Relationship Is this forever?

[Ladyjosephine]

I’ve been dating my PTSD vet for just shy of a year, and we started out with the most open and honest relationship that I had ever experienced in my life. He is a kind, amazing man who at first made me feel like the most treasured woman on the planet. He had his bad days, but never verbally or physically abusive, and we very quickly realized that this was something serious and potentially long term and real for both of us. As the months have progressed, his PTSD has begun to make itself more and more visible, and he has begun pushing me away. I have no idea what I’m doing when it comes to any of this, but I’m fully committed to helping him, I’m just afraid he has given up completely. He has suicidal tendencies (currently under the advisement of VA) and no drive to actively help himself. He has flat out told me that he has gone through all the therapies and none of them have worked and now he is just faking it until it catches up with him, and I have no idea what I’m supposed to do with that.
I want to be as supportive as I can and I want to make this work more than anything because whether he believes it right now or not, he is worth it, but I am also in the final semester of grad school and working and I’m exhausted. I love him and he swears he loves me, but at what point does it become too much? He relies so heavily on me for so many things, and yet as far as a relationship, it’s essentially one of a caretaker at this point and if he has truly given up on getting better or making changes, is this what I have to look forward to if I stay?

 

[Teasel]

if he has truly given up on getting better or making changes, is this what I have to look forward to if I stay?

Very valid concerns for you - I think you are right to wonder if this a situation you want to put yourself in - If he is not trying to help himself but instead is relying on you more and more and if you let him then it does look as though that would be how your life would be for the forseeable future.

Are you able to discuss your concerns with him at all?

 

[ILoveLife]

yet as far as a relationship, it’s essentially one of a caretaker at this point and if he has truly given up on getting better or making changes, is this what I have to look forward to if I stay?

If you want to, only. Depends on what you're dealing with here too, in your own inner workings. Is it worth it? Depends. Sometimes it takes a while but its worth it. Sometimes things never change.
You can deal with this in a lot of ways. You can leave, that doesn't make you a bad person. You can leave and help him get help if he wants. You can stay. You can stay and be his sole supporter, which is not good either for you or him.

I agree it's something to discuss with him.

You deserve a healthy relationship.

 

[InsertCoinsHere]

It's such a difficult one isn't it. I honestly don't know how my partner has managed to stay with me.. From my point of view it came to a very definite point where I realised I was going to lose the girl I love if I don't a) get myself together as best I can and b) show her the respect she deserves.

It wasn't an instant click.. It took a period of a few really poor months when my PTSD was at it's worst. The depression was at it's peak and that's a whole monster in itself, I won't lie to you sometimes with this disorder it's about buying time until things improve, reduce the stress to the most minimal imaginable and that may help the depression also, medication can sometimes help lift the cloud a bit.

Then in my instance I had just the smallest amount of desire for life left in me to say No this disorder will not cost me my life and all the great things that are a part of it.

A) Buy yourself time (Surrender, Accept, Trusting is sometimes all we can hope for)
B) Seek support for you (family, friends, counsellor, a higher power)
C) Set firm boundaries for what you will not tolerate and let there be consequences if they are broken (I needed this to realise what I could lose)
D) Ask him to look after something (something alive.. Buy a few small plants and ask him to just water them every 2 days.. Its truly amazing the cumulative effect such a small task can have)
E) Truly know where you're cut off point is.. What are you willing to tolerate before you have to safe yourself.. You are deserving of a healthy life too.

I'm amazed by the strength, courage and loyalty of supporters, honestly I don't know if I could make it through the days without support. Hats off to you for all that you are doing. And I hope it gets better for both you and your partner.

 

[Justmehere]

It could get better, it could get worse. I wouldn’t stay in it based on the hope of him changing.

For now, I’d suggest setting the boundaries you need to get through school and possibly direct him to non-profits that provide support for veterans. (The VA isn’t a stellar option for treatment.) There are groups that can help with a number of things that might be of more interest than traditional treatments.

In terms of his recovery, he has to do the work himself. You can’t do it for him. Even if you could, you shouldn’t.

His reluctance isn’t flippant. Trauma therapy is hellishly hard. Usually, symptoms get worse before they get better. If he’s not willing to do treatment, there isn’t much you can do. You could suggest connecting to other peers and veterans that have been there, really been there, and who might be able to help in a different way.

If he is ever in a state where you are concerned for his imminent safety, you can call a crisis line for support for you in figuring out what to do and how to respond.

Being a supporter without slipping codependent caretaking takes a lot of work, practice, self care, and setting boundaries.

If you are not up for it, that’s ok. Just like on an airplane, you have to put on your own oxygen mask first.

 

[LuckiLee]

Hi there. The PTSD stress cup will explain a few things. A relationship is good stress and good stress is still stress.

A PTSD relationship is hard. An untreated PTSD relationship is h*ll. IMO.

Good luck!