Is It Time For Me To Go?

[Tinyflame]

OMG NH, precious , like you :) :inlove:
(((((Dearest NH))))))

 

[Tinyflame]

I just wonder however, is there not a component wherein we (or 'I') should be responsible for choosing to alleviate a burden by removing it? If someone is too kind to say that it is burdensome, isn't it still up to me to recognize it is burdensome to them and do it anyway?

 

[intothelight]

Junebug,

Just be you. You'll know what to say when the times present themselves. We each have our parts in this little community and our roles change over time. Just find you spot and when you see the opportunity and some insight you want to share, share. Who knows who it will touch.

Kind of like sprinkling little "shinning stars of hope" on the internet! Or lots of (((Hugs))) for those that don't have them at home.

You're a sweety!

Deb

 

[Tinyflame]

Double xox to you especially Deb- same here (((((((Deb xoxox))))))

 

[Nighthawk]

I wish I knew the words.

 

[Zipperhead]

Junebug, most people aren't "too kind" to tell you when you are a burden. If we care about someone, then they are not a burden. Guessing how others must feel in the face of uncertanty is not helpful. If they haven't told you, then you are not a burden. Stop blowing out the candle. I'm running out of matchs here! ;)

 

[melody]

(((Junebug)))

 

[anthony]

I just wonder however, is there not a component wherein we (or 'I') should be responsible for choosing to alleviate a burden by removing it? If someone is too kind to say that it is burdensome, isn't it still up to me to recognize it is burdensome to them and do it anyway?

The problem here is whether you can confirm a burden exists, or whether you are thinking for someone else (negative thinking style) and on behalf of them, to use as an excuse to remove yourself from a situation to conclude being a burden upon another.

Vast difference between the two actions.

Lets say you have a married couple who are involved in a car accident. The female ends up paralysed and in a wheel chair for the rest of her life.

Now, her immediate thoughts are to leave her husband because she feels she is now a burden upon his life due to the accident.

Negative Thinking: She is thinking for him, not asking him for his input of commitment or whether he wants out, so she leaves the relationship as her decision.

Actuality (possible outcomes):

1. He may feel compelled to stay, and eventually agree that he can't handle the situation.
2. He may accept and choose to leave with complete honesty to his wife, even though it will hurt her, he answers the question honestly.
3. He may have no change in his thinking at all about his wife being in a wheel chair, as that is not an obstacle for him, he just loves his wife and is happy to continue on with their relationship, accepting some obvious changes must take place to cater her disability.

Vastly different outcomes, but on the actuality list contains actual discussion with options given for the other party/ies involved, without negative thinking styles involved.

 

[Tinyflame]

The problem here is whether you can confirm a burden exists, or whether you are thinking for someone else (negative thinking style) and on behalf of them, to use as an excuse to remove yourself from a situation to conclude being a burden upon another.

Vast difference between the two actions.

Negative thinking: She is thinking for him, not asking him for his input of commitment or whether he wants out, so she leaves the relationship as her decision.

Vastly different outcomes, but on the actuality list contains actual discussion with options given for the other party/ies involved, without negative thinking styles involved.

Anthony yes! Exactly, you've hit the nail on the head. I have hated to post this thread, because I could never 'get' the words-exactly. Because I could not untangle my thoughts.

I have tried not to 'think for others', and I know I am most certainly prone to negative thinking styles.
But you said it, exactly: discussion, options, excuses (potentially).
Thank you, even I have to admit the brief discussions I have had have not been 'saying that'.

I believe it is my own excuse, or fear, or God-knows what, but so much of the onus lays with me.
And I hate 'whining' about it, have only posted this here on the forum. And not as whining- I could not get 'unconfused', or out of this hole. It's been one of the worst parts of ptsd for me, if that has what has influenced it, in terms of shame, blame, meltdowns, experiences, etc.

It is my fault, or responsibility I should say, that I have tried to find evidence to support my own negative thinking.
So thank you, to fill in the words I couldn't also, and to make it clear.
It is my responsibilty to actually 'discuss' things, and not use excuses just because it's easier, or maybe less fearful, or whatever.

Because today I thought of (basically) the same example you gave, and thought "Ya, I'd feel like a burden and leave"- discussion or options wouldn't have occurred to me.
I even thought today, if, or when, I have been a burden, well then one can apologize for that, and take steps to change my own future behaviours. That sort of touches on discussion, and options.

And Zip, and everyone- I appreciate it.
Zip, -thanks. It never occurred to me that people wouldn't hesitate to say it, -thank you that also means a lot.

 

[Srain]

Junebug, the thinking for others is EXACTLY the issue I wrestle with. I've been point-blank confronted with this in therapy and it's something that is a day by day work in progress to put myself in check. Even the words, "I know my husband would be better off without me" or "I know he is only with me because he feels obligated", etc.

Anthony nailed with the "thinking for others". Sometimes I get so caught up in that I can't see that I'm doing it either. A question presented to me by my tdoc was, "if you trust these people and respect them then when you ask them a question you why not respect their response?" I thought that was something worth remembering.

((((((((((((((Junebug)))))))))))))
Rain

 

[Tinyflame]

Dear Rain, I missed your response entirely, only found it when I came back for a question- thank you. Oh God, -can I ever relate!

Without flogging a dead horse, so to speak, it came to me today as regards what Anthony said, and as you said Rain, above, that that is (actually) part of the problem.

Although I am bad at 'discussions', and do (or 'think'/ 'feel') frequently as you have described above Rain, and realize that is my problem (your T has good advice), I actually have tried to discuss this issue or ask, in a 'proper' frame of mind, and have gotten no response back to affirm or disafirm it.

My concern is that that is because (at least this is my most logical explanation and the impression I get) that I get no response for one of these 3 reasons, depending on the situation:

1) Family member I live with- neither one of us can alter the living arangement at this time, or likely in the near future. She has expressed that this (was) one regret she has, as regards a past event that impacts on her present (she believes). She also feels somewhat 'obligated' for me, I believe, as she assumed that role when I was born, she is older than me, and neither one of us really has family left (who cares for each other). Also by her nature she is generous, or caring. But also has expressed resentments.

2) Person I've asked direction from, professionally though I also consider a friend, doesn't respond at all unless in person, I fear that is because believes it is a professional obligation, or perhaps even that I will ~complain? (In-so-far-as lots of people in the public do/ can't be pleased).

3) My friends (closest) seem to be giving me feedback that they are waiting for the 'old me' to re-surface, our interactions are decidely 'more in common' only when I try to act like I have before, I can feel the distance and feel more strained. Without acting like the 'old me' they contact me less. To their credit they haven't given up on me entirely, but neither am I going to ever be able to be what they're (seemingly) waiting for.

Not withstanding I give people credit that we all have plenty of stuff going on, nor do I want to approach this from a point of whining, or looking for re-assurance. It basically seems, no one communicates much, so I think that explains why (partly) I feel as I do, and am not sure what is right to do, or like I said if it is better to not bother being a 'bother'!, lol. I suppose I can try to 'ask' (again), but not sure if it's pride or just discomfort but I really don't want to have to go through that.
It wouldn't matter, but I guess it bothers me, for both their sake as well as my own, I guess no one wants to feel like a 'bother' or 'detriment'/ 'baggage'.

The conclusions I have to draw, change (or will have to change), where I choose to live and how to accomplish that, where I go, who I trust, what I reveal or disclose (or don't, in the future), and who and 'how' I spend my free time with.

I don't have a problem 'removing myself' or making myself scarce from these interactions, but I do suspect that that is more isolating. Is it 'due' to wanting to isolate, or 'shame' or just accurate conclusions drawn-who knows? :confused:

 

[Tinyflame]

Also, it occurred to me, it is possible they don't care less, and therefore it doesn't matter either way.