Rhys Hamilton
New Here
Hi, Being quite young, I'm a child abuse survivor. I'm 14 years old and I've encountered many traumas, from ages to 5 to 13. My mother was unwell mentally, so I had to go into fostercare when I was 5 years old. I was in a total of 3 placements. They were all abusive. My first home, they emotionally abused me, I was 6 at the time, The fosterparents really did have something mentally wrong with them, their daughter used to force me to play games with her, She made me kiss her, touch her in wrong places. She said If I did it I would be allowed to use the ps2 because my fosterparents never let me play it over stupid reasons. She did other things to me which I dont want to talk about.
I moved back in with my mother, for a year, but unfortunately she tried to kill herself, me and my brother had to ring an ambulance, we thought she was dieing. The hospital told us she might die, my mother was so drugged she couldn't even speak, she couldn't walk, the hospital had to carry her down the stairs, I remember standing there and watching them pull my sick mother, this is the only thing I remember from this experience. I cant remember how I felt, I feel like this happened in another life time.
Then I moved into another family, this abuse was quite severe. I remember when I moved in I was having nightmares, probably about my mothers suicide attempt. At first I thought they were nice, but then they started to hit me, throw heavy objects at me, Not give me dinners, no lunches, very little food. They went on holiday, and they would send me to a different fosterfamily while I was away. They daughters and sons would frame me for things I wouldn't do, they said I hit them when I didn't, they said I stole money from them when I didn't.
The fosterdad will be quite sadistic towards me, he always insulted me, saying I wasn't a normal child, I remember they wouldn't let me outside.
One night, they threw glass candles at me and slapped me across the face, I phone the social services and they came to the house, and I moved fosterhomes again, I don't remember what happened to the family, if they got punished or not. I don't think they did.
I moved back into the first foster family I had, The one who emotionally abused me. This time the emotional abuse was far worse, When I turned 11 Years old, I got bulimia, I self harmed and had suicidal feelings, and I believe this was because of my fosterparents. The fostermother was horrible, she called me names, framed me for things I didn't do, made up lies to the social services, saying I was crazy, had attatchment issues and was doing stuff I had never done.
She would go into rages when no one was home, throwing things at me taking all her anger and problems on me. Then when someone came home and I tried to tell them she suddenly became normal and said I was lieing, which made people believe I was attention seeking and Lieing. This ruined my reputation and the social services still fail to see I was telling the truth.
I dont live there anymore, there's still alot more bad experiences there, I don't want to talk about it.
I'm living with my mother again and everything's better now, I have tried to kill myself this year, resulting in hospital care for a while, I'm in therapy, I take medication for anxiety and ADHD, and I've been diagnosed with severe social phobia, attachment problems, ADHD and depression. I'm also getting tested for developmental trauma disorder. I've also had history of significant dissociation.
I also feel disconnected from my feelings, My thoughts and my feelings seem so different. When I look in the mirror I feel likes its not me, its someone else. When I think what happened to me in the past, I feel like that wasn't me, it was someone else who experienced that. My life seems like a book.
Reality seems unreal, I always feel distant. I cant make attatchments towards other, I have friends, but I don't really care about them, I have a family, but I feel like I don't need them. When I think of love, Noone really comes to my mind, when I hug my mother there's no spark, I remember feeling warm and happy when someone hugged me when I was younger, it doesn't happen now.
I always want to be alone, I can spend months by myself in my room and still be myself. My mother always worry and thinks I'm depressed when I do this, I think staying ins better for me, going out with friends/school is such a chore.
I cant go to school anymore, The school I'm in reminds me of my emotionally abusive fostermother, because she would always tell the school lies about me, stuff that was happening at home which wasn't true, and the teacher she told always give me dirty looks and don't like me. Its very upsetting, I cant trust any adults.
Everything causes extreme stress, I always have insomnia, My mum says I have nightmares at night and scream and yell in my sleep, and I'm so detached from everything, I dought I'd react if my family home was burning down. Life doesn't seem to affect me emotionally anymore, which makes me suicidal. I'm so apathetic.
I always feel broken, used, distrustful, extremely helpless and hopeless everyday. I get flashbacks and everything seems to remind me of abuse, The world seems so unreal and distant it seems pointless to live, what's the point of living if you cant even experience life emotionally. I try to tell others my problems, but they haven't been what I've been through. They don't understand. There's times where I go into mental breakdowns, usually associated after having an overwhelming flashback. Its quite scary, these usually happen like 3 times a year, This caused my suicide attempt.
But I'm not having flashbacks, I always feel unreal, slightly depressed, empty, broken, useless etc. I forget long periods of time, I forget what I said in fights and there's times where I even forget days, even weeks at a time. I feel like there's someone talking to me in my head, telling me to do bad things, always calling me bad names, constant bad thoughts and at times I feel like they control me. I cant understand the voice, so I can't really explain anymore.
I do bad things and cant remember, like steal, hit, yell. This terrifys me at times, what if I do something I will regret and don't remember it. What is this, is this dissociation. Sorry if this is long, I feel like I needed to post my thoughts and feelings. I felt like they were all building up, I need a realise.
Thanks, sorry if this is long though, but thanks anyway.
I moved back in with my mother, for a year, but unfortunately she tried to kill herself, me and my brother had to ring an ambulance, we thought she was dieing. The hospital told us she might die, my mother was so drugged she couldn't even speak, she couldn't walk, the hospital had to carry her down the stairs, I remember standing there and watching them pull my sick mother, this is the only thing I remember from this experience. I cant remember how I felt, I feel like this happened in another life time.
Then I moved into another family, this abuse was quite severe. I remember when I moved in I was having nightmares, probably about my mothers suicide attempt. At first I thought they were nice, but then they started to hit me, throw heavy objects at me, Not give me dinners, no lunches, very little food. They went on holiday, and they would send me to a different fosterfamily while I was away. They daughters and sons would frame me for things I wouldn't do, they said I hit them when I didn't, they said I stole money from them when I didn't.
The fosterdad will be quite sadistic towards me, he always insulted me, saying I wasn't a normal child, I remember they wouldn't let me outside.
One night, they threw glass candles at me and slapped me across the face, I phone the social services and they came to the house, and I moved fosterhomes again, I don't remember what happened to the family, if they got punished or not. I don't think they did.
I moved back into the first foster family I had, The one who emotionally abused me. This time the emotional abuse was far worse, When I turned 11 Years old, I got bulimia, I self harmed and had suicidal feelings, and I believe this was because of my fosterparents. The fostermother was horrible, she called me names, framed me for things I didn't do, made up lies to the social services, saying I was crazy, had attatchment issues and was doing stuff I had never done.
She would go into rages when no one was home, throwing things at me taking all her anger and problems on me. Then when someone came home and I tried to tell them she suddenly became normal and said I was lieing, which made people believe I was attention seeking and Lieing. This ruined my reputation and the social services still fail to see I was telling the truth.
I dont live there anymore, there's still alot more bad experiences there, I don't want to talk about it.
I'm living with my mother again and everything's better now, I have tried to kill myself this year, resulting in hospital care for a while, I'm in therapy, I take medication for anxiety and ADHD, and I've been diagnosed with severe social phobia, attachment problems, ADHD and depression. I'm also getting tested for developmental trauma disorder. I've also had history of significant dissociation.
I also feel disconnected from my feelings, My thoughts and my feelings seem so different. When I look in the mirror I feel likes its not me, its someone else. When I think what happened to me in the past, I feel like that wasn't me, it was someone else who experienced that. My life seems like a book.
Reality seems unreal, I always feel distant. I cant make attatchments towards other, I have friends, but I don't really care about them, I have a family, but I feel like I don't need them. When I think of love, Noone really comes to my mind, when I hug my mother there's no spark, I remember feeling warm and happy when someone hugged me when I was younger, it doesn't happen now.
I always want to be alone, I can spend months by myself in my room and still be myself. My mother always worry and thinks I'm depressed when I do this, I think staying ins better for me, going out with friends/school is such a chore.
I cant go to school anymore, The school I'm in reminds me of my emotionally abusive fostermother, because she would always tell the school lies about me, stuff that was happening at home which wasn't true, and the teacher she told always give me dirty looks and don't like me. Its very upsetting, I cant trust any adults.
Everything causes extreme stress, I always have insomnia, My mum says I have nightmares at night and scream and yell in my sleep, and I'm so detached from everything, I dought I'd react if my family home was burning down. Life doesn't seem to affect me emotionally anymore, which makes me suicidal. I'm so apathetic.
I always feel broken, used, distrustful, extremely helpless and hopeless everyday. I get flashbacks and everything seems to remind me of abuse, The world seems so unreal and distant it seems pointless to live, what's the point of living if you cant even experience life emotionally. I try to tell others my problems, but they haven't been what I've been through. They don't understand. There's times where I go into mental breakdowns, usually associated after having an overwhelming flashback. Its quite scary, these usually happen like 3 times a year, This caused my suicide attempt.
But I'm not having flashbacks, I always feel unreal, slightly depressed, empty, broken, useless etc. I forget long periods of time, I forget what I said in fights and there's times where I even forget days, even weeks at a time. I feel like there's someone talking to me in my head, telling me to do bad things, always calling me bad names, constant bad thoughts and at times I feel like they control me. I cant understand the voice, so I can't really explain anymore.
I do bad things and cant remember, like steal, hit, yell. This terrifys me at times, what if I do something I will regret and don't remember it. What is this, is this dissociation. Sorry if this is long, I feel like I needed to post my thoughts and feelings. I felt like they were all building up, I need a realise.
Thanks, sorry if this is long though, but thanks anyway.
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