Is this called ptsd?

[Rainey]

Hi folks,
I am a newbie. The condensed version is my youngest brother sexually & physically assaulted me from about 7. Told Mom and she did nothing. This allowed the abuse to continue. I hate my brother and I will never give him the satisfaction of forgiveness. He is NOT sorry. He is sorry he got outed. I am now almost 50, and this haunt is still making my life hell since I was stupid enough to agree to being my Mother’s caregiver. I struggle now with my anger towards my mother because she has NEVER stood up for me, even now. Am I the biggest idiot in the world or what? I plan to start a jounal because God Knows I have enough material for my own novel.
I have been diagnosed with severe depression, anxiety, (small wonder) but never considered PTSD since I am still living in hell, a different kind of hell but he is still in it. I am not a nasty person but I swear I wish I could erase him from my life, permanently!

 

[Daph]

Sorry I may not be the best to answer not being a proper professional to do so. Besides saying what you experienced can yes be a cause of PTSD and looking up symptoms, I hope the following might help guide you.

Do you see a T currently? Because they would be the best to answer this by conducting a CAPS (clinical assessment ptsd scale). It didn’t take too long- mine was done in like 15-20 minutes.

There are also more in-depth assessments like a DAPS (detail assessment).

Another thing too, I understand the anger towards your mom is difficult and mostly related to feelings of the abuse. But there is also thing called caregiver burnout that may intensify your anger. There is nothing wrong in asking/ getting help with the responsibility from health professionals to help you have breaks to heal and both of you get the care that is needed.
A lot avoid doing so as it makes them feel guilty or maybe because it can be expensive depending on your country’s health system, but if possible it helps keep the relationship that is there somewhat healthier.

Oh sorry :oops: I forgot to say: Welcome to the forum!!!

Oh and in googling symptoms/criteria, ptsd dsm5 list out sort of the ptsd criteria that therapists may look for/ use. But the CAPS and DAPS take in that criteria from what I understand.

 

[Rainey]

Thanks Daph,
I understand that caregiver burnout can intensify things but I would be POed even if she still lived on her own that she would allow the constant and continued assualt and do nothing to stop or correct him. I am stuck being the caregiver because she is not wealthy, and where we live, outside help is 30 an hour with a 3 hour minimum.That is just for a cargiver, not a CNA. Facilities are anywhere from 7 to 10K a month. The whole reason I am her caregiver is she would have been broke if she had been put in a facility by now and none of us kids are wealthy to be of financial assistance. So, I do what I have to now for financial reasons. I just wish I had walked away from the beginning and let it fall on my other brother (not the abuser) shoulders. But, she wanted her daughter and I was too stupid to imagine the nightmare I was entering into. I do not believe in Therapists. Been to many throughout the course of my life and I realized one very important thing. Unless you have LIVED through a similar experience, you have no clue how to tell that person what they should do about how they feel. It’s like me counseling someone who lost their child to cancer. I have no idea what that would feel like and could not speak to them from the heart. I have been told all kinds of unrealistic ways in which to deal with my anger towards my abuser, nothing ever worked.
The best thing I have ever read on it was a website called Emerging from Broken. She nailed it. It is just something that doesn’t go away after 41 years. I have to work on it constantly and when he rears his ugly head time after time it sets me back again.
I am unfortunately stuck in a situation that I cannot just walk away from now.

 

[Daph]

I have been to a lot of therapists, and it took me a long time to find someone that worked for me. And she hasn't lived through what I have. But I kind had that thought first- no one knows expect sufferers. And even then, it was up to me in her therapy to decide what I wanted to try - no pressure. But now we are not doing CPT anymore, we are doing ART (accelerated resolution therapy) where there is no homework/ I don't have to share out loud the gritty details like EmDR and I leave refreshed.

Besides my personnel life and what I had to see/deal with professionally that put me here, I don't know if I could be a therapist because it would trigger me so much. Even on the forum I have to be careful, but I always know I can back out reading and when to stop. Versus being in a physical support group where it would not be so easy to sneak away.
So I really do hope you find some relief in the forum with people who can relate to you and share what has helped them!

 

[Rainey]

I appreciate it Daph! Glad you managed to find a therapist that works for you, I can’t even imagine how much $$$ was wasted on this during my life! I never found a “good one.” Telling me to create boundaries when I was living under the same roof with him, telling me I have a toxic family and need to divorce them all and not look back, again, I was in no position to do such a thing, just ridiculousness. He has a mental disorder, you cannot reason with, beg, plead, cry, nothing gets through to him. He is a master manipulator, he recreates his own version of what happened so he can live with himself. Now, he has found God and he has absolved himself and is making me the sinner for refusing to forgive him. He wants forgiveness so he can have a “free pass” to continue his path of taking from everyone that he was used to. He is kind of a sociopath/psychopath, best way I can describe him besides being a cancerous tumor that infects everything he touches. When Mom passes, I will divorce my family as it will be a realistic option then! I will dissapear never to be seen or heard from again. I think that is when the real healing will take place, knowing he can’t find me or keep tearing the scab off the wound ever again.

 

[Daph]

I appreciate it Daph! Glad you managed to find a therapist that works for you, I can’t even imagine ho...

I don't know it this crosses a line or how this will make you feel. But you said he has recreates the version....is then his version made it that he did nothing wrong, thus he hasn't actually been repentant of his actions?

Because my family and I was raised very religiously... and I won't go quoting scriptures at the moment to support what I am about to say because I am already concerned I am hitting a hard spot as it is....

But for a person to receive forgiveness from God (if he is on that path) it involves: acknowledging his sin, recognizing it is an offence to God, confess it unqualifiedly (meaning not modified and completely), must have deep heartfelt sorrow for the wrong, determined to turn from such a course or practice, and must do what he can to right the wrong or damage.
There is sort of the Christian requirement is to forgive regardless the number of times, but they are not required to forgive those who practice malicious sin, willful sin with no real repentance.

Of course, I also believe where there is something as serious like this that breaks laws, it needs to be handled by the authorities outside of any church first.

From what you implied, he has manipulated the story and his "free pass" is being hindered by him first and foremost. He can't just ask for forgiveness...it doesn't even just work that way in alcohol anonymous.

He sounds like a self righteous dumb butt is what I meant to get at in the last message.

 

[Rainey]

No, I am not thinking you are crossing a line. What I mean is, the first time he approached me on the subject (after the time I confronted him and he told me I “wanted it’ ) he chose Christmas when I lost my voice to have this conversation) he got me off to the side, said what he needed to say and when I attempted to say how “I” felt and how it affected me, he shushed me and said, “We just need to stop hating each other” and WALKED OFF!!!! He did not want to hear what I had to say, even if I could only whisper. He NEVER said, I am so so sorry and am willing to do whatever it takes to fix this if that is possible. No he did not. That is when I realized his so called apology was just for him to feel better.
Over all these years, he has re-created it by telling Mom he only did it a couple times, that he asked my forgiveness over and over, blaming his actions on everything on the planet other than “owning it.” Sorry but, no, that does not qualify as a true apology to me, then, attacking me by saying God will not allow me into Heaven unless I forgive him. To me, that was the lowest of the low.

 

[Daph]

He sounds like a self righteous dumb butt is what I meant to get at in the last message.

In fact, I remember way back someone high up was told he needed to apologize to some people do to something he did publically (didn't break laws) hence, I was not required to address it with him first without giving details. His apology wasnt "sorry I should not have done that" to be peaceable. It was, " sorry something like that offends you (like I a man sensitive)" then he pointed more blame, "you need to learn biblically the proper way to address problems and I cannot tell you how disappointed that you are not mature enough spiritually by now to know you should have talk to me FIRST!"
:) Let's just say I addressed this carefully and it did NOT fair well for him....

 

[Rainey]

Tell me!

 

[Daph]

No, I am not thinking you are crossing a line. What I mean is, the first time he approached me on the su...

Yeah...so he hasn't even technically done the first step of acknowledging the sin....
I am so sorry you had to live through this and still have him rub salt in the wound afterwards!
I think it is fair somewhat, but would emotionally difficult, to politely question what his church says and then what he thinks is required for forgiveness from god and you. I think he would find himself stuck in a lie/ misinformation...

 

[Rainey]

Oh, one of his excuses actually was, “ I don’t know how God could have allowed me to do such a thing!” Can you wrap your head around that madness?

He claims to have gone to the priest at his church ( I have no idea which one he goes to ) and he went to confession and the priest forgave him on my behalf. Wasn’t that nice of him???? I wonder what version of the story he told the priest!

 

[Daph]

Man...with all his personal theories you need to ask for scriptural support with him. I feel like let me at him and let me use what he uses as protection as a weapon against him!
You know who first blamed god for his sin, Adam. Eve was deceived by the serpent, Adam knew what he did wrong and that he would be punished. Yet, he tried to blame god of a mistake of giving him a bad wife.
Your brother continues to displays outright ignorance is something he using to protect him or support him- I find it is hilarious he hasn't not done any research on his own before speaking. I don't think he knows what he believes.
Different version Proverbs 19:3 "it is mans own way that distorts his foolishness" "The foolishness of man subverteth his way". king James- "The foolishness of man perverteth his way: and his heart fretteth against the LORD."

But I a man not here to preach in anyway...it is just is absurd comments baffle me how no one see his ignorance.

He claims to have gone to the priest at his church ( I have no idea which one he goes to ) and he went t...

Doesn't matter....he should ask the priest the roots of "confession" and how it is actually tied Babylonian pagan roots. There is no arguing with stupid unfortunately. To me he found what would support him and his story in the end, make him look like a new man! There is one bible, yet how many religions....? Unfortunately, it is contorted a lot to suit to people with "I think" rather what is in there. But people are allowed to have their free will of what they want to live by or how they want to live their life at this time. I respect that people have the right to live their lives as I have the right to my beliefs/ values. Hence, I look for friendships that we share common values and I don't think there is anything wrong with that as everybody does so. But if someone going to use something against me, they better not be ignorant! If that makes sense.....

I believe in god, I needed too for my profession somewhat on when people died. But most church's teach heaven or hell as souls live on. Well, it does not even sound comforting to me that a family member is looking down at my life watching me suffer. Now, if you actually read the bible it says that those who died return to dust and their condition is they are conscious of nothing as the living soul in no more. Now I do believe there is hope for ones beyond death eventually....but their pain from cancer is gone at the moment and they don't see me suffer.

Anyways, I have to apologize... I do not want to seem like a bible thumper in anyway. The point was to point out the absurdity of the situation. Lol...forest gump," stupid is as stupid does" We always joke at work that we are the reason Darwin theory doesn't work or play out, because we keep patching them up or reviving them...so I sincerely apologize for that