Addy. The ability to articulate in writing some of what is so impossible to put into words is one of the many things that makes this forum so validating and useful. The fact that there are countless highly empathic people to listen and to validate what we write is the icing on a very palatable cake. Goodness, the inability to articulate myself verbally is something that sometimes feels it is driving me to distracted obsession. My psych and I have a good and trusting relationship thesedays, and yet so often it feels like there is an almost physical blockage inside of me which steals my words away at the last moment as I'm trying to get them out and leaves me a quavering, stilted, stammering shell of the confessions I want to make. It's an almost physical pain to fight against that, and the pressure of that unmet need to share and seek validation is very, very difficult.
Combined with the perennial mismatch of inner feelings and external behaviour and it's easy to feel as though my personality has shattered into a thousand fragments and that I am living an endless series of fraudulent, incomplete double lives. It hurts... right now very, very much.
I know that we all share so many similarities in our stories. It comforts me to know that, and gives me a weary hope to keep struggling to connect and to be genuine and to be whole, whatever that is. Someone spoke about feeling as though they aren't human... that is my reality, my most aching, devastating reality. I know there is a life form walking around each day interacting with the world - interacting well with the world even, for the most part, yet what is inside of that being doesn't feel like anything human to me.
Tough night...
Thanks all for always being here. Where else canI come at2.27 in the morning and feel as though I am close to people who care.
Maddog
