dimplesg520
Bronze Member
My boyfriend of 3 years got back from his fourth combat tour in July of 2013. Since then things have been extremely rocky as he was diagnosed with severe depression, anxiety, and PTSD. He has been mildly physically abuse and quite mentally and verbally abusive. He has had flashbacks to the point where I've been chased with a knife and he's tried to crash the car with me driving because he thinks I'm a terrorist. I frequently get things thrown at me or just thrown in general and he overreacts at the slightest thing. He was arrested in January for drunk driving, possession of an open container, and speeding 70 miles over the limit. He has spent four separate weeks in VA hospitals, a month in an inpatient treatment facility after his arrest, another month in an inpatient facility after threatening an MP, and just completed an inpatient program from July 1-October 1 which included daily AA meetings and anger management. While he wasn't at inpatient programs, he was going to an 8-hour per day outpatient program five days a week.
Each time he goes to therapy, he changes into a different person. He recognizes his detrimental behaviors and how bad they are. He sees how badly he treats me. He sees how his actions are wrong. He apologizes over and over and vows to never do them again. Our relationship begins to rebuild because the communication is rebuilt and I feel like I can trust him again and feel safe with him again. It's not immediate, but he genuinely seems to understand his wrongs and want to correct them, and as that develops, I slowly begin to trust him again and even look forward to talking to him again. It seems as though there is a light at the end of the tunnel and we can start over. But.... As soon as he gets out, I'm talking literally the day after, he changes back to the person he was before. He is rude, speaks to me disrespectfully, is manipulative and abusive, doesn't take care of the things that need to be done, skips his appointments because he doesn't "feel like" going, says he isn't really an alcoholic, says he doesn't even need therapy because nothing he does is wrong.
He is very untrustworthy with money and often spends hundreds of dollars at a time on hobby items, leaving us unable to pay our bills. I don't feel comfortable leaving him alone with our two dogs anymore as he frequently lets them off leash (they have never been trained to be off leash) in high danger situations (ie near a highway, at a place with lots of deer where the chance for them to run off is high, etc.). He talks to women behind my back, and when I confront him about it, he says he isn't doing anything wrong. But then when he shows me his text messages, there are only conversations from men. Although I know that he is texting these women more than he is texting me (it shows up on our phone bill). I don't mind if he has girl friends, and he has in the past that I haven't had problems with -- because he has said that hey, so-and-so from therapy is my friend, and brings her up in conversations regularly. In my mind, if you have to hide it and don't tell me about it, there's a reason and it's usually because something isn't right.
He will tell me something one day and the next day when I bring it up, he will say that he never said it. Extremely adamantly say he never said it... Call me a liar, say I'm making things up to make him look bad. Hours later, he will call and tell me how much he loves me and misses me. (He lives at the Army post 3 hours away right now.). Then the next time he will tell me something and if I'm not as excited as he thinks I should be, he gets pissed and says I'm a bad girlfriend, that I am selfish and only want to talk about my interests. I never know who I am getting when I text or call him -- nice boyfriend who is happy and wants things to work.... Or rude, mean boyfriend who tells me everything I do wrong. He stops texting for hours and hours at a time, and then gives vague answers as to where he was or what he was doing when I do hear from him. Getting him to take care of anything is like pulling teeth, because he always "forgets" to go to finance or call to cancel an appointment or something. I realize that some of that I shouldn't let bother me and I have stopped but other things, like the financial matters, directly affect me. I have to hold his hand and remind him over and over to do everything.... And even then, there is always an excuse as to why he didn't do it. I thought at first it was just his memory issues from his TBI, but I think this goes past that.
Last weekend he was home and I watched him put something away. I asked why he put it there a few minutes later and right to my face, he insisted he didn't do it. To the point where he was scary mad, refusing that he put the object away or even touched it. It's a very strange occasion, almost like out of body, because it makes you question what you saw as well, and it happens a lot. He has been in Special Forces his entire career and prides himself on being such a good liar -- and will gladly tell you so -- and more and more I question what, if anything, he is telling me is true. I am constantly suspicious because he has repeatedly lied to me throughout our relationship and despite his promises every therapy trip to stop lying (lying about talking to other women was one).. He still does it. When I catch him in a lie, he tries to back out of it by saying that he was referring to something else. When I remind him that no, we were talking about subject A, he then turns it around on me and says I wasn't clear enough or some other excuse. Even if I re-ask my question in a more clear way, he will usually just stop answering or say that he doesn't know to end the conversation. He will also deny saying something even if there is proof (ie a text) that he said it not seconds before. But he will say that I misinterpreted what he was saying and somehow, every single time... It gets pinned back around on me. Even when things he says blatantly don't make sense -- he called me at midnight one night after not hearing from him since 6 pm; I asked why he was calling and he said he couldn't sleep. I asked what he was doing before and he said sleeping. Uhh what?! -- he manages to turn it around to be about me and skate away with no blame. The rare occasions he is saddled with any sort if blame, he gets furiously angry, throws things, the whole shebang.
I have no idea how (actually I do-- I'm sure it's because he knows how to put on a face when he needs to), but he has somehow convinced his command that this last trip to therapy "cured" him and even though he is in the Warrior Transition Unit, he only has to go to therapy three days a week for a few hours and only to two AA meetings per week (which he frequently skips by saying he has a headache). He isn't allowed to drive on post because of his arrest so besides those things he literally sits in his barracks room all day and sleeps or watches TV. I have suggested taking advantage of activities or going out with friends but he doesn't want to.
Am I naive for thinking things could improve from this point? Be honest, I don't mind the harsh comments. At first I was sympathetic because I have had severe depression in my life and I understand how it feels to not want to get out of bed in the morning, let alone do all this Army stuff. Each time he came out of therapy, despite the little voice in my head telling me otherwise, I gave him the benefit of the doubt, hoping and thinking this time would be different... That this time things would stick and we could continue the progress we started to make in our relationship. When I try to talk to him about it and how it upsets me that things suddenly are so different outside of therapy, he doesn't even remember the things he told me while he was in therapy, so it's hard to even have the conversation when he has no idea what I'm referring to.
He is getting help (sort of), and he has gone to so much intensive therapy in the past. He has been so lucky, I know, because a lot of people don't even get the chance at one program let alone three. But... Nothing is changing. In fact, things seem to be getting worse. At least before we could talk about what was going on and he saw what he was doing and made an attempt to fix it. Now he doesn't even see it. I haven't left before because I do love and care about him, but I also realize that there is a point at which loving and caring isn't necessarily enough anymore and it may be time to cut my losses, accept that I tried as hard as I could, and move on.
So... is this as good as it's gonna get? It would seem to me that after almost a year of continual in and extensive outpatient therapy, if little to no progress has been made.... There's not much hope for any progress to be made. Is that realistic? Or just a negative way of looking at it? Is there anything else I could do to try to fix things? Any and all thoughts, suggestions, or comments are appreciated please!
Each time he goes to therapy, he changes into a different person. He recognizes his detrimental behaviors and how bad they are. He sees how badly he treats me. He sees how his actions are wrong. He apologizes over and over and vows to never do them again. Our relationship begins to rebuild because the communication is rebuilt and I feel like I can trust him again and feel safe with him again. It's not immediate, but he genuinely seems to understand his wrongs and want to correct them, and as that develops, I slowly begin to trust him again and even look forward to talking to him again. It seems as though there is a light at the end of the tunnel and we can start over. But.... As soon as he gets out, I'm talking literally the day after, he changes back to the person he was before. He is rude, speaks to me disrespectfully, is manipulative and abusive, doesn't take care of the things that need to be done, skips his appointments because he doesn't "feel like" going, says he isn't really an alcoholic, says he doesn't even need therapy because nothing he does is wrong.
He is very untrustworthy with money and often spends hundreds of dollars at a time on hobby items, leaving us unable to pay our bills. I don't feel comfortable leaving him alone with our two dogs anymore as he frequently lets them off leash (they have never been trained to be off leash) in high danger situations (ie near a highway, at a place with lots of deer where the chance for them to run off is high, etc.). He talks to women behind my back, and when I confront him about it, he says he isn't doing anything wrong. But then when he shows me his text messages, there are only conversations from men. Although I know that he is texting these women more than he is texting me (it shows up on our phone bill). I don't mind if he has girl friends, and he has in the past that I haven't had problems with -- because he has said that hey, so-and-so from therapy is my friend, and brings her up in conversations regularly. In my mind, if you have to hide it and don't tell me about it, there's a reason and it's usually because something isn't right.
He will tell me something one day and the next day when I bring it up, he will say that he never said it. Extremely adamantly say he never said it... Call me a liar, say I'm making things up to make him look bad. Hours later, he will call and tell me how much he loves me and misses me. (He lives at the Army post 3 hours away right now.). Then the next time he will tell me something and if I'm not as excited as he thinks I should be, he gets pissed and says I'm a bad girlfriend, that I am selfish and only want to talk about my interests. I never know who I am getting when I text or call him -- nice boyfriend who is happy and wants things to work.... Or rude, mean boyfriend who tells me everything I do wrong. He stops texting for hours and hours at a time, and then gives vague answers as to where he was or what he was doing when I do hear from him. Getting him to take care of anything is like pulling teeth, because he always "forgets" to go to finance or call to cancel an appointment or something. I realize that some of that I shouldn't let bother me and I have stopped but other things, like the financial matters, directly affect me. I have to hold his hand and remind him over and over to do everything.... And even then, there is always an excuse as to why he didn't do it. I thought at first it was just his memory issues from his TBI, but I think this goes past that.
Last weekend he was home and I watched him put something away. I asked why he put it there a few minutes later and right to my face, he insisted he didn't do it. To the point where he was scary mad, refusing that he put the object away or even touched it. It's a very strange occasion, almost like out of body, because it makes you question what you saw as well, and it happens a lot. He has been in Special Forces his entire career and prides himself on being such a good liar -- and will gladly tell you so -- and more and more I question what, if anything, he is telling me is true. I am constantly suspicious because he has repeatedly lied to me throughout our relationship and despite his promises every therapy trip to stop lying (lying about talking to other women was one).. He still does it. When I catch him in a lie, he tries to back out of it by saying that he was referring to something else. When I remind him that no, we were talking about subject A, he then turns it around on me and says I wasn't clear enough or some other excuse. Even if I re-ask my question in a more clear way, he will usually just stop answering or say that he doesn't know to end the conversation. He will also deny saying something even if there is proof (ie a text) that he said it not seconds before. But he will say that I misinterpreted what he was saying and somehow, every single time... It gets pinned back around on me. Even when things he says blatantly don't make sense -- he called me at midnight one night after not hearing from him since 6 pm; I asked why he was calling and he said he couldn't sleep. I asked what he was doing before and he said sleeping. Uhh what?! -- he manages to turn it around to be about me and skate away with no blame. The rare occasions he is saddled with any sort if blame, he gets furiously angry, throws things, the whole shebang.
I have no idea how (actually I do-- I'm sure it's because he knows how to put on a face when he needs to), but he has somehow convinced his command that this last trip to therapy "cured" him and even though he is in the Warrior Transition Unit, he only has to go to therapy three days a week for a few hours and only to two AA meetings per week (which he frequently skips by saying he has a headache). He isn't allowed to drive on post because of his arrest so besides those things he literally sits in his barracks room all day and sleeps or watches TV. I have suggested taking advantage of activities or going out with friends but he doesn't want to.
Am I naive for thinking things could improve from this point? Be honest, I don't mind the harsh comments. At first I was sympathetic because I have had severe depression in my life and I understand how it feels to not want to get out of bed in the morning, let alone do all this Army stuff. Each time he came out of therapy, despite the little voice in my head telling me otherwise, I gave him the benefit of the doubt, hoping and thinking this time would be different... That this time things would stick and we could continue the progress we started to make in our relationship. When I try to talk to him about it and how it upsets me that things suddenly are so different outside of therapy, he doesn't even remember the things he told me while he was in therapy, so it's hard to even have the conversation when he has no idea what I'm referring to.
He is getting help (sort of), and he has gone to so much intensive therapy in the past. He has been so lucky, I know, because a lot of people don't even get the chance at one program let alone three. But... Nothing is changing. In fact, things seem to be getting worse. At least before we could talk about what was going on and he saw what he was doing and made an attempt to fix it. Now he doesn't even see it. I haven't left before because I do love and care about him, but I also realize that there is a point at which loving and caring isn't necessarily enough anymore and it may be time to cut my losses, accept that I tried as hard as I could, and move on.
So... is this as good as it's gonna get? It would seem to me that after almost a year of continual in and extensive outpatient therapy, if little to no progress has been made.... There's not much hope for any progress to be made. Is that realistic? Or just a negative way of looking at it? Is there anything else I could do to try to fix things? Any and all thoughts, suggestions, or comments are appreciated please!
