3chrsfor12yrs
Not Active
This will be long. I apologize if this is all over the place. I'm trying my best to sort all my thoughts out, and understand my personality. I'm a teenager, and this is difficult for me.
When I was fourteen, I was hospitalized for a suicide threat. My dad found my suicide note under my pillow hours before I was going to attempt suicide, and I was admitted into the ER, then an adolescent mental wing outside the hospital. I had made attempts to kill myself before, but I never took enough pills or anything to do anything fatal.
As for a background, I have a history of severe clinical depression, self harm, a dissociation issue, and an eating disorder. I've been on 200 mg of Zoloft for two years. I was never exposed to any trauma before this, but I did closed myself off from my parents and was never a great communicator when I tried to reach out for help. I have a psychiatrist I've discussed this very briefly with, (she said it certainly sounds like a traumatic event) but because of financial issues, I won't be able to see her for a few more months.
And the most important part of this is that I am transgender. I am female to male transgender, and when I was depressed and suicidal and hospitalized, I identified as female. After the hospital, I began to understand my gender identity and transitioned to male.
That was two years ago. I'm sixteen now, and as of a few months ago, thoughts of my suicide have resurfaced. It's difficult for me to describe how empty and hopeless I felt then, when I was making my plans for my suicide. It was dark and awful and I saw no light at the end of the tunnel. I knew, with that suicide plan in my head, that I would die. And I was ready as hell.
There was something about coming so close to death, having so much tunnel vision into the end of my life that when I suddenly couldn't die, wasn't able to die, it came as an incredible, awful shock to me. Now, I don't know if this can constitute as a trauma in my life. I was never in any physical danger to dying, although I was close to it.
About two months ago, I rewatched my past self set up my suicide. I began to dissociate and stare at my bed, where everything took place two years ago, and saw the girl I was put the note under my pillow and the pills in my closet. Everything was so vivid. The girl I was, who I no longer am and want nothing to do with, was back, in my room, setting up her suicide. My suicide. Then a couple weeks ago, I was trying to sleep, when I felt her there. I felt my past self show up and loom over my shoulder. It was dark, and I couldn't see her. But I felt her. She told me that she was going to me like I tried to kill her two years ago. I got a flash of her in my mind. She was sunken and gray and rotting and looked like death. She told me she would watch me die. I was able to snap out of it, when I felt her leave.
Little things like this happened once in a while over the course of several weeks. I felt her show up at school, and she showed up once more at home during the night. At school she told me she would only try to hurt me at night, which freaked me out.
My question is: are you able to tell me if this sounds like a flashback, or am I just overthinking this and imagining all this? Do I just have an overactive imagination? Am I making all this up? I don't know. Thank you so much for taking the time to read and respond. Have a great day.
-Noah
When I was fourteen, I was hospitalized for a suicide threat. My dad found my suicide note under my pillow hours before I was going to attempt suicide, and I was admitted into the ER, then an adolescent mental wing outside the hospital. I had made attempts to kill myself before, but I never took enough pills or anything to do anything fatal.
As for a background, I have a history of severe clinical depression, self harm, a dissociation issue, and an eating disorder. I've been on 200 mg of Zoloft for two years. I was never exposed to any trauma before this, but I did closed myself off from my parents and was never a great communicator when I tried to reach out for help. I have a psychiatrist I've discussed this very briefly with, (she said it certainly sounds like a traumatic event) but because of financial issues, I won't be able to see her for a few more months.
And the most important part of this is that I am transgender. I am female to male transgender, and when I was depressed and suicidal and hospitalized, I identified as female. After the hospital, I began to understand my gender identity and transitioned to male.
That was two years ago. I'm sixteen now, and as of a few months ago, thoughts of my suicide have resurfaced. It's difficult for me to describe how empty and hopeless I felt then, when I was making my plans for my suicide. It was dark and awful and I saw no light at the end of the tunnel. I knew, with that suicide plan in my head, that I would die. And I was ready as hell.
There was something about coming so close to death, having so much tunnel vision into the end of my life that when I suddenly couldn't die, wasn't able to die, it came as an incredible, awful shock to me. Now, I don't know if this can constitute as a trauma in my life. I was never in any physical danger to dying, although I was close to it.
About two months ago, I rewatched my past self set up my suicide. I began to dissociate and stare at my bed, where everything took place two years ago, and saw the girl I was put the note under my pillow and the pills in my closet. Everything was so vivid. The girl I was, who I no longer am and want nothing to do with, was back, in my room, setting up her suicide. My suicide. Then a couple weeks ago, I was trying to sleep, when I felt her there. I felt my past self show up and loom over my shoulder. It was dark, and I couldn't see her. But I felt her. She told me that she was going to me like I tried to kill her two years ago. I got a flash of her in my mind. She was sunken and gray and rotting and looked like death. She told me she would watch me die. I was able to snap out of it, when I felt her leave.
Little things like this happened once in a while over the course of several weeks. I felt her show up at school, and she showed up once more at home during the night. At school she told me she would only try to hurt me at night, which freaked me out.
My question is: are you able to tell me if this sounds like a flashback, or am I just overthinking this and imagining all this? Do I just have an overactive imagination? Am I making all this up? I don't know. Thank you so much for taking the time to read and respond. Have a great day.
-Noah
