Is there really hope?

[Lostinmyworld17]

This is long, I'm so sorry. Hi everyone, I was raped by my grandfather when I was 8 and went on for 2 years before I spoke. Nothing was done about it other than family chaos, some defending the predator and my mom trying too hard for DCF to not take me and my sibbiling's away. Since my situation was never dealt with I put it away in the file cabinet somewhere in the brain dept. I suffered a ton more since, much more but I think this is my main cause of me being this terrible selfish human being I am. I was diagnosed with C-PTSD 5 years ago. Therapy hadn't helped. Obviously I need to try bigger things which I'm willing to do. I have an adult son and a 1 year old. They're my world and the baby keeps me in my toes and alive. I am married to a man that loves me very much and tried hard to be patient with me. My husband comes attached to his 5 year old daughter. My stepdaughter, my main trigger. I love her, but she triggers me in ways that all I want to do is run, run, run. She's very very affectionate, very normal in children especially girls, try telling that to my head. She loves to scream, screams trigger me badly because I screamed with all of my strength in my head when I was being raped. She loves to play wrestling with her dad, they trigger me because again she screams loud and I'm afraid shell cause what I caused.. A predator to rape me. Now, I know that I know that i know that I know that my husband will never hurt her and damage her for the the rest of her life but why can't I make my head understand that? I become highly angered, full of anxiety just by the anticipation of her coming over which is quiet a bit. When I do things with her alone I'm not triggered and we have fun but when my husband is around I see me in her but me as a child. I am so tired of feeling this way. I'm emotionally and mentally exhausted. I feel like I'm a monster for wanting to stay away from her as much as possible when she's home but I know that i would put her life before mine if anything was to happen. Does anyone understand?

 

[anonymous]

fear of vulnerability? i understand.

desperately needing to avoid a trigger even if the avoidance is maladaptive? completely understand.

reacting badly to children who are just being children? ah, christ. yes.

so very sorry that happened to you.
there's hope. adjusting how we think/react is hard but possible.

 

[Lostinmyworld17]

Thank you!!!

 

[Gamergirldelux]

With PTSD we know the awful parts of humans and the world. I have similar triggers. You need to tell yourself where you are in that moment. And that it's okay for her to scream because she is not in danger. Of course that's easier said then done. But grounding is excellent for coming back into the moment. I'm so paranoid that if I ever have kids I will be afraid to take them to public washrooms (I was assaulted and abused in a few public places) but I cannot live my life this way. It is draining and I don't even have children yet. So take a deep breath every once in a while and Pat yourself on the back it's okay to feel these things and to feel scared because we are human and everyone on this website has gone through something horrible that should have never happened. But we move and live through our days whether we do it slow or fast or just simply get out of bed because that's all we can do? Then that's okay. I know what it's like everything you describe is similar to my past. You are not a monster. The only monsters are the ones that do awful things to us. It's okay to want to be away from her. I feel that's a normal response. She will grow out of the screaming stage . Hope this helps a bit. Best wishes and healing .