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- #13
PreciousChild
Platinum Member
It's been 8 months since I first posted this thread, but I had to come back and thank everyone!!! You were so right, snowwhite, ladee and mary1979. It was a process, but I grew more and more emboldened as I began to make healthier choices, and probably with a big thanks to this thread.
I realized that my situation with my ex exactly mirrored my situation with my dad. How could I not see it?? My dad was narcissistic and abusive, but he was also disabled, and expected me to cater to him from the time I was very small. Because he was disabled, my fear was mixed with pity and shame. I had adults accuse me all the time of being embarrassed of my disabled father which would put me in a spiral of guilt. Never mind that he was using and abusing me. Maybe that's why I looked forlorn and scared! Another revelation: my dad tried to commit suicide when I was 11 years old. I remember that day, but I never put that much stock into it. But how could it not have been traumatic? I'm the one who had to phone the ambulance because my mom was too hysterical. He had been bleeding throughout the night.
Like a bolt of lightening, I came to the realization that I blamed myself for driving him to suicide. It was my responsibility to make him happy and serve him, and I obviously failed. I don't remember what happened the day after the suicide, but I'm curious what I was thinking and feeling. The man who dominated my life, the one I was supposed to live for was gone. How did I fill that hole? Did I enjoy the newfound freedom? I think since that day, I had been searching for someone else to chain myself to, someone else to serve in order to redeem myself for killing my dad (he actually survived and ended up institutionalized for a time). And then I found my ex. My ex frequently threatens suicide, though he never means it. I think he knows that when he makes that threat, I go into some sort of guilt-induced shock, and you can convince me to do anything.
On a more typically ptsd level, my relationship with my ex mirrors my relationship with my dad. I was in the situation of having to cater to my wildly distorted dad/ex in order to survive (child support and being there for my son). And since I had to preserve my dad/ex who I depended on for survival, the only alternative for me was to see myself as the problem. I grew up with such self-hate. There was not a single person in the world I hated more. It was nearly impossible for a long time to even see the problem, much less challenge my ex. I couldn't overcome my self-loathing and fears to see him as responsible.
But it finally clicked. After the most recent text of him blaming me for not "keeping him sane" (code for getting triggered and wildly gambling away everything), I told him I was no more responsible for keeping him sane as he was responsible for keeping his neighbor sane. We are each our own people!! Then I said what seemed to be the coldest damned thing I could think of. I said that just because I happened to meet him at 25 years old, felt sorry for him and helped him, does that mean I have to be his punching bag for life? I think for both my father and my ex, the harshest truth for them would be my apathy. Terror and self-loathing helps them. But the fact that I neutralized my place in the world I think was a slap in the face. He hasn't texted me since.
One thing I wanted to say is that it was much more important that I stand up for my truth rather than being smart, though I totally understand that advice. It helped that I did have the law on my side - I secured that. I did have some fear that there would be reprisals, that maybe he'd find a legal way to punish me. But I didn't care. I was willing to fight for my truth despite the consequences. Choosing truth over his manipulation and lies, gave me my power back. I slayed the dragon and ripped through the illusion that I was to blame for my ex's gambling and insanity, or my dad's attempted suicide or disability. And guess what, there have been no reprisals.
I still have work to do, which I've been doing though I don't come to this forum that much anymore. But having feedback here from other survivors changes trajectories and lives. Thank you.
I realized that my situation with my ex exactly mirrored my situation with my dad. How could I not see it?? My dad was narcissistic and abusive, but he was also disabled, and expected me to cater to him from the time I was very small. Because he was disabled, my fear was mixed with pity and shame. I had adults accuse me all the time of being embarrassed of my disabled father which would put me in a spiral of guilt. Never mind that he was using and abusing me. Maybe that's why I looked forlorn and scared! Another revelation: my dad tried to commit suicide when I was 11 years old. I remember that day, but I never put that much stock into it. But how could it not have been traumatic? I'm the one who had to phone the ambulance because my mom was too hysterical. He had been bleeding throughout the night.
Like a bolt of lightening, I came to the realization that I blamed myself for driving him to suicide. It was my responsibility to make him happy and serve him, and I obviously failed. I don't remember what happened the day after the suicide, but I'm curious what I was thinking and feeling. The man who dominated my life, the one I was supposed to live for was gone. How did I fill that hole? Did I enjoy the newfound freedom? I think since that day, I had been searching for someone else to chain myself to, someone else to serve in order to redeem myself for killing my dad (he actually survived and ended up institutionalized for a time). And then I found my ex. My ex frequently threatens suicide, though he never means it. I think he knows that when he makes that threat, I go into some sort of guilt-induced shock, and you can convince me to do anything.
On a more typically ptsd level, my relationship with my ex mirrors my relationship with my dad. I was in the situation of having to cater to my wildly distorted dad/ex in order to survive (child support and being there for my son). And since I had to preserve my dad/ex who I depended on for survival, the only alternative for me was to see myself as the problem. I grew up with such self-hate. There was not a single person in the world I hated more. It was nearly impossible for a long time to even see the problem, much less challenge my ex. I couldn't overcome my self-loathing and fears to see him as responsible.
But it finally clicked. After the most recent text of him blaming me for not "keeping him sane" (code for getting triggered and wildly gambling away everything), I told him I was no more responsible for keeping him sane as he was responsible for keeping his neighbor sane. We are each our own people!! Then I said what seemed to be the coldest damned thing I could think of. I said that just because I happened to meet him at 25 years old, felt sorry for him and helped him, does that mean I have to be his punching bag for life? I think for both my father and my ex, the harshest truth for them would be my apathy. Terror and self-loathing helps them. But the fact that I neutralized my place in the world I think was a slap in the face. He hasn't texted me since.
One thing I wanted to say is that it was much more important that I stand up for my truth rather than being smart, though I totally understand that advice. It helped that I did have the law on my side - I secured that. I did have some fear that there would be reprisals, that maybe he'd find a legal way to punish me. But I didn't care. I was willing to fight for my truth despite the consequences. Choosing truth over his manipulation and lies, gave me my power back. I slayed the dragon and ripped through the illusion that I was to blame for my ex's gambling and insanity, or my dad's attempted suicide or disability. And guess what, there have been no reprisals.
I still have work to do, which I've been doing though I don't come to this forum that much anymore. But having feedback here from other survivors changes trajectories and lives. Thank you.
