Is this integrating young dissociated feelings?

[Justmehere]

I'm working on a very old trauma in therapy that I have numbed out very strongly. My therapist says I don't have DID but I'm having an experience of integrating old feelings and ego states.

After the last few sessions, I have left feeling ok... and then a few hours later, I will feel very adult *and* also very young, at the same time. When I'm around other people, I act like my normal self. Trusted folks in my life say nothing seems different about me, except maybe a little more quiet. That's what I feel like.

When I'm alone, it freaks me out a little to feel like this. I feel sooooo young. I feel totally like myself just very young. Like 4-5 years old. I can sort of talk to myself (like self talk) in my head sometimes while feeling this from an adult kind of perspective while feeling it... and it's really hard, but it can be very soothing. Simple things. Like "ok this is so weird to feel this, but it's ok. There isn't any danger. I'm just gonna go take a shower and make dinner and grab that super fuzzy blanket to wrap up in afterwards." I might also think, "let's go get the fuzzy blanket...." but using the word "let's gets weird in my head."

Normally, talking to myself like this would be helpful but not soothing. Not relaxing. Not really reassuring just kinda neutral.

Not really sure what's happening.

When I don't do this work on this subject in therapy, this stuff doesn't happen for me. I have anxiety and so many other PTSD symptoms. And I feel nothing about this trauma. The more I work on this traumatic event, the more this stuff happens for a few days, and then I feel better - symptoms overall are reduced quite a bit. Then I go to therapy and we do more work. It's only been a couple of time on this subject and it's getting easier but this is kind of all confusing to me inside of it. I can manage it ok, but I don't quite understand it.

Any thoughts? Anyone experience anything like this?

 

[hodge]

I had an extremely dramatic and awful experience similar to this, but on steroids, shortly after I was diagnosed. I had left therapy and gone to a university library to do a little research for work. They were remodeling that whole building, so I couldn't get inside by the normal door I used. Once inside, I was totally disoriented . . . lots of open staircases and bridges which freaked me out and made me dizzy. I finally made it to the library, got on the floor where the book I needed was at, got off the elevator and was confronted with floor-to-ceiling windows. I get vertigo very easily and I just fell against a book shelf for a couple minutes. Got myself up, found and grabbed the book I needed and got my butt down to the lobby and sat in a comfortable chair to write down what I needed. I was still disoriented this whole time. Finally, I finished what I had to do. I walked out of the library and into the huge hall and began feeling like I was a tiny kid again. I literally had trouble walking normally. I literally felt like a toddler again. It was one of the most disturbing episodes in my life. And it took me forever to find my way out of the building to the parking lot, but the nightmare still wasn't over. I walked around for probably half an hour outside trying to find my car in the dark (it was autumn). All the while, I literally felt about three feet tall and unsteady on my feet, like a total regression. Eventually I found my car, got in and somehow drove the 30 miles home in the dark, though I probably shouldn't have been driving. I called my t the next morning and told her what happened. I don't remember what she said. I just told her, okay, I'm ready to try Paxil.

 

[hodge]

Weirdly, we never worked through this experience in therapy. I wish I could make sense of it in a way that might help. Maybe I'll tackle it in therapy tomorrow.

 

[Sunshineturtle]

I have DID.. doesn't sound like u have what i call my helpers.. I wouldn't get anxiety over having those feeling moments though.. If u have trauma.. its probably exactly that... and its ypur way of soothing yourself.. or your inber child if you will. Not the same as DID though.. thank your lucky stars for that..

 

[Crow]

I have had similar experiences. They were frequent for a couple of years and T would get furious that I'd drive in those states.

I don't have did and according to T these episodes wouldn't qualify anyway because there's no disociation. I am aware of the state. She calls it part of the integration process and depending on what I am feeling, sometimes it's combined with flashback.

I've started talking to myself in an adult voice but to whatever age child I feel like. I give an abreviated history and assure the little one we are safe. And I try not to drive. Drawing or coloring with my left hand helps things process faster.

 

[Cerulean Synapse]

I'm working on a very old trauma in therapy that I have numbed out very strongly. My therapist says...

Well I have full blown DID. But after talking to my T and doing work with her I sometimes like you said feel like a kid again not in that since but really small and actually talk in a kid voice and act really immature. My husband thinks I am just being cute but I don't know I think it's just part of my therapy. I try not to think about it too much because if I do I end up switching into my alter "Shelley".

 

[KerriJ]

This is currently happening to me as well. I am working on accepting my "young" feelings.

I've begun reading inner child work, and it's helping me be okay with these young feelings.
From what my T (And past Ts) have told me, it is okay and normal for trauma survivors to age regress sometimes - the important thing is to take care of ourselves when we do.

I suggest you look at the book Homecoming by John Bradshaw. It's a lot about inner child healing and such. (Sounds silly, but it's helped!)
Also, here's something I've been told: when the trauma happens to you at a young age... You didn't have the words or verbal ability for what happened, but your body and brain remembers. Also, the feelings are there even if we/do dissociate. So, feeling young, little, baby, etc is our brain's way of feeling the trauma without feeling it.

I hope this helped a bit. I wrap myself in a warm fuzzy blanket too, and sometimes even do more childish things like watch a kids show, hug a Carebear/stuffed animal from my childhood.

 

[Recovery4Me]

I also have been told by my T(s) what @KerriJ offered insofar as childhood trauma integration and concur that occasionally pampering the inner child with comfort items or having fun can be delightful. It was however a shift in perspective and came with the feeling of 'body small' in the beginning. Then as I worked in sessions through some teenage trauma... I grew in that sensation of body size.:hug:

But sometimes I found that having self-compassion or the self-nurturing seemed to heal the need set that had been voiced. So I hope you find a little bit of joy within your reacquainted inner child and find this part of your journey holistic.

 

[ILoveLife]

I have this as well. I was even thought to have schizophrenia because I mentioned it to my old psychiatrist. New psychiatrist says it's not a psychotic symptom... It was actually one of the reasons I started IFS. I felt so desintegrated before... I had heard of inner child healing before but thought of it as mumbo jumbo and had a hard time accepting it.

I do think most self help on the internet can be quite dangerous, most have no experience with parts work or aren't even psychotherapists. So, thread lightly.

I think the idea of parenting the inner child is very good. You do the right stuff in those conversations. Make sure you let that specific inner child know your current age, and that they can trust you now.