Relationship Isolation/"you Deserve Better"?

[JS786]

Good morning, I just joined yesterday. I'm actually very nervous to post here, but I'd like to hear other supporters thoughts on the subject. I've asked a few close friends their thoughts, but they dont really understand PTSD or the effects it has on the mind so I didnt really know where else to turn.

I've been dating a self-proclaimed "poster boy" for combat PTSD since the end of April (a little over 3 months). I knew from the day I met him that he was a former Marine, had PTSD (a friend who set us up informed me, but he told me himself a few weeks later) and still pursued the relationship because there was just something about him that has drawn me to him and I fell in love with him very quickly. He's been honest with his condition to any questions I have and he often offers information without me asking, such as him saying he's tired of "pretending" all the time, etc. He's told me numerous times that being with me makes things better, how much he loves me, he's so comfortable with me and feels like he can tell me anything. He tells me nothing I could ever do is wrong and he appreciates when I give him the space he needs because he just needs time to figure out his own stuff.

Up until about the 4th of July, everything was great, sure we got in disagreements but the last month has been particularly rough. He will go through isolation periods and come back after 2-3 days thanking me for giving him space and things will be great for a week until he's back to being isolated again. I've noticed it happens when something big happens, such as he has to go see his therapist, or he has to go to Rhode Island to see lots of doctors. When he goes through these particular isolation periods, I respect them, knowing he'll come around when he's ready and I'll often send him a quick txt just to say, "Hey, I love you, I hope you're having a good day," and to let him know I'm thinking about him.

On Sunday, we got into the biggest disagreement/discussion/whatever it was, since we started dating. After not seeing him for 10 days (He'd gone away for the weekend, got a huge sunburn and apparently was embarrassed about me seeing him like that? We talked/txted but then his phone got wet and it's hasnt been in working condition, we've been communicating via Facebook which is really our only option, unless he calls me when he's at his mom's house), we finally hung out and everything was amazing at first, we made love, watched The Lion King and Shark Week and were just having a blast. However, that night we were laying in bed and he asked me what was wrong and I just blurted out that I feel sad that the only times he tells me he loves me is when he thinks he's in trouble or I say it first. This comment turned into him saying he felt like I was guarded and my heart was locked up by 6 locks and he didnt have keys, and he didnt feel like I actually loved him, but instead I'm in love with the idea of being in love (Which is not true. Sure, I may not be 100% let's talk about every issue I've ever had, but I'm pretty open with my thoughts and feelings, though maybe I dont verbalize "why" I love him so much.. because I just havent figured out an accurate way to verbalize it? I just do and I know I do.)

I wish I could remember how it came up, but it's a bit of a blur, but all of a sudden he started with, "You can do better," "I'm going to bring you down," "I'm no good for you," "Why do you love me?" "You're going to wake up in 3 months and realize you can do better, I'm trying not to be selfish by telling you this now," "You should date a guy who wasn't in the military," "If you want to take a week or two apart and call me, I'll still be single," "My family loves you, I love your family and I just need to tell you this now so I dont hurt you later on down the road," "You're a good girl, girls like you are rare, I'm just going to bring you down," etc, etc. He kept insisting we werent breaking up and he loved me, was in love with me, and just wanted to know why I love him. After sobbing in his bed for a little bit with him rubbing my back, I finally did find the words to explain to him why I loved him, he broke down and told me that was the perfect answer and cried.. not full on sobbing but enough tears that he had to wipe them away and we laid and cried in each others arms for a few minutes.

He asked me if I could go home that night, because his mind was racing and he just needed the night, but to call him tomorrow (Monday) and we'd hang out. He'd been drinking, but I'm not sure how intoxicated he actually was (so I actually dont know how much of the conversation he remembers). The disappearing act is back in effect. I'd msged him yesterday asking if I could see him before he went away to a wedding this weekend to no answer. I sent him a quick message just letting him know I missed him and loved him. A little while later he "liked" a status of mine and we had a short conversation about nothing of importance, and I asked him if we could hang out and he told me he was busy, and leaving for his cousins wedding tomorrow (today), so I sent him another msg just asking if I could see him when he got back. No answer.

I have done lots of research on PTSD, how the mind works, etc so I'm going into this as informed as I can. I know I just need to wait it out, and just wait until he comes around, I'm sure he's feeling overwhelmed by everything that happened with us on Sunday, I just wish he'd talk to me, but again it's that isolation... apparently from me, since he's had no problems hanging out with his friends. I think I'm just feeling so much more concerned because his phone isnt working and I have no way to contact him unless it's via Facebook (which makes me feel completely juvenile, by the way, hah). I keep telling myself I didnt do anything wrong, he'd said these things to me because he's feeling insecure and vulnerable and wants me to know I have an out, but I dont want to take the out. In the past we've had conversations about us, and he's told me over and over, "If I didn't want to be with you, I wouldn't be with you. When I need space it's just because I'm dealing with my own stuff, not because I want to be with another girl."

My friends think I'm crazy and just wonder why I deal with it.. but when you're in love with someone, what else can you do? I can't give up on him when his PTSD isn't his fault, I'm aware there's no "cure" and he may never be "normal" (but really.. who is normal anyway?) I just need to figure out how to cope with the isolation and his insecurities when he *does* let them surface (which is rare) and assure him I love him and I'm in this for the long run. I'm trying to figure out the line between being too needy/clingy and just letting him know I'm thinking about him and love him while he's going through whatever he's going through.

I would love and appreciate any kind of suggestions or insight on how to deal with isolation, how to proceed and be the best supporter I can be. I guess today I'm just feeling a little lost and confused about how to be supportive. There is no doubt in my mind that he is who I want to be with, so I guess I'm just looking for some insight/encouragement from some other supporters to see how I can help; I dont feel like I'm being a very good support system for him.

Thank you for reading, I know it was a novel. I hope you all have a nice day. :)

-JS

 

[Tinyflame]

Dear JS, please disregard this am not really a 'supporter', though in some ways I am, but 'actions' (re: support) and consistency mean so much. And forgiveness is huge too.

I realize it's not his fault but it doesn't take the 'realities' away- it is a lot to expect of anyone. :(

There is a supporter's section, best wishes to you, -how kind you are.
-Please take care of yourself first.

(P.S- July 4th and everything associated with it might have had a lot to do with how he's (still) feeling, now, after likely being thru a 'sea of triggers').

 

[JS786]

Thank you, Junebug. I'm not 100% sure on what his triggers are, we havent discussed it too much. He has told me he hates going to sleep at night, and will keep himself awake all night and sleep during the day. He gets overwhelmed in groups of people he doesnt know, he doesnt like going to the movies, etc.

I'm trying to be the best support I can be for him, guess I'm just having a hard time the last few days. Trying to keep myself busy without him, which is hard when all I want to do is hold and cuddle him.. but I realize it's not an option right now. I figure tonight I'll send him a quick facebook message letting him know I hope he has fun at the wedding, keep it light so he knows I'm still thinking of him... which is what I have done in the past, whether it helps him or not, I dont know.

I'm definitely going to scope around the supporters section, I think I just need some online friends who know what I'm going through.

I hope you're doing well, and I hope you have a fantastic day. :alien: (this smiley just made me laugh.. so I added it, hah)

-JS

 

[Tinyflame]

Thanks JS- that is sweet, I feel like ' :alien:' or ':eek:' frequently so it makes me laugh, too.

He very very very likely doesn't know what all of his triggers are- they can even be a 'sound' or sense, or 'sensory'. What matters more is recognizing you actually 'are' being triggered, and to find new and healthier ways to then deal with it, and minimize the meltdown.

The analogy of 'peeling the onion' as regards self-discovery and symptom management is very true.
(It's just that no one tells you it feels like the onion is as big as a basketball :eek::oops:)

I can only say for myself frequently being hugged and cuddled is not what I could handle feeling wired, hypervigilant, panicked and ready to scale the highest (electrical) fence to 'remove' myself. Just a squeeze of the hand might do, there. And you staying calm, strong, peaceful, in a sense.

Isolation is necessary because everything becomes too overwhelming- it truly is not any reflection on you.

Ptsd requires so much patience.

The sleep issue may involve fear, nightmares, hypervigilance.

Have a fun day, yourself. :)

 

[JS786]

I guess I'm just confused why the isolation is from me and not his friends.

I'm learning that patience comes with the territory, so I'm trying so hard to stay calm and keep telling myself: it's not me, it's not me, it's not me. He'll be back when he's ready, take time, take time, take time. During the converstion we had on Sunday he kept telling me not to overthink things, we weren't breaking up, he just needed to be honest with his feelings that I could do better. And I kept assuring him it was him I wanted. I want to do what I can to make this work (we havent discussed it, but I get the feeling his exes havent been able to deal with his PTSD, which is why they broke up), which means I need to learn to not take what he says so personally. And when he says, "It's my s**t, not you," I need to trust that he's telling the truth and he'll come back when he's ready.

In terms of me wanting to cuddle and smush his face with kisses, I know I can't do that. When he's not isolated and we're together, he's usually a big cuddler: loves just laying in bed and holding each other, holding hands, etc. and just being affectionate. But for right now, the only thing I'll be cuddling is my cat.

I'm staying strong as I can, keeping busy and trying my hardest to be calm and remember forgiveness and understanding.

:barefoot: Hahaha, that one makes me laugh too.

I really appeciate all of your insight. No fun until I'm out of work.. but then it's SHARK WEEK! :tup:

-JS

 

[Tinyflame]

(Me too :barefoot:)

And this one: :p

:inlove::):giggle:, for you.

 

[JS786]

He has apparently decided not to go to the wedding because his suit doesnt fit (...He just tried it on the other day when I was there and it fit great?) and he was going to sleep, all this I got from his facebook statuses. I sent him a quick message saying I hoped he was having a good day and intend to leave it at that.

His female roommate invited me over tonight to drink wine and watch Shark Week and I was going to go if he wasnt going to be there, because I really like his roommate and we dont get to hang out a lot, but now that he is, I need to postpone with his roommate.

It would have been nice to get out of the house tonight and try to keep my mind off of everything and stay, but IDK now..

 

[Loving4PTSD]

Hello JS, I'm sorry to hear that you have been struggling. I wish I could tell you that it will get better, but the best I can do is tell you that you will feel better when you learn how to take care of yourself better. That will be the first step. I have been with my boyfriend (who has had PTSD for over 15 years) for a little over a year and a half now. It was really, really hard for about the first 6 months. I always thought everything was my fault. I didn't know what his triggers were. And I thought I could fix everything. After awhile I learned the 3 C's, you didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it. Take that to heart.

My boyfriend used to say (and at times, still does say) the same things to me that your's has said about "not being good enough", "I don't know why you love me", "you can do so much better", and so on. That is just the PTSD talking. I'm still fairly new to this page too, and in a horrible way, it makes me feel better to see other people going through the same things that I have and am still going through. I think coming on this page to vent and meet people will help you a lot. I know it helped me and I have made some friends here too.

I understand completely why he doesn't want to go to the wedding. It is a place with a lot of people and his anxiety level is probably going threw the roof just thinking about having to go. My guy will do the same thing yours did. He will make up excuses not to do something, that make no sense at all. After we really talk about it, he will usually confess to me that he just made stuff up because he really didn't want to go or do whatever it was that was making him anxious. Again it is the PTSD.

It is so hard to learn how to not take these things personally, but once you can, it will make it a little easier. My friends and some of my family don't know why I put up with it either but that's just because they don't understand PTSD. Just remember to take care of you during the hard times. I like to read or go exercise or just listen to my iPod when he is having an "episode". We live together, so sometimes he will leave and cool down and then come back and talk to me about how he was feeling. Educate yourself as much as you can, read books, watch certain movies, see if there are any PTSD meet up groups in your area (or Al-anon meetings can help too, they go over a lot of things that can easily transfer over to PTSD as well).

Well if you would like to talk more, feel free to send me a message! And remember "Keep moving forward"

Blair

 

[JS786]

Blair -

My guy came around on Thursday and I saw him briefly that night, he ended up going to the wedding and talked for 3.5 hours on Saturday night while he was away and he apologized again for being distant. Apparently his distance this time was his fear of our relationship being something "real" and had very little to do with his stressors/triggers. Regardless, he let me know when he says "You deserve better," etc. its his insecurities surfacing and it has little to do with me. We're definitely in a much better place than we have been over the last week. It'll be a roller coaster, but completely worth it in the end.

After awhile I learned the 3 C's, you didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it. Take that to heart.

That is absolutely perfect advice and definitely something I need to learn to be better at.

I'm taking care of myself best I can. Feel free to msg me anytime :)

-JS

 

[IvyMillie]

I'm glad that he is able to communicate his feelings--that's a great sign. It is a learning process, and it seems like you are learning when to back off a bit and give him some space. As your relationship grows there may be more things that come up. What will help is that you will know each other better and your trust will grow. My husband and I didn't date very long. He wasn't initially distant, but in time he would get more and more distant. I like others had to learn it wasn't my fault. I still want to make him happy, but I can't. As he always says he is just surviving. One time he got asked what things made him happy and I wasn't even on that list. So in a way you have to develop a bit of a tough skin. It seems like you are willing to love him for who he is and his problems. Some of us were married before we realized all that we had married into. You have the advantage of taking the time to really know what you are getting into by loving him. It will be better in the long run.

 

[JS786]

He's getting much better at communicating, but he told me based on his experiences he has a hard time trusting someone 100%, which I can understand to a point. He just needs to realize for himself that I can be trusted and there's nothing I can do to speed up that process. I'm feeling much more at peace lately since him and I have opened up communication again. I'm working on developing my tough skin... but its proving to be a little more difficult than I thought. :eek:

G and I have only been together a little over 3 months, but it seems to be getting better and better everyday and we have started making plans for the future. Though, I probably just jinxed myself and he'll retreat back into himself again, hah. Fingers crossed. :)

-JS