Lillie,
I have wrestled with self blame for trauma and abuse perpetrated against me for a long time. I write this response to your thread as someone who can relate and wants to challenge you, perhaps both of us, to think of this a little differently.
It strikes me that you are equating things that are not equal.
When I was abused, I did nothing to stop it. I told no one, even as an adult. I helped to covered it up for him. To tell me I'm not at fault doesn't help me work through these things- in fact, it's shocking.
Not telling someone about abuse and not stopping the abuse is VERY different than being at fault for the abuse.
If someone steals my car, and I don't run up to them to tell them, please don't steal my car, I don't file a police report, etc... Is the act of stealing my car my fault? No, of course not.
Someone committed a criminal act of abuse against you. Suggesting that their actions are not their own fault, but that you are at fault for their choices... That's attributing an awful lot of power and responsibility to yourself Think about that. If their choice to abuse you is your fault, then you have TREMENDOUS power over others.
And finally, this guy said to me " I look forward to talking to you later because talking through it will help you feel better"
Ummmmm
When I first disclosed my trauma to my first therapist... The world crumbled around me. My symptoms got so much worse. I was falling apart. To tell me that "our relationship is the end all be all fix all" is callous and frankly it's lying.
Did he say"our relationship is the end all be all fix all"? Or did he suggest that talking about trauma would help you feel better? I have run into a therapist or two who thinks they are the savior of mankind. I usually run away from them, FAST. Based on what you have shared here, I don't know if this guy is a crock or not, but saying talking about trauma will help is not the same as saying the relationship will be the end all fix all.
I would suggest having an initial session with a couple of therapists. Then you can compare contrast them, and see which therapist clicks the best for you. I would caution you against finding someone that is always going to agree with you though, or never say anything that feels shocking, but at the same time, it's important to find someone you are willing to risk staying in a relationship with even when they may say things that are shocking. I also suggest finding a therapist who is trained in one or more very specific trauma therapy techniques. EMDR, or Trauma Focused CBT, or etc. Usually it takes more than just talking alone about trauma. At the same time, since this was an initial session, it might be that he simply hasn't had the time to get more in depth into how he plans to help you feel better. Ask them things like "how will talking through it help me feel better?" They should be able to explain how.
I think your reaction to some pretty common statements a generic therapist (rather than a trauma trained one) would typically say, is very much about what happened with your last therapist, and feeling re-traumatized by getting worse after disclosing your symptoms.
Put the blame back where it lies. The abuser. They are responsible for their choice to abuse you. They are the ones that caused and event that has now lead to the development of PTSD. Talking alone about it can be very unsettling and stir up massive symptoms. It makes sense you are resistant to talking alone being proposed as the solution if the past therapist handled it badly and/or they didn't help you have the tools you needed to pace and contain the work of disclosure about trauma. It can really be awful to endure that. This therapist isn't to blame for the past therapist failing you, but perhaps they are seeking to take a similar approach, and it's time to use what is under your power and control, your own choices, and find someone to choose that is a better fit for you.
