General Is my partner abusive?am i crazy am i selfish?

[jmad]

Let me abstract my comment a bit. Irrespective of the case at hand, I don't think it is appropriate to say " I know someone with PTSD and they don't behave that way." I have two veteran friends with PTSD. One is withdrawn and isolates himself; the other constantly on edge and likes to get into bar fights. Both are unhealthy ways of dealing with symptoms and both need treatment.

I think my point was lost because of the severity of the abuse that this man inflicted. Who know's what is wrong with that man; either way, she should leave him.

 

[jmad]

Was never asked about rage in my diagnostic assesment, but ok ,sure, I can imagine it is a product of hyperarousal.
Still not relevant to this thread. This guy is overtly abusive and manipulative.

Anger is an emotion. Rage is a behavior. But it really does not matter if it’s PTSD related behavior or symptoms or whatever.

Abuse is abuse. It is not solved by facing zero consequences for the abuse, whatever the cause.

When I was diagnosed with PTSD, that did not give me a free pass to choke and harm others. It did not suddenly make it ok to expose children to trauma and violence.

The abuse and violence I suffered did not suddenly became ok when my own abuser was diagnosied with PTSD. The lasting trauma on me didn’t disappear because of any diagnosis he had.

Whatever is going on with him, that’s for him to figure out and solve. Not his partner and not his children.

Safety comes first.

Completely agree with both of you. My post really under played the severity and the outright abusive nature of the relationship discussed in this thread. Anger is a symptom, but how one choose to react to that anger is one's responsibility. Its a corner stone of CBT - separating the feeling from the behavior. It does not make it ok, nothing does; "abuse is abuse."

I apologize if my post suggested otherwise.

 

[Sweetpea76]

The point I was making about my partner is that severe PTSD does not cause somebody choke, slap, beat, or otherwise abuse their partner. It does not make it OK. It is not an acceptable reason to forgive it. It is not a symptom that cannot be helped.

There is a long jump between feelings and actions. Emotional dysregulation my left foot.

 

[Marinna]

Let me abstract my comment a bit. Irrespective of the case at hand, I don't think it is appropriate to say...

I think the reason we need to shut your argument down hard is because the OP does not need to hear it. She can't afford to associate PTSD with his abuse at the moment. She already is in a res

Completely agree with both of you. My post really under played the severity and the outright abusive nat...

Your post was just in the wrong thread today. We need to shutdown your argument hard because the op is struggling with seperating ptsd +his abuse. Any suggestion that the two are related (and they are not in this case, he is a manipulater and gaslighter) needs to be discounted. If you had posted your argument in another thread we could have had a more reasonable discussion.

 

[Friday]

@jmad

People coming here often don’t know what’s PTSD, and what’s just the personality of he person they’re dating.

A symptom of ADHD is impulsivity. That’s doesn’t mean we run around burning down houses.
A symptom of PTSD is lashing out. That doesn’t mean we beat our wives and kids.

It’s pretty reasonable / common for a person trying to save their relationship in a last ditch effort try to find some source that tells them what their partner is doing is explained by a disorder, that can be treated, and stopped. That’s it’s not reeeeeally as bad as it looks/sounds. That the person they love isn’t an abusive bastard who needs to be left, yesterday. That it’s the disorder. It’s not just THEM.

Abuse? Burning down houses? It’s not the disorder. That’s them. 100% them. Regardless of whether they have PTSD or ADHD, the symptom isn’t wife beating or arson. It’s impulsivity & lashing out. How a person chooses to handle those things? Is them.

 

[Sweetpea76]

Amen.

People want their patner's PTSD to be like devil possession... they're not cheating/lying/beating me of their own free will. It's the PTSD! It's sitting on their head like an alien brain sucker controlling everything they do.

If somebody is out getting into bar fights it's because they like to fight, and that's how they deal with their anger.

 

[Neverthesame]

I have anger issues and ptsd.

I can get as angry about anything as much as I damn well please. I can be angry about stupid trivial chicken shit, or major injustices, whatever I want.

I don't get to call people names, scream at them or threaten them.
I don't get to strangle and slap any woman I'm dating.
I don't get to turn the home children are growing up in, from a place of safety and love, into one that's dangerous and terrifying.
I don't get to ruin someone's childhood, because I want to act like a 130lb toddler.

The other thing I can do.
I can make stupid excuses about my behaviour.
No one around me has to swallow that bullshit and call it caviar.

@Gemz82 You may be a social worker, but that doesn't make him your client. It's not your job to sort his life out for him.

He's just plain abusive, get the hell out of there while you still can. Use any means at your disposal.

I don't have family nearby and I can't tell them all this I feel ashamed

Ashamed of what?
Protecting yourself and your children? That usually means you were raised right. It's never ever shameful to protect your kids and yourself.

The only shameful thing is the way he treats you, but that's all on him.

That emotional blackmail shit he's pulling is f*cking pathetic, it's also not your problem.

If he tries that crap again, call 911. If he's actually serious, that's the best way to help him.
If he isn't serious, watch how fast that bullshit stops when the only people who come to his rescue are wearing uniforms.

 

[shimmerz]

I am going to suggest for the safety of the OP that she find herself a women's centre that has transition counseling so that she can safely leave this situation. It is overwhelming and dangerous. Especially with 3 young kids. He is going to know that the kids can be used to control her and that may well lead to huge safety and escalation issues for the kids. It is clear he is slanted towards controlling.

So please, OP, if there is one that you can get to, look for a women's outreach centre to help to guide you. Make no mistake, you and your children are in a dangerous position right now. Your job is to do whatever you need to in order to keep all 4 of you safe.

 

[Marinna]

I am going to suggest for the safety of the OP that she find herself a women's centre that has transit...

THIS so much. Nail on the head. We have all rushed to tell you to leave. You need to leave, but you and your kids safety is key.

 

[Gs172003]

Honey I've been through the whole "if you don't do this I'll kill myself" bull. I ended up married to a bad man. He promised me he'd get help. He didn't. Don't be me.

 

[Slushie]

I put up with very similar abuse as you OP, I regret staying for such a long time with my ex and I hope that you will get help from a women's shelter and never look back, never go back to him because he won't change.

 

[Gemz82]

I appreciate all your advice everyone and will take it onow board seriously. He has been diagnosed with PTSD and prescribed anti psychotics. He goes psychotherapy weekly and is willing to do an anger management course he said. His therapist wants us to have a joint session this coming week which we'e not done before. He says that when the rage takes over he can't control it and says after that he doesn't remember sometimes what he's said or done but that he never means any of it its the rage not him. He says he is getting help like he promised me that I need to let him show me he can be better that he can change he wants to be a better partner and father . I was thinking of maybe suggesting he moves out temporarily to really sort himself out we don't break up but whilst he is dealing with all these issues that he doesn't live with us to prove that he can change? I'm worried to ask him this tho.