Relationship Is This Ptsd Or Something Else?

[truelove]

Hello,

I have a question about PTSD and was wonder if my wife has this or maybe something else like Fear of intimacy, Fear of Commitment, Fearful Avoidance Attachment Personality, I am not sure what it is, I have read so much about different issues that people have and it seems like it could be anyone of these or maybe a combination.

About us: My wife is almost 40 and I am 43, she has always lived with her mom and sister and has never had a long term relationship, never lived with a guy and never had kids. Her mother and father divorced when she was 13 and never came to see her or her sister, would only come by and pickup her brother. Her mother never remarried or dated anyone and was very protective of the kids. She loved her father very much and said that their divorce never affected her, but her brother says that it affected her a lot. She had told me that she was in a 5 year relationship with her EX, but later told me they were never official and it was more like a booty call, he would just see her when he wanted and did not do anything for her, she also told me she broke up with him 1000 times but he keep coming back.

I meet my wife a year ago and we hit it off and became boyfriend and girlfriend about a month later and then we found out we were pregnant about 2 months after that and then married 7 months later and moved in together and then had our son. We have a great time together and great romantic life with lots of affection most of the time.

Throughout our relationship my wife has shown signs of being hyper-sensitive to my emotions. She can sense if I am the least bit upset even if I think I am not show any outward signs. There have been a few times that I would get upset about a certain thing and would talk to her about it and she would completely shut down and then leave and then the next day she would call and apologize. This happened also when I would joke with her about anything that had to do with her looks, like she would joke about my hair but one time I joked about hers and after I did I could tell she was so upset but she said nothing is wrong but had to go home. Then the next day she called and said that she was upset because I joked about her hair and that her sister said that was not fair because she joked about my hair. I think any kind of perceived criticism was taken as rejection. She told me when we first started dating that she always put up walls and pushed guys away and self-sabotaged her relationships and then she said she does not know why but she wants this relationship to be different. There has been times in the past when I would text her and ask if I could talk with her on the phone and then she would immediately call me and ask what I wanted to talk about and then after I tell her, like asking if she could come over or go out to a movie she would say, Oh, I thought you were going to break up with me. I feel like at times she keeps me at arm’s length and that she is having a hard time attaching to me, maybe out of fear of rejection or fear of abandonment from her dad or maybe something else happened to her when she was young? I feel like when we have a disagreement as long as I do not get upset with her we can talk things out, but if I get upset with her that is when she shuts down and pushes me away. It is like she lives in a shell and it takes time, love and patience to get her to come out and to be loving and affectionate and when she does she is very loving and affectionate, but if she feel any kind of rejection she goes back into her shell and then I have to start over.

She is very loving and sends me text and tells me how much she loves me and how lucky she is to be with me, but It still feels like a push and pull relationship at times, like she will get really close to me, then she gets scared and then pushes me away by being aloof or making jokes or causing a fight and getting mad at me and then being distant for a day or 2 and then she is better and starts slowly being loving again. Over the year she has defiantly gotten a lot better and I am proud of her and love her and will continue to work on being patient and the best husband and father I can be for her.

My worst fear is that she is just not that into me and that is the reason she pushes me away, but I feel like she is just scared, like something happened to her is the past that is causing her to do this. If anyone has any thoughts of what might be happing and how I can make this better I would appreciate it.


Sincerely,
Jeff

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Hi and welcome. We can't really say for sure, but in the absence of a DSM PTSD criterion A event, it can't be PTSD. She has a number of characteristics that PTSD sufferers sometimes have, but I also see a lack of other diagnostic criteria as well. And even if she does have a trauma in her past, that doesn't necessarily mean this is PTSD as it's possible to have PTS without the full blown disorder.

It's quite possible that it is the divorce that is affecting her to this day as that was a form of rejection and now she pushes you away to possibly avoid more rejection. I think that you two could benefit from couples counseling, and she could benefit from individual counseling as well.

 

[Changing4Best]

Welcome here, congrats on your marriage and the birth of your son.

I am not an expert on diagnosing PTSD, but I can see some problems here that need addressing. Solara's suggestions about therapy sound good.

I would suggest that you don't joke with her about anything, even though she jokes with you. Try to just let her jokes roll off you and then change the subject.

May your marriage mend and you be happy. God be with you all.

 

[TimeToHeal]

Hi @truelove, and welcome.

First let me commend you for reaching out and wanting to understand your wife's behaviors and to help her and your marriage.

From what you've written in your post, it sounds like there are a lot of "unknowns," if you will.

It also sounds like your wife has led a largely "protected" life, with a possibly "over-bearing" mother. Maybe? I'm sure you recognize that it's not very typical to be a woman in your late 30's and to have never moved away from home or been on your own. I think there could be several reasons for this but I don't know enough about your wife to take a guess at which may apply to her.

It sounds like your wife is pretty insecure and has low self esteem. (She's certainly not alone there). She may not feel she is worthy of your love and commitment, or question why you would want to be with her. It sounds like she had never had a very positive male relationship and probably expects you too, will abandon her.

Do you know if she was ever abused, or suffered some other obvious trauma? (Not that all trauma is obvious!)

Is your wife in therapy, or has she ever been? Have you considered couples counseling as a way to address some of your concerns? Do you think she would be open to this? It sounds like your wife would benefit from some individual therapy, but starting with couples counseling may be a better suggestion. If she's never been in therapy for herself, it probably wouldn't go over so well if you were to suggest it. In fact it may be counterproductive in that she may wrongly take it to reinforce her feelings of inadequacy, etc.

Just some of my thoughts....I don't know if any of them are helpful at all. I wish you luck with this and with your marriage. It sounds like your wife is lucky to have you!

 

[truelove]

Thank you for your kind and thoughtful replies, I have thought about asking to go to couples couching but I think she would take it as she is not good enough and feel rejected, so I am trying to do what I can, it is getting better so maybe we can help each other through our relationship, to heal from our past hurts. [DLMURL="https://www.myptsd.com/c/members/solara.1860/"]Solara[/DLMURL], I do believe it is the divorce that is affecting her, unless there is something else happened that she has not told me.. Link Removed, you are correct, I am very careful not to joke about anything physical and it defiantly has worked wonders. There are things I do not like her joking about and she knows it and is mindful and does not joke about those things, which I think is sweet of her :)

[DLMURL="https://www.myptsd.com/c/members/timetoheal.25307/"]TimeToHeal[/DLMURL], Yes, her mother is a sweet person and a good person but I think after the divorce she was left raising 3 children without knowing English and probably was a over-protective mother. Even today her mom will call and tell my wife all these things that she should be doing with the baby and my wife will get overwhelmed sometimes. My wife loves her mom more than anything and I really like her also but I could see her being over protective. Maybe my wife feels like she was engulfed as a child and now wants to make her own decisions, right or wrong.

I asked my wife if she was abused and she said that she was not, but when we first started having intimate relations she would say things like: "Daddy, you are hurting me", I even asked her about this and asked her if she was abused and she laughed and said that she uses daddy as a way to reference her man, she is Spanish and the head of the household is referred to as daddy or father, I guess the same way we call our SO babe or baby. Besides that I have not noticed anything or she has not said anything about being abused.

TimeToHeal, what do you mean by? "She may not feel she is worthy of your love and commitment, or question why you would want to be with her". She is very pretty and smart, she is amazing woman, I do not understand how she would question why I would want to be with her.

She is not, nor has ever been in the therapy, I do not think, she thinks she needs it.

It seems like the more I say good positive things about her and praise her on the things she does the happier she is with me, so I guess I need to just keep being positive with her and then be mindful of things that trigger her feelings of rejection? I do feel like it is a balancing act sometimes because I do feel like she is scared to get too close to me because I might abandon her and she will be hurt just like her father hurt her. I have told her that I will always be there for her and our son but I think instead of this helping I think she may feel trapped or engulfed or may not believe me. It really feels like she wants to be close but the closer she gets the more scared she gets of being rejected/abandoned. Should I just take it slow and not press her to fast for intimacy/attachment and just have fun with her and communicate my needs in a loving caring way.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Uhm, I think you're on a slippery slope if you think that you have to change your behavior just to make her happy. I've seen others do it, and it doesn't really work. You'll end up walking on eggshells at some point.

 

[TimeToHeal]

@truelove, I just meant that if your wife has low self esteem and fears you may abandon her, it is possible, even likely, that underneath she also feels "not good enough," or "worthy," of such love and commitment. Especially given what she experienced with her parents divorce and her father not spending time with her. Kids (often unconsciously) tend to internalize these experiences as "their fault," or because "there must be something wrong with me." Unfortunately those fears and beliefs don't just go away as we become adults.

This is further supported by the only other long term relationship she's had being, as you described, a "booty call." He was only around when he wanted something from her, not because he loved and valued her and just wanted to be with her.

Make sense?

Unfortunately you typically can't convince someone of your commitment.... it has to be proven. That, and trust, grow slowly over time. Just keep reinforcing to her how important she is to you and how much you value and cherish her. These things don't change overnight....

Good luck!

 

[Snowangel1225]

As with most of the above, I believe she should seek therapy and they can help her sort through things and figure out if she has a diagnosis and what would be the best method of treating it. She sounds like she has very low self-esteem and is hyper-sensitive to any form of criticism whether it is real or not. You might want to read about Avoidant Personality Disorder (AvPD) and see if that sounds like her. It wasn't something I had ever heard of until I was diagnosed with it and a lot of what you describe in you wife sounds like it. Of course, it also sounds like a lot of other things too as symptoms tend to overlap different diagnosis's. Good luck and I hope she seeks some help!

 

[truelove]

Thank you [DLMURL="https://www.myptsd.com/c/members/timetoheal.25307/"]TimeToHeal[/DLMURL], for explaining what you meant about her not "not good enough," or "worthy," of such love and commitment", it makes sense now. I agree that things don't change overnight and trust, grows slowly over time. i will do like you said and just keep reinforcing to her how important she is to me, thank you, that is good advice.

[DLMURL="https://www.myptsd.com/c/members/snowangel1225.21066/"]Snowangel1225[/DLMURL], I looked up Avoidant Personality Disorder and is does sound like her. She actually sounds like she does have fearful/anxiousness avoidance disorder, which I guess is rooted from her dad abandoning her which I guess is kind of like PTSD in a way. Are you married, did you get help with AvPD, what was the cause of the AvPD for you, how do your AvPD play out in your relationship?

I do feel like she has come a long ways, I guess when her dad left she felt abandoned by the only male in her life and does not know how to attach to a man because of the deep pain she felt when her dad left and i think after her dad left the family the mom became very protective of the girls to the point she had no identity. Also I think she could see how hurt her mom was and would try to make her happy.


I think she wants love more than anything but when she finds someone, like me who is loving and caring she gets scared and pushes me away because she is scared to get close for the fear of being abandoned like her father did her and also the fear of loosing her identity and being engulfed like her mom did, at least that seems like what is going on, I hope this is what is going on. I do feel like she loves me but I feel like she has not really attached to me, like she has one foot in the relationship and one foot out, like she is waiting for me to abandon her so she is not fully committed like I am.



Like last night, I came home and wanted to take her and baby to the mall to get out of the house and shop and have fun. She was happy to go and before we left I went to hug her and she barley hugged me, and it made me sad, and she could see I was sad and was asking me what is wrong and then started being very affectionate and loving and holding my hand and kissing me. It seems like the majority of the time she is only affectionate is when she rejects me and then sees that I am sad, then she will be affectionate. I don't understand why she does this and is not loving and affectionate as I am. To me if you really love someone you would want to kiss this and hold them when you see them. most of the time when I kiss and hug her she will kiss and hug me back but it really seems like it is forced on her part. Even when she sends sweet loving text it almost feels like she sends then because she feels bad for not being able to give me love. Like she cannot give me love and she feels bad about it so then she will do something to try and make me feel good because she feels bad.


Thank you for reading this, I do not know if it is me or her or both of us but I wish I knew specifically what to do.

I just want to have a beautiful loving caring relationship with my wife and son and grow old together.


At this point all I know to do is be supportive like [DLMURL="https://www.myptsd.com/c/members/timetoheal.25307/"]TimeToHeal[/DLMURL], said, give her space, try not to be to affectionate and give her time to trust me that I will not leave her or engulf her and have faith in her and our love.


If you guys have anymore advice I am all ears.


Best regards,

Jeff

 

[Snowangel1225]

Are you married, did you get help with AvPD, what was the cause of the AvPD for you, how do your AvPD play out in your relationship?

I'm not married anymore. I've been married twice but my last marriage ended 8 years ago. I don't know if I can blame the AvPD for my marriage ending, but it probably played a role as well as being 'a raging co-dependent' which is also something I have been working on for years. He was also not blameless.

I was only recently diagnosed with AvPD and am currently in therapy to learn to deal with it. But knowing I have it helps me. I now know there are reasons for my thought processes and why I struggle with some things. It isn't an excuse, but it is an explanation so I don't beat myself up about it as much anymore. I also know it isn't going to go away on it's own and it's something I need to work on by pushing myself out of my comfort zone.

As far as causes....it could be any number of things, There was childhood sexual abuse as well as physical abuse and emotionally remote parents. They all affected me into my adulthood and in my relationships where I would accept the unacceptable from my partners because I didn't feel like I deserved better. I am hyper aware of criticism whether it is real or not and tend to try to make myself disappear when in public because I don't want to draw attention to myself. I don't leave home often (work from home) but when I do, I spend a lot of time picking just the right clothes that aren't flashy and noticeable, but also won't be judged as being odd or in poor taste. It's all about blending in for me. I have few close friends but the ones I have a very social people. It makes it easier for me to blend into the background while they take over conversations.

AvPD is a hard way of life. You spend all of your time weighing what you will say and do afraid of making a mistake and drawing criticism. Trust is hard to come by and we need tons of reassurance to even begin to believe we are worthy which is funny, because we hate to be a bother. I think that is why we just pull back and keep to ourselves. We don't think we are worth someone's time.

If you could get her to consider therapy, I think it would help her a great deal. Avoidants are notoriously hard to treat because they will avoid therapy (that's kind of a duh) or they will start therapy and just stopped showing up. I've only been in therapy for a couple of months and we haven't started delving into the 'hard stuff' yet, but she has been helping me develop coping mechanisms to help calm my anxiety which has been very helpful.