Is This Normal? I'm Confused!

[Addy]

Numb is how I cope with it, whether it be memory or regular living. Hopefully one day that will change. Sometimes I get discouraged because I "know" or think I should be feeling it... but it just isn't there, other times I can understand that it's my way of self protecting. It's a personal thing... what does it mean to you?

I can relate to feeling numb... and I too get frustrated because at an intellectual level I 'know' what I should be feeling about a memory, but the emotional level is shut down. It's like feeling dead inside, and I think I've rationalized (in the past) my suicidal thoughts as being ok... like what does it matter if I kill myself since I'm already dead. Also, at an intellectual level I 'know' that it is a coping mechanism, and I try to remind myself of that... to not beat myself up so much.

 

[Tinyflame]

Maddog, that's 'me', too. You found 'words' to express the disparity- internal vs outward (appearances), sometimes, and (why) the 'meltdown' follows.
-How it 'is'/ 'feels'.
Have always heard that, too- the ~"you handle it so well". Which is like, (to myself), "'yes', and 'no' ".

 

[justin]

I have a huge disconnect when it comes to my abuse/traumas something inside me that i am trying to fight against tries to ignore that they where abuse and no trauma even happened.
I am able to talk about everything for the most part but there is no connection feelings, thoughts, many times sound just the memory of what happened unless totally blocked right as it was about to happen only one time i can recall that happening. Honestly i think it is possibly a bad idea for me to discuss those things right now because it seams like it gives the denial and numbness more hold i hope that's wrong.

Not sure if this is anything like what anyone experiences if so we are not so alone or far from normal i guess?
All i know is i struggle convincing myself that i am still human somewhere.

 

[Tinyflame]

Ya, it's funny Justin how what happens 'to' us seems to affect 'how' ('that') we feel we are no longer ''entitled' to be human, or on the planet, so to speak. Yikes, hard for me to find the 'words', too.

-Hang in there.

 

[Addy]

All i know is i struggle convincing myself that i am still human somewhere.

I completely undertstand Justin. I feel very disconnected from the human race most of the time, kind of like a robot just going through the motions... I know I have emotions/feelings somewhere deep inside, but they are so locked up, that I can't help to feel there MUST be much more to life than this.

 

[The Albatross]

Mostly I just feel two dimensional and flat. But there are some bursts where I feel more, I just get worn out with the effort that it takes sometimes. Not suicidal anymore, not feeling exactly dead inside anymore... just flat and those moments are shorter than they used to be. It is scary though. In my case the stakes are pretty high if I have another traumatic break.

 

[Addy]

Mostly I just feel two dimensional and flat. But there are some bursts where I feel more, I just get worn out with the effort that it takes sometimes. Not suicidal anymore, not feeling exactly dead inside anymore... just flat and those moments are shorter than they used to be. It is scary though. In my case the stakes are pretty high if I have another traumatic break.

Glad to hear that you feel somewhat improved... that feeling of deadness and suicidality is a very scary place indeed. I can relate in that I have occasional periods of feeling human and connected, but unfortunately it is not very often. I can feel happy or sad sometimes over trivial things... like my favorite team winning a game for example. But to relate or connect with my emotions regarding serious issues is VERY hard for me. Best wishes to you Albatross!

 

[Addy]

Addy I hear you wanting the lack of emotion to mean the memory isn't true. I can't say one way or the other. I do know that we can protect ourselves from the overwhelming and horrible by separating internally from the horror. Blanking it out. I have this weird similar thing about sexual abuse. Like my body reacts as if I had that happen but I have no conscious memory of that. I think I find it too terrible to allow as a real experience and then doubt my body signals. Because I don't have the memory. So like you I question if there is truth to it.

If it is that hard to face for you then maybe that is where the questioning comes from. You don't have to own or accept anything you don't feel ready to accept. We're with you either way.

Thanks doglover... maybe in time I will form some sense of reality about the abuse I remember... but for now it still seems too surreal to be true. Maybe that's for the best? Or maybe I'm just stuck in denial... good gracious I wish I knew. I know no one can tell me (not even my therapist) if it's true or not... it's something I have to come to terms with. But how long does this self-doubt or uncertainty phase last because I want to move on and I feel stuck in the mud with this.

BTW I love the name... I love dogs and dolphins too!

 

[Spero3]

Addy,

If it helps at all, your reaction to the memory is exactly how I react to things - whether it's memories or something else. I used to shake uncontrollably whenever I spoke of my mother. I never cried, but the anger was overwhelming. My whole body just shook and I got so tense. At other times, I just go numb and disengage. And, anytime something really upsets me, I just want to go to sleep. As I kid, and even as an adult, I would just curl up and sleep sometimes in the middle of the floor. I would seek out heating vents or curl up next to the dryer.

I think your reactions are totally normal. Also remember that everyone is different in how they deal with stuff and in their PTSD symptoms.

Spero

 

[Addy]

Thanks Spero... sounds like we both deal with our PTSD symptoms very similarly. It's good to know that I'm not alone. It just seemed so strange that I wouldn't even shed a tear when sharing something so painful... I guess I wanted to use that as an excuse so that I could say that what I was remembering wasn't true... but deep down I know I haven't made it up. I think my own family's denial system is so strong that I learned that as a way to cope. Best wishes to you in your journey.

--Addy

 

[missd84]

I can really relate to this thread and what everyone has said here. I am slowly realizing I use sleep as an avoidance mechanism as well. My brother thinks I'm lazy because all I do is sleep during the day, when in fact, I can't sleep at night and during the day, not only am I tired, but I just don't wanna feel anything at all. I feel flat most of the time too. I can't seem to feel anything, I'm just kinda here.

Addy, only you know if the memories are true or not but I wish you best of luck in finding some solace in this situation. You are clearly not alone in how you are coping, as it seems that many people here can relate. Hoping you find some answers soon :)

 

[Spero3]

Addy,

Sometimes the only way our brains can handle painful memories is to cut off all emotion surrounding that memory. It's a coping mechanism like someone who develops multiple personalities in order to survive horrible abuse.

Spero