Really good discussion. I have had body work, massages, reiki that caused flashbacks that totally surprised me. What I have come to realize is that because I wasn't allowed to have my own pain in response to being abused and other traumatic events, I kept burying the pain, denying the pain, choosing numbness and total disownership of having a relationship with my body at all. The pain storehouse, my body, got full. As I chose to begin to own myself, my body, my truths of the traumas and abuses it became a real struggle between ownership and remaining numb. Who wants to choose pain. What my therapist taught me, he actually was a body worker before becoming a therapist, was awesome in his understanding of connecting with where is the pain? Locating the most specific point. Going there mentally and letting the pain tell me what it wants to tell me. It was the way I was able to heal on the painful trauma that I had stored. I had so many things happen so quickly, all I learned to do was say "No", and say not now, and choose numbness. The process of waking up was painful, but the freedom found is so worth the journey and is much better than feeling half alive. The Buddhists believe that awareness comes from the oneness and acceptance and balance with being human in a body. I think there is something to that. We have to find peace with the pain, and our bodies to make the journey to wholeness once again. I still struggle with the disconnection and have about 150 lbs I still have to remove to uncover myself. But I do not hate my body, my self anymore and I don't have the anger at it for being here and being a recipient of all the pain. It is almost like, "If it wasn't for you I would have to bear this pain. I wouldn't have to feel." I just showed me how broken a connection I had.
