually just burdensome to others and not really 'healthy' for maybe me or them. I guess at it's core it's more like SI without even realizing it; that is some 'fantasy' or way of thinking that 'See how happy everyone is, their lives will be ok and greatly happy even if I wasn't around" (probably because I equated them not needing any input from me to be happy).

After all everyone has said, I think the real truths are that I am not responsible for others' thoughts or happiness, I truly can't control anything but my own, and yes- surely enough there will be more sad/ bad times, good times, etc. And some of my current relationships are very toxic, and as much as I'd like to think I 'handle it' (I'm still 'here', after all) I don't really, they are painful and yes, the abuse (even verbal) impacts on me. And also, I must say I never have thought that I (or my presence) was at best more than 'incidental', definitely not that I contribute to anyone's happiness or that I would be missed.

I cannot really find the words, but from the bottom of my heart I thank everyone. That's why I asked, I also know from my distorted brain that I find it very hard to grasp what the truth is, in that I guess because of the ptsd I have erred so much in the other direction that I'm deathly afraid of being a 'negative' in others' lives. Like if the ptsd sucks me down the drain that's one thing, but if it harms someone else that I can't live with. (Which is ironic because S can cause ptsd in others).

So I'm going to work on the SI- consider it as having an influence, and work on the reality that I am not responsible for others' thoughts or reactions, and try to trust that I'm not ('can't') bring a healthy person down (like you said Brat), especially if I am doing the best I can.
And also I guess like everyone has said, try to do the ''me' thing in so far as battling the ptsd (doing what I need to get healthy or deal with it). Yikes- do I need a lot of work, lol.
And you're right too brat, 'leaning on others' is so hard and have never thought I've been much entitled to such an option.

I think too before this thread or rather before reading the responses, I never quite recognized (or more accurately admitted) how much I've given up on myself, I think I've just been trying to 'hold out' for as long as I'm in the world but not very hopeful (as regards myself).

-Thank you for your sweet selves and letting me lean on 'you',
xoxox

 

[Tinyflame]

(But I blame you guys for making me :cry: -happy ones though :) )
xox

 

[Srain]

((((((((((((((((Junebug)))))))))))))))

I had noticed you hadn't been around much but I didn't understand why. You're view point is always interesting and enlightening, it gives me much to consider and is ALWAYS appreciated. When I saw the this thread it worried me simply because of my feeling that you have felt sad to me lately, just my own take. Through reading it, I was grateful that Brat17 had written what she had and as well as others.

Please know how very important you are, how much you give, and what a lovely person you are. Black and white thinking is my plague as well. I'm so glad you decided to post this out here and get some feedback.

Hugs and prayers,
Rain

 

[intothelight]

(((Junebug))),

Every time I read your notes of encouragement, support, hugs and genuine thoughtfulness, it brings a smile to my face and reinforces the fact that their are good and wonderful people in this world. That is the gift that you bring, and that is something you should be very proud of. I have a feeling that is very much who you are and what you are about.

But do remember to value yourself enough to take care of you. For me, this forum is about giving and receiving support. Many times we don't have it when we need it in the real world. But we should seek it in all aspects of our lives. You can be on the receiving end to and it is perfectly OK.

Do what you need to and start doing what is best for you first. I know it is easier said than done, and quite frankly it took the shock of facing the end of my own life to want to start living. I hope that it is never that drastic for anyone else. You are truly a blessing to many, and now start being a blessing to yourself.

Much XO
Deb

 

[mamachick]

(((Junebug))) You truly have been such and inspiration for me. You seem to always have it all together, and always have words of kindness, wisdom, and compassion. I wish I knew you in our non computer world. You make a world of difference to others, but the bottom line is, it is not your responsibility to always make others feel better. Please lean on others. I find this very difficult for myself. I think I am protective of others and dont want to be a burden, and, if I ask and tell what I need and dont get it, I will feel worse. Also, sometimes Im just in pain and dont know why and dont know what I need so I cant ask.

I have been having that SI lately. I have been remembering that when my kids were little, I was so afraid of dying and who would care for them (since I have such a dysfunctional family and even my husband wouldnt find my wishes were important) All these years later, they are grown, their lives are full, mine is empty and sad often, and as you kind of said, I feel my job is done. I can check out.

Im friends with my ex most of the time, but because he would jump at the hope of us getting back together, I am always protecting boundaries. I never want to hurt him. If I thought I could get my needs met, I would go back with him. Its complicated.

When I heard Whitney Houston died, I cried. I have been watching and tearful all week. I know this sounds so weird. Ive watched interviews and see through the mask, the pain and fear that is behind her addiction. It makes me so sad and I cry again. I relate to her ( at least in my imagination). I perceive her hurts with Bobby Brown, etc and in interviews see this woman that has been a star to so many, but on a very simple level-wants to feel loved. I know I sound stupid.

Anyway my ex was at my house and this was on and I began crying. I just kind of curled up and cried on his shoulder. Her daughter will suffer the loss of her mother so much. Im sure she has brought some pain to the daughters life, but she loved and admired her mother more than anyone maybe. The daughter's life is changed forever-and not for the good. No matter how many times her mom had to go to rehab, she still needed her mom. We are all different, but we all have someone that we are in relationship with, that comes with the good and the bad.

I would never lean on my ex because I didnt want to mislead him. The truth is we are all human and need love and comfort from others, and nothing comes without risk. Before I off myself, I think others would prefer me to lean on them-I know it.

Everyone will hurt us, we just have to decide who is worth the hurts. This is especially tough IMHO, for those of us with ptsd. Maybe the hurts seem magnified-at least I think I am very sensative these days.

You are very special Junebug. You make the world a much nicer place for others, time for you to take something for yourself. ((((hugs))))

 

[Tinyflame]

Dear Rain and Deb and Brat, I am so overwhelmed by kindness. Talk about wonderful people, despite all your own struggles to take the time and care for something like this.

Brat I do wish too I knew you in 'real life', but except for 'virtual arms' (Hugs!) I think we are more
real here in many ways. I think what is rarely said within our struggles or 'realities' is that the people here are extraordinary in so many ways. For all of how terribly hard we are on ourselves (and I think we are) there are people here who are just so wonderful and kind (like you) it's incredible to me.
And yes for the record- just like Whitney Houston, I understand that about her too. I think people rarely get beyond seeing her fame (or envy of it, or 'judgment'), to see 'her', or to understand her pain. It is only tragic. Let alone for her poor daughter.

What also amazes me with everyone's kindness, is there I was trying to figure out how to, or if I should, 'remove' myself-(didn't realize it has a lot to do with SI, really, I think, like Bloom said, or 'zero worth'), confirmation to, I guess, only to hear the opposite, which never really occurred to me. And I know everyone must be right, I really have not taken care of myself or acknowledged that I have 'needs' much, or do things that were anti-ptsd, as it were. Kind of like trying to put a stranglehold on the ptsd to the point it strangles me as well, if that makes any sense (?) I have to actually 'learn' how to do that, I know they say 'assertiveness and boundaries and self-worth' and all that, but yikes, I've just been white-knuckling it. Not really sure how to 'do' it, otherwise, I've always blamed myself for so long.

And (but) Deb- so kind- so that is (my) 'gift'. Well, YOU are a gift, too :) xoxox
(Hee- I feel like a 'booby prize' :confused:, lol)

I hope that we can all go easier on ourselves, because I think you are all such Super Sweet people. It's funny because I never thought of ptsd as having anything 'useful' about it but if it's related in any way to 'making' people like you all are the way you are- so wonderful, then talk about 'precious beyond compare', wow. I am honored to be able to know you and call you friends. :)
xox

 

[Tinyflame]

And yes!, it occurred to me, how is it that me/ 'we' could get through so many awful things, and then get triggered by 'happiness' -(!)

 

[Nighthawk]

Junebug
You bring so much to me and i can only imagine to others around you. Although I know from personal experience that I do not always allow people you know the real ones see the real me. I just want you to know you are cherished.


((((((Junebug)))))))

 

[Tinyflame]

Thank you NH, I feel the same about you
((((((((NH <3))))))))))

 

[KP the nut]

((((JB))), ever since I joined the forum you have been there to encourage me, hug me and give advice. I thank you.

 

[Mrs. T]

Junebug, I don't know you well, but it didn't take long for me to gain respect and appreciation for you on here. I'm mad though, because my phone won't let me view the first page of this thread. :)

I'm so happy you seem to have realized your importance both in virtual and the "real" world. Don't feel like you're in this world alone. Because you aren't. You are obviously loved and appreciated on the forum, by people who wouldn't recognize you if they saw you, yet would be so sad to see you go. I would imagine you are that much more of a blessing in real life (though you may not feel that way).

Anyone in my life who I love will (guaranteed) hurt me or "bring me down" at some point. At the same time, without them, my life would be empty. They bring such joy and comfort into my life.

Sometimes, I think about my friends who haven't had kids yet and the things they can accomplish in their day because they only have to care for themselves. Then I look at my kids, and I realize that not only would my life be boring without them, I wouldn't trade the world for them. The same is true for the other people in my life who I love.

The beauty of any relationship is we give and we take. Ever try to do humanitarian work? You go thinking how you can help people, and leave feeling like they did more for you then you did for them. Why should you feel guilty for getting something in return? Don't. Continue to do your part, and soak in and enjoy the returns.

Junebug, continue to do your part in life, and soak in and enjoy the returns. Seriously, when it comes to the returns, it's best to be selfish!

When it comes to supporting someone with ptsd, read the supporters posts. Most of us can't see our lives without our sufferers. We love them, why else would we be here? We talk about our struggles, but probably for most of us, we only have this one place to safely vent. If all you read is the venting, then it can seem quite negative. I bet if you talked to any one of us about our 'sufferer', we'd tell you how much we adore them (you may have noticed, but I like to brag about my husband). Personally, anyone suffering with ptsd is to be admired. You are survivors. You have endured more then I can imagine, and you are still living, working towards a brighter future. You are so selfless that you would do anything to try to protect those you love. It's your selflessness that makes us scared of losing you one day. You don't put enough value in yourself. We, as supporters, Need you to be more selfish.

Please be good to yourself. You deserve the best

 

[PTSD sufferer]

(((Junebug)))

We all heal in different ways and at different speeds. It is a long and windy journey to healing.

You should not be concerned about 'bringing others down'. We are, after all, up and down and sideways most of the time :D. We are here to support each other when we are down, give a gentle nudge when we are sideways and share the joy when we are up. Regardless of where each of us is at, in a single point in time, we will always be here for each other, because we value each other dearly. No exceptions!

If you feel you need to take a break from the forum to work on you, then I want you to feel empowered to do so. And, if along the way you decide to pop in every now and then, when you need support or to tell us about your accomplishments, then we will be here eagerly awaiting your news. If you want to pop in to catch up with friends then we will be delighted to see you. If you choose to leave permanently, then know that we will always be with you in spirit and right here if you need to chat.

All my love and hugs, PS xxoo