Relationship Is This All Expected Behavior???

[Niki0872]

Hi everyone,

I've been with my boyfriend for 10 months, he's ex-military with several deployments in Afghanistan. Early on he did mention that he suffers from PTSD but honestly I have no experience with this and didn't know what kind of things to look for.

During our relationship things will be great then he will get different, I don't want to say weird, he will become distant or slow things down....example, he will be very affectionate and cute on the phone, in person and text messages, then all of a sudden very distant where I feel like he doesn't even want to talk anymore. Then after some time, days even he will be back to what I'll call his normal self. It seemed like for a long time that the longer we were together the more he distant he became, not wanting anything serious, that he'd been thru things and it was difficult for him that this was the best he could offer. Lately, things have been different, he said doors that were closed are now starting to open, I took that as a good sign.

He's way more comfortable staying in than going out in public, he said during our first conversation that he is not comfortable in large crowds, when we do go out he is very targeted, meaning here's the front door we have to go straight to the door as quickly as possible, then once inside it's like I can literally see him physically relax. Last night during a movie there was a scene showing combat and there was this change in him, he got very quiet where a minute before we were laughing and joking, I tried suggesting a change in the movie but he didn't change it. Here's where I need guidance...I asked him during the scene is that was the kind of stuff he's seen and he said yes and went on to briefly say he's had more of those missions than he cared to think about (can't remember what exactly he called them) anyway I didn't push him I just said I'm here if you every want to talk about things. For the rest of the night and now two days he's been different again, distant. Is this normal?

Thanks.

 

[Casey_03]

Yes, this is all very normal for PTSD, but it sounds like you are handling it well and not being pushy -- which is key to making it work. But yes, there is often a pattern where the person with PTSD pulls away or grows distant after opening up in some way about the trauma (which is what he did at the movie). The good news is it sounds like he has been open and honest with you, which is always a good sign.

 

[Deleted member 20280]

Being a combat Veteran myself I would like to offer some help in your situation. In a word in answer to your main question. Yes, unfortunately this is very common behaviour especially for him having been in several deployment situations.

Being outside in the open air will make him feel vulnerable and he will have a heightened sense of dread and impending doom as he would have had in combat. When inside he will naturally calm down because he can see the four walls that protect him he will be suffering a huge sense of hyper vigilance whenever his back is exposed.

Be patient with him please. Tell him that you have no idea what he has been through butt that you want to understand his situation better. Don't push this upon him but simply Lett him know that if he wants to talk that he knows where you are. You also however need to remember that ere are 2 of you in this relationship and that you also matter as much in all this as much as he does.

He will take time to adjust to living back in civilian life and sometimes at can take a long time.

Mr Laurie

 

[Sweetpea76]

Yep... Seems to describe a reaction to stress.

 

[Niki0872]

Thank you all for responding, I'm just now beginning to put pieces together that some things I was thinking were him wanting out are actually the opposite. I try not to push and it seems to be helping a lot, I honestly didn't understand when we first got together and pushed him for more and it almost ended us completely, he got very cold and we separated, we talked after a few days and really got some things out. He's worth working on this, don't want to push him to get things out but I also don't want to appear as not caring. Hopefully just telling him I can never say I understand but that I am here for him and he can always talk about it is enough.

Can I ask...about the being distant...do I mention it to him or just let it go and wait for him to bounce back?

 

[Niki0872]

@Mr Laurie - you 100% described what it was like being outside with him, thank you for your insight.

 

[Sweetpea76]

I would leave it be... Unless it's a deal breaker for you. Pointing out that he is upsetting you with his behavior may stress him more.

Nows the time to brush up on PTSD for yourself. Joining this forum is a good start. Check out the video series pinned at the top of the supporter relationship section for a good start. Then these links;

https://www.myptsd.com/threads/stressor-vs-trigger-what-is-a-trigger.9903/

https://www.myptsd.com/threads/the-ptsd-cup-explanation.13737/

If you're a book reader, there are some great ones out there for supporters. These two are the best in my opinion.

Dead Link Removed

Dead Link Removed

I'm a researcher by nature. I find it very comforting when I'm confused.

 

[Deleted member 20280]

@Niki0872 like I posted above, the distant him will be the internal reaction to him needing to reevaluate himself and everything around him. He will need times if isolation and distance from others because of him having lost comrades in battle. Every soldier will need to be distant from people they are close to in stressful situations, even after the battle is over.

Imagine being with people for weeks even months at a time just to in an instant watch them die as he will have done.

He did not want to lose any comrade and simply does not want to lose you in the same respect. He will subconsciously be thinking that it is better to distance himself and not get too close because it will make it easier on him if he ever lost you.

 

[Sighs]

I wouldn't mention it to him. As @Mr Laurie said, he needs to do it. Its more a matter of you deciding whether its a deal breaker for you.

Hugs if you accept them.

 

[Niki0872]

Thanks, I'm not going to mention it, everyone here has been great thanks for the advice and information. im glad I found this resource.

 

[Niki0872]

I wanted to follow up with those who helped me before. Things are going really well right now. We had a rough patch where I felt it was time to leave the relationship. It was probably the best thing to have happened, we had probably our first "real" talk in almost a year of being together. I explained that I didn't want to leave that I know he's worth working on things but if he can't open up to me to give me something to understand where his head and heart are that he's tying my hands. He finally opened up, not with everything but with enough about things he seen and been thru not only with his service but also with relationships while he was serving and their subsequent demise when he returned. Since that talk we did have another deep conversation and things have been better than they ever were. I'm worried there will be that backlash where he'll pull away again but at least now I have a much better idea of what's he's dealing with and how he feels. Thank you everyone.