Is This Bad?

[LittleMrsAntisocial]

is it bad that most of the time I just shut everything off. I've been sick with food poisoning and still have pains from it. But since I got it, it has been difficult for me to regulate my emotions, I feel out of control again. And because it's difficult for me to regulate them, I have just shut them off so I don't have to deal. I hate having emotions. When I was in middle school I had a school psychologist tell me to box up my emotions and close the box every time they come out, I'm not sure she meant that but that's how my brain interpreted it and now I can't feel much of anything:(. Did the food poisoning trigger something or is it just the week of St. Patrick's Day? (I was hospitalized St. Patrick's Day 2008, for my first time in the mental hospital). I know this week is a trigger for me. But I can't help but just blame everything else. This post sounds incoherent to me, let me know if you understand my jumbled mind.

 

[ladee]

Makes sense to me. I rarely get sick. But when I do, I have noticed that I get irritable, can't focus, everything is louder than normal and already sounds make me nuts... I don't know if so much energy is always spent on staying in the here and now, and some days it's just keeping sane, that being sick takes what little energy I have. I have noticed when I was younger and got bronchitis a lot, I had a sense of powerlessness... in reality that wasn't true, but being sick physically does all sorts of thing to my emotions... have no answers, but I do understand what you are saying as the same thing happens to me.... hope you feel better soon.... :hug:'s

 

[LittleMrsAntisocial]

Thank you @ladee! It's nice to know others understand. I feel kinda lost and like I'm not worth much.

 

[ladee]

A hard thing to do when our minds are busy telling us how worthless we are. But we can learn grounding. We can post a thread and get feedback reminding none of it lasts forever. It just feels that way... Our thinking takes us to places that are not always true.. so peer support is very necessary for me.
You are not worthLESS.... you are still reaching out, you are seeking answers , experience and validation.... our journey is a hard one, but we persevere, we take time off, we come back and try again....
I have been at this for a long time... so I know it gets better. I get better... I am happy you are here... as I am sure others are too....
Read others stories, read some of the threads that sound like they may apply to you in some way. You may find answers there. I do... I will be reading along, and boom, there is something I have been experiencing, and some one has already accomplished a good outcome... so I learn another way to do things....
I hope you have a Therapist , we can not do this work alone.... and thank goodness for the forums... always someone here to listen, to help, to make suggestions.... you are very worth it ..... just don't give up on yourself, even on the worst days..... that's what we are here for...

 

[Panda Bear]

This last year, my body was a fricking train wreck! I had kidney stones, stomach virus, and a few cold viruses as well as an asthma flair. All within a few months of each other. I was an emotional basket case because it was a season of trauma for me, and I was sick!

My body hates being sick! It makes me cry constantly and really struggles to relax and cope, as of my fight/flight mode is on high alert.

 

[LittleMrsAntisocial]

I feel like no matter what comes my way I'm just going to shut it out. It's just hard to think about the fact that I had made plans to kill myself and a suicide note. I'm just really saddened by those actions. And I really just hate St. Patrick's Week :(

 

[ladee]

Well I , for one, would rather you feel saddened and still be here. Thank you for not following thru. You have things to do in the world... but you have to be here to do them. sending you lots of:hug::hug:

 

[Gadgie]

Quote......."It's just hard to think about the fact that I had made plans to kill myself and a suicide note."

I know how that must have felt, I was there myself a few months ago, and looking back on it now I'm so glad I came through that dark time, and managed to move on.

I still get depressed at times, but I also have good days which I make a big effort to enjoy, and it's worth it!

 

[Friday]

"...there is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so."
- Hamlet Act II Scene ii 250/51

Compartmentalizing? Works. And works well. Until it doesn't.

Disassociation? Saves hearts, minds, & lives... Until it's no longer needed. Then it disrupts them.

Is it good or bad that you've shut your emotions off this week? I don't know. It could be life saving, best of all possible options, if you'd otherwise be in suicidal despair, or out of your mind with rage, grief, or anything else destructive beyond your current ability to control it. Or it could be a terrible thing, if otherwise... ? Or it could be just a frustrating thing, if otherwise...? Or it could be... :) See my point? Disassociation is a tool our brains use. A tool can be life saving. A tool can be useful. A tool can be highly dangerous. All depends.

 

[Changing4Best]

I've been in the hospital so many times this season that I have lost count. I was in the mental hospital once too, but not because of my own mind, but because of a super mania caused by Prednisone. This med should not be given to Bipolar folks, of which I am one. Little did I know!

Anyway, several of the times I have been in the H. I have ended up there because of Doctor's mistakes! This makes me not trust them anymore. They should have known better, gone through my records more deeply, etc. (Or studied their research more diligently).

I have kind of fallen into a feeling of despair about the medical community. I wish I could just never go to a Doctor ever again and stop taking all my meds, but I know that this is far from possible, since I am on meds for both physical and mental conditions.

Despair is a kind of lack of emotion, sort of. I am not angry, not griefstricken, nor am I happy or sad really. I am distrustful of Doctors, but in despair about having to continue to depend upon them.