Is This "normal" Re Flashbacks/dreams

[MesaRock]

Wondering whether anyone else has insight onto whether what I'm experiencing is a "normal" part of healing in therapy. I suspect that it is, but would like any reassurance or tips. The question comes at the end. :-)

I've been in therapy for 4 months for extensive primary and secondary complex PTSD - my T is using Somatic Experiencing mixed with other modalities (Peter Levine's Waking the Tiger tactics), mostly based on releasing trauma from my body because (a) the PTSD is manifesting as serious physical pain and health problems and (b) my brain is extremely good at repressing everything until my body/psyche breaks down from the effort of not feeling anything.

The first three months have been spent learning techniques for staying grounded and present through the process through the usual techniques (breathing, holding/touching sense grounding, positive visualizations), and that part is going pretty well, and i"m not dissociating. Also establishing a good if very small support network of some friends and family.

Two weeks ago I started working with a very good acupuncturist and body worker who specializes in PTSD and releasing trapped body memories. It's eerie - he works on a particular area and immediately a memory will emerge very vividly with tons of emotions I didn't know i had in there (grief, mostly, for now). I practice my techniques, then the next day go to my T to process the rest of it (fear, mostly).

QUESTION: In the past month, there has been a strong increase in the quantity, depth, and emotional detail of memories surfacing (in my body, conscious brain, flashbacks, dreams/nightmares, anxiety attacks, etc.). My fear is that I'm getting worse, but my hope is that I'm getting stronger and more able to deal with 30 years of pent-up garbage. SO: is this "normal" for there to be an acceleration of the process once a skilled team is in place, and safety, coping, and grounding skills more strongly established?

 

[shimmerz]

SO: is this "normal" for there to be an acceleration of the process once a skilled team is in place, and safety, coping, and grounding skills more strongly established?

My PTSD was activated by having acupuncture with the therapist having no knowledge of trauma. It sucked. I started having panic attacks, crying all the time etc. That had never been part of my 40+ years of life experience as I could recall.

Weird things started happening. I was devastated by the loss of my mother (adopted) 20 years prior. I had had pretty mixed feelings at the time of her death, so this took me off guard. I was very emotional where I had never been very emotional prior to the acupuncture. My body (I had frozen shoulder, which is now where I realize most of my trauma was 'held') went back to old habits of 'shaking my hand out (long story), as it had when I started to realize my hand were having issues, some 10 years prior.

After one session, I all the sudden blurted out 'This has to do with what happened to me before I was two'. No idea where that came from. I had no knowledge of what had happened specifically during that time. That is when I really grasped the role of the body and trauma.

I would say that your acupuncturist is getting deeper and releasing .... which is going to bring up memories that are perhaps pre-verbal, forgotten, etc. It is a difficult thing to believe in, navigate through, emotions that are stuck deep down. So I suggest you are going through an adjustment phase. It sounds like you have a really good gig going on between the acupuncturist and your T. If you feel like it becomes 'too much' or 'overwhelming' to deal with then I would speak to both of them to perhaps slow it down a bit. There is a phase of processing that needs to be done when the big stuff starts coming out. So, maybe not 'worse' but perhaps more dramatic.

Great luck to you....

 

[MesaRock]

My PTSD was activated by having acupuncture with the therapist having no knowledge of trauma. It sucke...

Thanks, that's very helpful. Another question: what do you mean by "a phase of processing that needs to be done when the big stuff starts coming out"? I wish I had a better roadmap for the progression of events and knew a bit more what to expect. As far as I was concerned, a year ago I was a well-adjusted, well-functioning person with chronic health problems. Now I realize i was sitting on an enormous pile of trauma without knowing it.

So all this acceleration is really, uh, awful but it seems that every time I extract a submerged issue, the anxiety and neurological symptoms decrease a bit.

The body pain is WEIRD - that emotions can just...sit inside me. It defies logic. It's creepy that the body holds events in time, even when the mind ignores them and thinks it's moving on. It's still a surprise to me that my "out of nowhere" panic attacks and physical pain are actually caused by triggered trauma I'm repressing.

I guess it's just a matter of figuring out which is more helpful to focus on - the pain of the cause, or the pain of the symptoms. I don't feel like I have much choice but to keep going with getting this crap OUT of my psyche and body. I've been putting band-aids on symptoms for decades and it just isn't good enough anymore now that I know what's really behind it all.

Anyway, thanks for your words of support. And curious what you mean by the phase of processing.

 

[shimmerz]

a phase of processing that needs to be done when the big stuff starts coming out

Well, I think as we start going deeper, things become tangled. Trauma is not an 'in and out' process. It shifts our belief systems, has us thinking in black and white many times, and we start to learn that most of who we are was shaped based on the trauma experience.

So as much as there is a 'tearing down' process of poor belief systems, let's take for instance, there is also a need to replace those poor (or unhelpful) belief systems, with new and more healthy ones. A building portion, I would say, that we need to tease and explore into.

For example, 'I think I am unworthy of being treated with dignity and respect' needs to be replaced with something else.... and sometimes in the midst of losing that old belief system we don't know what it needs to be replaced with. We can't quite get to 'I deserve to be treated with dignity and respect'. So we need time with our T's to go through the painful process of shifting key parts of our identities. Trying them on for size with the people we are close to. Dealing with possible relationship losses because people can't keep up. Relationship losses may lead to stirring up abandonment issues, which are huge in and amongst themselves. Sometimes crippling.

All the while, we are shedding our old selves and rebuilding our new selves. Making different choices, seeing who we were without the effects of our coping mechanisms that were put in place due to the trauma.

Not sure if this is helpful to you at all. I think that this board will be very helpful to you if you reach out and perhaps look at older posts that 'call to you'. That is what makes this community so great for many.

 

[MesaRock]

Well, I think as we start going deeper, things become tangled. Trauma is not an 'in and out' process....

I'm printing this out. You are so helpful. This normalizes so much that I've been experiencing and finding distressing.

If there are any books you found to be particularly helpful, I'd appreciate it. I am so confused by the reinvention of self - I'm coming to realize THAT process of change is somehow the hardest part of all this.

The unpredicted shedding of my old self is so necessary and yet so disorienting - I didn't see it coming, and it affects every aspect of my life. It seems like every day I'm making different choices that close more and more doors to the past self, and yet I'm not quite able to open the new doors yet - I see them in the distance, but they're cloaked in total mystery. It's hard to know what of myself I will retain, and what will go. I suppose I won't know for quite some time, which is sobering.

You articulate perfectly the abandonment and other phenomena I'm experiencing around people who are no longer by my side because of this process. And the thousands of identity shifts that disorient me. I'm 42, and the old identity is a sticky thing. I was cozy in my ignorance, I suppose, and I had a whole life built that I don't want much of anymore.

It's undoubtedly good to be poised at the new self, I'm just finding it takes all my courage and endurance to have the patience for what emerges as ME. Words like yours help so much. Thank you again.

 

[Chava]

Hi, I'm doing body-focused trauma therapy as well (primarily SE). If I understand your question correctly, YES, it is normal to have more stuff surface as your body/mind/soul is prepared to handle it. I actually think that's pretty awesome. As much as physical pain sucks (which I have a lot of), I realize some of it has been holding trauma I couldn't integrate or deal with in other ways. So it's separated out to a point and I go about my life, for the most part...in pain, but not wanting to like set myself on fire. I go to work, I do my laundry, etc. Pain contains some stuff, if that makes sense.

More stuff was coming up a few months ago and I felt like I was derailing. But my therapist is good at focusing on safety and not unraveling everything right away. So, if I'm derailing I don't have to sort out confusing bits of feelings and images that come up but don't yet fit together. I focus on more grounding and other skills. I had started harming a bit in pretty messed up ways not so long ago. My drinking was also dangerous, though infrequent...I had to stop. So I'm in a bit of self-preservation mode again, really working on spirituality and feeling safe...also managing pain better. It feels a little easier to do this stuff, like not so much work, because I am more connected to my body and less full of self hatred. So I'm in a phase of "connection" with myself and my sources of higher power. Maybe more will be revealed when feeling more stable again.

It keeps getting a little easier, as in less chaotic and fewer major meltdowns. But yes, really normal that your body and mind remember things as you are ready or able to cope without completely imploding. I honor that and do feel grateful that, even if my dissociative stuff is not helpful long term, it can peel away in manageable pieces, along with the pain. For me it's like my armor.

Sounds like you have a good team and are doing good work! :) Hang in there!

 

[shimmerz]

If there are any books you found to be particularly helpful, I'd appreciate it. I am so confused by the reinvention of self - I'm coming to realize THAT process of change is somehow the hardest part of all this.

I had a really hard time reading trauma books. SE stuff sent me through the ROOF! I recognized the concepts but could not get through the 'stories' that were often told as they triggered me so much. And my activated self was super dangerous.

What I found helpful was believing that the brain could be rewired. Norman Doidge did that for me. His book changed everything in my healing experience. Because he convinced me that if I understood how the brain reacted, that I could 'trick it'. I think the first book I read of his (he has 2) was 'The Brain and How it Changes Itself' (something like that).

What was of particular interest to me was the 'mirror box' experiment that they used with amputees with phantom pain syndrome. How the brain gets 'stuck' in a particular place, and how to 'unstuck' it again. With a simple mirror. That the brain, although complex, is kinda stupid in it's idea of what is happening. How the primitive brain has no concept of time (therefore THEN seems to be a NOW experience). How to overlay the primitive brain with a new concept of NOW so that a trigger can be 'reset'.

All fascinating stuff. Again, not sure if this is helpful, but I really needed to know that an 'old dog' could actually learn 'new tricks'.

 

[Chava]

Personal favorite books: "Healing Developmental Trauma" by L. Heller. I think I underlined an entire chapter around the "connection" stuff. Very enlightening. Like I'm not a freak. This is what early trauma does. It also helps me be more aware of what is "me", what is "trauma", and that big gulf where "me" and "trauma" merge into my personality or very deep wiring. My therapist believes even much of that can change, even if "nearly intractable" (as she calls it), it is not hopeless...just takes a lot of work. Heller's approach is SE and relational based, with some cognitive stuff too (awareness, etc). His model of developmental trauma sort of ties together symptoms of PTSD and attachment disorders.

I also liked "Neurofeedback in the Treatment of Developmental Trauma" by S. Fisher. Neurofeedback is not an option where I'm at, but as far as therapies go, SE and body-oriented approaches that are also relational are close. But a good portion of the book is not about neurofeedback but explaining very well what childhood trauma does to the brain (particularly early trauma, which I had).

Many people like Herman's book "Trauma and Recovery" (complex trauma). It helped me understand the issues of self, identity, and need to reconnect with others (extremely hard, which the book didn't really help me understand). And Van Der Kolk's book "The Body Keeps the Score." I didn't finish it...too hodge podge, but also I just understood it...I think he was laying out the body and nervous system involvement in trauma since we've focused too much on cognitive approaches, which don't actually work for many PTSD sufferers. The research is poor and yet supposedly stands out because we've mostly researched nothing else to compare it to. He also proposes Developmental Trauma Disorder or Complex PTSD as a way to encompass the aspects of childhood trauma (more global).

I've read a couple of Peter Levine's books but his writing style is too confusing. Oddly it's random and seems to take leaps and bounds, like how I think. But I don't really find his writing matching up with what I get from my therapy, and my therapy is helpful (probably more geared towards approaches described by Heller...the trauma, dissociation, and attachment stuff).

 

[MesaRock]

Hi, I'm doing body-focused trauma therapy as well (primarily SE). If I understand your question correctly,...

Chava - thanks for the insights around pain, and armor. I feel actual armor and wounds on my body that are surprising. I'm wondering if you have ideas for what happens when one gets in a fear place around the pain? Maybe it's just me, but sometimes when the physical pain comes up it feels so irrational to know it's emotionally-based, and I get triggered just by the knowledge that trauma is trapped in my body. I go back and forth thinking i'm either dying and fooling myself that it's trauma, OR that the trauma will never get the hell out of my body. Strangely - and I have no idea why - it just makes me overwhelmed with self-hatred and self-contempt. Like if I was stronger, I could beat this.

And this leads to my next question - I suppose I would like to be more kind around my physical pain, and less terrified by it. Did the self-hatred just go away or was there something in particular you found helpful? It's a real beast for me right now.

It's surprising that my body-brain divide was so big. It astonishes me that my brain could actually suppress all this and that a bunch of tissue and flesh could trap it all. My therapist is extremely cautious and grounding-focused, to the point where I get irritated at her a lot because she just makes me go so slowly and sometimes she just sits there and holds my hand and makes me breathe and inventory my whole body. I don't think until now I've felt my legs or my right arm in at least a decade. So strange.

 

[MesaRock]

I had a really hard time reading trauma books. SE stuff sent me through the ROOF! I recognized the co...

Shimmerz - I just ordered Norman Doidge's book. I don't actually have any SE or PTSD books or read them for the same reason - I cannot withstand hearing other peoples' "example" trauma stories right now...I get overwhelmed by empathy and my own pain compounds. Doidge's book sounds perfect. I believe very much in the overlapping of NOW/THEN time, and the ways in which events get trapped in that time feedback-loop. I think it will be a good match for what I need. Thanks.

 

[Chava]

I have had total meltdowns around pain. It sort of came out of nowhere, after decades of really not even noticing my body. I had issues with hunger cues, everything. So then feeling pain was totally overwhelming and I wanted to get the f*ck out of my body. It created a really bad sense of dread that likely intensified the pain. I also find I have no support really beyond my therapist because few people understand chronic pain (much less pain with trauma connections...I don't even bring this up, but some people know I have chronic pain and I feel like they maybe think I'm just a wimp, even though most of my life was mind-over-matter and pushing myself well beyond normal limits frequently).

It's been a slow process, often going forward then back a bit, of staying connected to my body. I treat the pain like real physical pain (because it is) and have worked on finding ways to slow down or rest that I can tolerate (slowing down has been hard!!). I use music, snuggling with my cat, whatever works. It also helps to go for walks because gentle movement helps...just feels good but also gets me out of feeling so trapped. It's pretty high maintenance, but I have exercises, rest, and also medications that I try to take mindfully (not just the second I feel uncomfortable). I do need some muscle relaxants because my pain because really gnarly painful spasms that have not responded to any other approach than straight up muscle relaxants. I really don't think about the past or trauma components, but focus on what my body needs now, as much as possible. If I'm melting down or overwhelmed, I probably need some medication, rest, and reaching out to my therapist.

I tolerate the pain a little better now and it doesn't feel so much like a clawed animal leached onto my body, but just me with some crankiness in my muscles. I still have to keep on top of healthy movement and a small dose of a few meds (like just one nerve block, one muscle relaxant, one pain killer a day). I'm finding ways to tolerate things like meditation and feeling spaciousness in the areas that feel angry, stuck, tight. It helps a little but is still hard to slow myself down like this for long.

Anyway, I very much relate to the dreadful feelings that can accompany pain. The trick seems to be teasing that out and not getting swamped...like recognizing the pain but realizing that in the present I am not dying and this pain isn't killing me. I can't get out of my body but I can find a way to get more comfortable or just realize I need a good distraction quite often.

 

[MesaRock]

I have had total meltdowns around pain. It sort of came out of nowhere, after decades of really not even n...

Oh wow, Chava, this is so illuminating. Thanks for all the tips. I think I'm actually just newly aware of chronic pain that I didn't consciously register before in my brain, and if I did, it never ever occurred to me that my body-brain-emotional needs could be addressed. (Interesting you mention hunger cues - I've lost a LOT of weight (way too much) and keep trying to explain to my regular [clueless] doctor that I don't notice I'm hungry until a day or two has passed, and she has, well, a very low and unenlightened response to my explanation. Another time I fractured my ankle and walked on it without a cast for two weeks until someone finally forced me to go to the hospital where again they did not react positively to my explanation that the pain wasn't so bad.)

So I guess I'm just connecting all the parts of me again and finding surprises where before there was just numbness.

I like what you say about teasing out past versus present - in present I am not dying, I just could just relax into knowing i am following the long-term solution to the physical symptoms by finally looking after my needs.

i suppose all this is positive progress. funny how positive progress can wear such a dreadful looking disguise. someone should tell it that it's not halloween. :-)