Is this a thing?

[Teasel]

I realise compared to how I used to be I react in ways as if other people aren't a part of my life. Like I react very individually - as if I am alone and not part of anyone else's life?

I don't know how to put into words what I mean.

I've been living with my partner who is very self centered and sometimes abusive for a lot of years. It's very rare for him to think of me. And I don't know. Maybe I have become used to living as if I am not a part of anyone's life?

Having difficulty putting this onto words. I hope I might be able to expand on this...
Thanks

 

[Deleted member 29920]

It makes sense, I am not sure what it's called but I realised I struggled after therapy to 'hold the therapist in mind'..the same sort of happens if I don't see someone for a few weeks, it's almost like they don't even exist? It's fine if theytext or we talk on the phone but if there's no communication for a few weeks, it's just like they don't exist..I'm not sure if I've explained that very well..

 

[Teasel]

Thanks @C j I think you've explained yourself well, though I'm not sure it's the same as what I'm trying to say X

Unfortunately I'm not at all sure what I am trying to say :p

Like I don't know, I think if you live with someone, or see someone often, that it might be normal to talk with them about things going on in your life?

But my partner, rarely asks me about anything in my life, like if I go to a gig or to therapy or to see a friend, it would rarely occur to him to ask me how it went.

And living with him so many years I have become accustomed to living with someone who doesn't see my humanity or show much if any interest in me....

Thats gotta affect someone?

It's like I've become used to expecting nothing back from people?

 

[Deleted member 29920]

Oh, yeah that makes sense, it's different..

On one hand, it comes across as he's not interested enough to ask you about yourself...but I guess on the other...some people just aren't in the habit of asking? I have been guilty of that myself in the past with my ex but it was really because I didn't want to come across as nosy, not because I wasn't interested, plus she always told me how her day was anyway without me having to ask. She also always asked me loads of questions..which was good actually because I don't really talk much :/

I can see how upsetting that would be though..it would feel as if they don't care :/

 

[Teasel]

To begin with I would still talk about myself and what's going on for me too.

But after years of him barely acknowledging I've said anything let alone being interested in it, and instead just continuing to talk about himself....

 

[scout86]

What you're talking about sounds pretty normal to me. Maybe even healthy, under the circumstances. You basically ARE alone, you just happen to live in the same house. There's not much reason to feel like you're a part of someone's life when he doesn't treat you like you are, is there?

 

[Teasel]

Yes but I'm talking about this extrapolating to all relationships.

 

[UniqueSunflower]

I realise compared to how I used to be I react in ways as if other people aren't a part of my life. L...

Hi Bearlinda,
How long have you been in this relationship? I was dating someone for about 6 months that was very self absorbed and I also began feeling very insignificant. I didn't realize how much this was affecting me until we had gaps in the time we were spending together to allow me to reflect on it.


Also...this brings me back to an incident in which I had been sitting in his living room and had texted him a few minutes prior to his arrival home. He came in through the garage, literally walked past the area I was sitting, went in his room and texted me from the bedroom stating he'd been out with his daughters and asked me where I was??? I was dumbfounded. I felt like a ghost...

 

[Teasel]

@UniqueSunflower 16 years. I'm sorry you can relate X

 

[Buttercup]

@Bearlinda I was with my ex for 16 years and he was exactly like that. Exactly.

I do feel like I'm not part of anyone's life except for my kid, of course. Because I'm not.

I can't call myself a supporter exactly because the sufferer in my life is not having it at the moment, so let's just say I'm in some kind of something with a sufferer :confused:

So I guess I'm not part of his life either. Hmm...Im seeing a trend here :eek:

Can you give an example or two of how you "react individually?"

 

[barefoot]

I can see how it feels like you’re not in relationship with your partner because it sounds like you’re really not - you just exist in the same house.

A partner is a significant relationship. You have been together for 16 years - a long time. So, I think it makes sense that your experience of this relationship with him has informed the beliefs you hold about yourself/relationships/others and your expectations of others/relationships.

Would you like to react less individually and feel more a part of people’s lives? (Your partner’s and/or other people) Or do you feel ok with this and you’re simply noting this observation/realisation?

 

[Teasel]

@Buttercup What you say has me thinking - I wonder if we get into relationships with people who aren't available for some reason?

Examples of how I react individually ~ hmm for some reason I'm finding it really hard to think clearly about it but I'm sure I'll manage to at some point if not today.

Ok so something's come to mind, but it's from when I was a kid rather than recently. When my Nan would come and stay, she would always notice art and craft type things I used to do, always be proud of things I did and show them off to people. It felt good to have someone notice and be proud of what I did but I do remember thinking it odd, cause Mum n Dad never noticed or praised anything I did. Frequently they wouldn't notice me let alone what I was doing.

So that memory maybe means that whatever I'm talking about is a pattern from childhood not just as a result of bring with my partner.

But I feel sure I used to get on with ppl so much better before this relationship.

I suppose it's normal to have less confidence and withdraw in an abusive relationship.

I can't think clearly. Tis frustrating! Will come back to it.

@barefoot I'd very much like to feel more a part of prople's lives, it's the thing I want most in life I think! I always seem to feel unworthy! Such a nuisance :shy: