Relationship Isolation... Contact... Confusion... Help!!!!

[wantstobe there]

Hi!

I have just joined this forum and want to start by saying a HUGE thankyou to everyone involved...I actually cried when I started reading some of the threads because it was such a relief to find that I was not alone...

I started seeing an Army Sgt at the end of last summer, and he was honest with me from the start about the fact that he had, as he called it, "mild" ptsd. I didn't think too much of it because he seemed to be coping with it very well, but now realise that he was managing to deal with me in a normal way because he hadn't become close to me yet.

A few months into our relationship, he disappeared overnight. Texts and emails went answered and his profile reappeared on a dating website we had both used. I assumed that I had been dumped and asked him to have the courtesy to at least tell me that he wasn't interested. His reply was to tell me that with his ptsd he struggled at times and needed to isolate himself to cope. He removed his profile from the website and said that he wasnt looking for anyone else.
He started seeing a counsellor, was prescribed anti-depressants in February and in March came to stay with me. He seemed so positive about the future, we talked a lot about things he had seen in the Army, and when he left everything was a bed of roses! For about a week afterwards normal service continued - texts every couple of days, loving messages etc. Then he just disappeared again, again overnight.

I left him alone for a couple of weeks, but when that turned into a month I became seriously worried. You can imagine my desperation when I then saw his profile back up on the website. He did reply to the angry text I sent, saying that for some reason he couldn't communicate with anyone close to him and just needed to speak to people that he had no history with and no strings attached. I didn't contact him again for a few days, but was feeling particularly down one morning and sent him a text saying that I obviously wasnt going to hear from again but thankyou for the time we had had together. The next day he emailed saying that I WAS going to hear from again but that he was struggling and just needed to be his own. His profile is still up.

I am in such a dilemma about how to proceed - I want to be there for him, but is any contact too much? As he responded to my text by email, I replied the same, as I figured that maybe his phone was too "close" a contact- at least with email he could look at it when he was ready. Do I continue to email him? And what do I say? I want to reassure him I am there but am worried this will put even more pressure on him - he has already told me that he feels like everyone - sisters, doctors, counsellors, the army - is breathing down his neck. HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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[Angus McGee]

The best thing I can tell you is to wait, and let him contact you. Long term, he will probably need more than anti-depressants to help him cope with the PTSD. Their minds just don't work right while they're suffering. Any form of contact is an encroachment on their space. Being a supporter of a PTSD sufferer is a huge investment with few short term benefits. I'd suggest you decide whether you're prepared for such a thing.

I'm sorry if this isn't what you wanted to hear, but it's the truth as best I can understand it.

My wife of 21 years moved out so she can isolate. She told me she didn't want to, but feels she had to so she can heal. She will be going to a specialist that deals with treating PTSD, so hopefully, she will move back once the therapy has started to help.

I tell you that so you know that you are not alone.

I'm sorry for the situation you find yourself in. I know how it feels.

 

[wantstobe there]

Angus, thankyou so much. I am so sorry to hear about your situation and can only imagine how hard it must be for you. However difficult it must be for you to accept her decision because you love her you will support her in doing what she feels can help.

It is good to know that there are other people out there in the same boat, and even if it isn't what I want to hear any advice is worth listening to especially when it somes from someone experienced.

I have asked myself more than once if I can or want to deal with this and the short answer is yes. In fact, it is a big, fat, yes. My worry is that he doesn't want me, or anyone else for that matter, to be there in the long term. And I know that that is something that I cannot change. Which is why I am looking for answers, I suppose, on contact.

Thankyou x

 

[Angus McGee]

If you are ready for the long term, then he is a very lucky man. Know that his need to isolate has nothing to do with his feelings for you. I'd bet that him putting his profile on that site isn't about you either.

Sometimes, I'd rather my wife had something like cancer and was able to show me she loved me. Not hearing those words, and not feeling the emotional connection is worse.

Find something to do that makes you happy while he is on his own. Friends, a good book, family, a hobby... Something.

Also, if you go to church, find someone there to talk to. Whether or not they know what it's like to love a PTSD sufferer, they can show you emotional support, etc. It has helped me tremendously.

It hurts our sufferers to know that their actions are hurting us. My wife has apologized to me more than once, but her brain still needs the rewiring of hard core therapy before we will have a "normal" relationship again.

It is very hard to wait.

And lastly, visit this site often. There are tons of people that know exactly what you're feeling.

All the best,

AMcG

 

[wantstobe there]

If you are ready for the long term, then he is a very lucky man. Know that his need to isolate has nothing to do with his feelings for you. I'd bet that him putting his profile on that site isn't about you either.
AMcG

Angus, thankyou again. It is so lovely of you to say that he is a lucky man, but in truth I feel that I am the lucky one too. He is such an amazing man, ptsd or not, and knocks the spots off anyone else I have ever met. Even now, when he is struggling, he has made the effort to contact me when I have stressed at him, albeit very brief forms of contact with no emotion involved. Having read more about what happens during an "isolation" phase on here, I can now see how big a deal that is.

I am trying to convince myself that his profile on the site is nothing to do with me, but it is hard. However, I think that has more to do with my insecurities rather than anything else. I find it difficult to believe that he will not meet someone else who can do him more good than me...that he will not forget about me and move on because it requires less effort...as I say...my insecurities...and that is something that I need to work on for myself.

I could kick myself for some of the things that I have said and done, because I feel they have only increased his stress levels, good or bad. My natural instinct is to send him an email telling him how sorry I am for them but that would only compound the error! Nicolette said in one of her threads that we have to remember that this is about them, not us, and every time I feel the need to contact him, I remind myself of that. He has asked for space, so I have to listen and give that to him, no matter how hard that is. I just hope, hope, hope that he will get in touch when he feels more able to cope and we can discuss it.

I so admire your strength, and the love that you have for your wife. Stay strong x

 

[Angus McGee]

I so know how you feel about the isolation. Loneliness is very difficult. I seriously wouldn't worry about him finding anyone else. I can pretty much guarantee that isolation from you is isolation from everyone. After all, why invest the time and energy into finding someone new, when he's got someone ready to do whatever he needs just a phone call/text/email away?

I'd also bet that he has forgotten about anything you've done to add to his pressure. It seems to me they live "in the moment", and wherever they are at that time is where they are. The past is forgotten, and the future is unknown. It takes all their mental energy just to make it from moment to moment.

I also understand the insecurity thing. It's very hard not to take their actions personally, when it's affecting you personally. I dropped off my two kids at my wife's apartment this morning on the way to work. It is very difficult for me to walk away from all of them.

I reached out for a hug from her before I left, and she refused me. It was all unspoken body language. After being married as long as we have, those actions don't need words.

For me, a hug from her would mean the world. However, it's just not the time for that. I cannot take it personally. I have to keep telling myself that.

I wouldn't admire my strength too much. I feel there is hardly any of it there at all.

You just have to do what you have to do, on a daily basis. Each day is a new day, and getting back to the point where you put your head on the pillow at the end of it has it's own challenges. Another way to look at it (at least for me) is, each day is one day closer to a resolution.

He is a lucky man to have someone like you supporting him. Far too many men and women suffer alone. Even when those who love them are completely ignorant about what they're going through, just knowing someone loves you HAS to be of some comfort.

 

[wantstobe there]

I so know how you feel about the isolation. Loneliness is very difficult. I seriously wouldn't worry about him finding anyone else. I can pretty much guarantee that isolation from you is isolation from everyone. After all, why invest the time and energy into finding someone new, when he's got someone ready to do whatever he needs just a phone call/text/email away?

I am so scared that this is his pattern though. Meet someone, stay with them until he feels they are getting too close, then back off and find someone new...but then again I only think like that when I am down and I am having a bad day today so maybe tomorrow things will look brighter...as you say tomorrow is another day closer to resolution...

He is a lucky man to have someone like you supporting him. Far too many men and women suffer alone. Even when those who love them are completely ignorant about what they're going through, just knowing someone loves you HAS to be of some comfort.

But does he know I am there? Do I need to reassure him of that every so often? Or, as I said above, does that just compound the problem? Just really really don't know what to do for the best. The best for him that is, not for me...

And I DO admire your strength. Because it is taking most of mine, and I am generally a strong person otherwise, to deal with this and I have only known my sufferer a few months. So god only knows how much you must have to deal with what you do. Perhaps the universe throws people together for that very reason. I am not a strong believer in God, but I do believe in, for want of a better word, fate.

I understand about the hugs. To just be held by someone that you love is the most comforting thing in the world and to be denied it is the most hurtful. But look at it this way - at least when she does hug you, and she will, you will know that she means it wholeheartedly. When will you pick the kids up again?

 

[Angus McGee]

I'm trying very hard not to play the "What If Game". It might be good for you too. If there's a statement that pops in your head, and it starts with "What if...", then ignore it. I am a big worrier by nature, but for me, it's more about health things.. i.e. "What if this pain I have in my ___ is cancer?" I look back on all of those "what if's" and laugh at them now. Boy, how stupid was I?

The same thing applies here.

What if he will...

Meet someone, stay with them until he feels they are getting too close, then back off and find someone new

The best advice I can tell you on that is only to worry about it if/when it happens. It might, but then again, it probably won't. If it does, you are the much better person. You're strong, you have a wonderful heart, and someone will come along and appreciate you for that.

Whether or not you should contact him every once in a while is something you would know better than me. Maybe a text saying "I was just thinking about you. How are you doing? Please let me know if you need anything." If he replies, great. If not, he still needs space. Their space, and lack of pressure is very important.

I wouldn't call the lack of affection hurtful, as much as it is painful. I'm sure you meant the same thing, but hurtful would mean she is doing it on purpose, which I know she isn't.

My wife works swing-shift, so she will be dropping them off on her way to work. I'll see them back at the house when I get home this afternoon. Their main residence is with me.

Best of luck to you. This is a tough thing...

 

[May1321]

Their space, and lack of pressure is very important.

I feel like 'me thinking' is more my worse enemy than anything going on in my sufferer and directly or indirectly affecting me.

My "T" and I've worked the last month on essentially separating myself mentally and sometimes physically from the issue therefore discovering the REAL issue = MY FEARS.

I would get so wrapped up in doing the 'right thing' or the 'wrong thing' that I was losing myself because I was trying to form every detail of my contact with my sufferer around HIS needs meshed with uninformed opinions from the outside (PTSD) world. Though he has areas of healing I must respect, I too have NEEDS that I have to acknowledge he can't reciprocate but I can take care of myself in, and which areas I need to solidify as important in order for me to function properly in this relationship.

saying that for some reason he couldn't communicate with anyone close to him

Wantstobe There -
I have a very big issue with the social networking. Old news now, but my sufferer blocked me on Facebook and though he continues to see me daily and in the eyes of his family, and a few friends, we are dating but 'acknowledging' it to the rest of the world wears on what he is trying to manage. Aside from me and his family, he doesn't have a social life and like your Sgt., I'm sometimes too close to him. He thrives on the outside connection with other people even though it isn't about finding 'someone new'.

It's a challenge, for sure, but by working on myself and 'my fears' it's been more manageable. I've learned what works best for communicating with him therefore communicating my concerns as well. I have caught girls flirting with him on his account by doing things I hate seeing myself do such as taking priviledge of looking at his profile when he's left it logged in. If I confront him at that moment - he explodes. Doing what you are doing and giving him his space when he may get like this or disassociate himself from you is the best thing you can do. Take that time to do something to refill your energy.

Being with a PTSD sufferer is VERY challenging. To the outside world, we ourselves appear crazy. The best thing you can do is have respect for the disease itself but trust your gutt and YOUR relationship skills - not someone elses. Educate yourself. Talk to a therapist. Visit with some of the strong supporters and even healing sufferers on here. Make the decision for yourself but ALWAYS take care of YOU first.

I wish you the best outcome for YOU!

 

[ISupportHer]

It is so very hard. I agree with a lot of what has been said. It is kind out of character to say anything other than the "I hear you, I care" and to be supportive.

All of those things are still applicable in by thoughts for you.

However, I have 2 friends here that went through something similar is some ways. As May 1321 says, trust your gut. Having PTSD is no excuse for some things. I know you care for him, I really do. But maybe try to discard the PTSD component and look at what has happened and see if this has crossed the limits of what you would otherwise accept.

I too hope you find the best outcome for YOU.