Is This A Trigger?

[Deleted member 1860]

Whenever I have sex, which is few and far between, I end up being in pain for the next month (I kid you not.)

I have abdominal pain, leg pain, arm pain and exhaustion. The first few times it happened I went to the doctor because I thought I was sick. Lots of tests later, and nothing was found.

I have sex so infrequently that it took me years to figure out this pattern. Plus, I am ok in the moment. The actual pain doesn't start until days later. It's like a delayed reaction of sorts? Then again, my sexual abuse was the same. Unaffected in the moment, with the effects seen later on.

I don't know what to make of this. Mentally I am to the point where I am ok with sex, but my body seems to disagree. And is this a trigger? I have only been with one guy who has never mentally triggered me while being intimate. I'm sort of using that fact as hope. If the sex is triggering body reactions in me, I think I'm going to fall apart. It's like I was holding on to that as hope that I'll be ok. Now I'm not so sure.

I was a jerk and told him what happens to me. He knew that he was the only guy who never triggered me in the moment. It's this delayed reaction that's throwing me for a loop. And I think I've lost him. Blah. Not that we were committed, but its complicated. He's an abuse survivor as well and used to black out during sex with previous partners. He knew it meant a LOT to me that he didn't trigger me.

Side note... I experience other delayed reactions. One time I tried to process my trauma but the dissociation/de-realization didn't set in for 2 days.

Help?!

 

[PerfectlyFlawed]

Trauma is stored in the body. Even though, our minds think we are ready, our bodies are still experiencing the trauma.

Our bodies remember. That is the only good way to put it.

the way I deal with it, is exposure therapy. One time I will try showing small amounts of affection.
I also take muscle relaxer any time I engage in any sexual activity so I can 'retrain' my body.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Thanks for your response. I'm very overwhelmed right now. I don't want to sound like woe is me, but I'm feeling very damaged.

 

[BewitchedBewildered]

I have nothing of real value to contribute, but wanted you to know that I care. I can feel your pain. I am always here if you just need someone to talk to.

I do understand feeling damaged. And, you were not "a jerk". Trying to be understood, trying to share is healthy. In my opinion.

I can tell you that after having read many of your post you have a very kind and giving soul. I truly hope things get easier for you.

 

[PerfectlyFlawed]

Yes, I can also related to feeling 'damaged'

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I'm not sure if you've read my other posts about kicking my mom out of my life. But, this just strengthens my resolve. Why? Growing up she would tell me that guys only wanted one thing from me...sex. I think it was her way of ensuring she didn't end up with a pregnant teenage daughter.

I know it's not just what she said, but even if I wasn't abused, I see telling an impressionable young girl that guys will only use her for sex as verbally/emotionally abusive. Ugh.

I think I'm now more angry than ashamed. The shame is still there, but I can work through it. I just hate how my moms words have affected me for so long.

I just don't know how to tell my guy friend what's going on. I just hope he doesn't think I'm a big liar. I mean he was the first partner I've had who hasn't triggered me in the moment....and this is with anyone I've done anything more than just kiss. So yes, this means a lot. I mean he means a lot. But, at the same time I'm not ready to face him.

 

[HëllaBubz]

Our bodies remember.

Look up Babette Rothschild. She is a trauma counselor who wrote several books that my T highly recommends. One of which is a title almost identical to what PerfectlyFlawed wrote.

I hope it helps you.....I've been having trouble processing material I read that is data intensive, so I can't vouch for her personally, but I have looked at all of the reviews for her, and they are overwhelmingly positive.

 

[PerfectlyFlawed]

My mother used to tell me the same thing. She used to give me the line about the cow and free milk. Then I had the church telling me to not tempt men with my body. And anything outside of marriage means I am a whore.

It does not matter what we wear. Rapists rape.

 

[HëllaBubz]

Then I had the church telling me to not tempt men with my body.

Women are only constricted and restricted by the church because if the damn bastards can't help themselves, it's OUR fault!

No matter what, every person on this planet has a right to have their body their own, and none other to infringe or impede upon that.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

It just sucks that my worst nightmare is coming true. I always thought that if I got better that I would be able to have a relationship. I now know that's not possible because my body won't let me. I know sex is important to guys and I just can't have sex anymore. No guy wants a sexless relationship from the beginning.

At least my doctor refilled my anxiety meds so I can just numb out the pain.

 

[piratelady]

I used to have similar issues with painful sex. I am in a relationship now and am finally able to relax and enjoy it. The difference I noticed between this relationship and the past is that the relationship started without a focus on sex. He didn't try and neither did I. We got to know each other better and then over time took that next step.

The first time it was a disaster. Now it is better. I don't get anxious, I don't worry and the subsequent pain doesn't happen. Maybe it's more a matter of developing an emotional connection with and taking it slowly. Don't let sex be the focus in the beginning, take it completely off the table.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Thanks pirate lady. I think I'm going to end things with my friend. I know he won't take a sudden change well and it's best if we both move in to find someone more compatible. He told me that he loves me and I love him, but I don't think that's enough. I suggested being friends , just friends from now on and he blew up at me, saying I'd change my mind by tomorrow. I won't. The pain is too great and he's a guy who just wants what he wants without care for my well being. Who knows? Maybe he's already gone. I haven't heard from him in 4 days now.