Issues with weight/possibly being attractive to men

[frogthroat]

some Ts would argue that you can’t achieve good mental health without also taking care of the physical stuff. So do it. The benefits faaaar outweigh value of the cognitive distortion that’s been holding you back:)

Yes, my T argues this and I want to feel good. I'm hoping regular sleep will improve with a healthy diet and exercise too. Maybe I won't have so many damn nightmares that wake me up.

 

[grit]

@Sideways
I concur and want to add even ugly people get sexually assaulted everyday! sexual assault on a woman just needs the word woman...she does not even have to have vagina really because not all sexual assault are vaginal rape!

 

[Friday]

I don't think my motivation for weight loss is entirely symptomatic but I believe some of my issues regarding this and needing control are.

I was actually thinking of the other piece you talked about, not your motivation for losing weight, but the wall you run face first into once you do...

This isn't fair to all men but I just correlate me being attractive with being attacked by men specifically. I get so far. I lose weight and then I freak out.

Attractive = Rape Victim

That’s the piece of Black & White thinking, Trauma Logic, and sense of self that’s swapping bubblegum and braiding each other’s hair with my

Unfit = Dead, useless, liability

 

[frogthroat]

Attractive = Rape Victim

That’s the piece of Black & White thinking, Trauma Logic, and sense of self that’s swapping bubblegum and braiding each other’s hair with my

Unfit = Dead, useless, liability

Yes, I couldn't really describe it any better. It's like I'm battling with two people inside of me. Not allowing myself to feel attractive is being a victim though. When I start to lose weight and I start to feel good I freak out.
Some people split and create parts when they're traumatized I just thoroughly convinced myself there's no happiness in order to deal and that I can never allow myself to be attractive or express emotion. What a mountain to climb. Yuck.

 

[Pale Mpress Kitty]

Oh. Oh damn. I just realised this is so much me. I never made that connection of [Me at appropriate weight] + [feeling attractive] = [feeling threatened].

 

[Teasel]

Xan relate muchly. Have spent a good deal of my life overweight to "protect" me. I have regularly freaked out when I've lost weight too.

I'm hoping this time will be different as my mindset has changed, something has shifted and I seem to have imagined a bit of teflon as far as abusers go - have learned how to say no and mean it i guess i mean.

Well wishes to you :)

 

[Whirlwind]

Yes, my T argues this and I want to feel good. I'm hoping regular sleep will improve with a healthy diet and exercise too.

This may not work for everyone but I had an epiphany in my younger years.....I had been given and internalized very disturbing messages my whole life about my appearance.

I didn't get to do normal childhood activities and I for some reason....just decided to try some things. I went to a play ground when no one was there, LOL. Then I started running/walking. Then hiking. Then Yoga.....and much more :-) I started to have FUN.

I went from barely able to run a block to running long distance. I could hike forever, it was so peaceful I adore hiking still.

My perspective began to shift and I realized none of this was my "bodies" fault. It was doing the best it could and I needed to take care of it. It sounds strange but I felt like I made peace with an old friend.

I was becoming so darn proud of what my body could do....I had no idea! Then came eating...and I learned to cook from watching the food channel, LOL.

Weight issues and disturbed eating just fell away.

Today, I am very fit for my age and very comfortable about my appearance and aging. Comfortable in my own skin as they say.

I don't know if this helps or exactly how to re-frame but for me this was a major shift in my life.

Best, Whirlwind

 

[frogthroat]

I didn't get to do normal childhood activities and I for some reason....just decided to try some things. I went to a play ground when no one was there, LOL. Then I started running/walking. Then hiking. Then Yoga.....and much more :) I started to have FUN.

I've just figured out in the last couple weeks that this issue and the issues around it have so much to do with releasing that negative energy from your body. I never used to believe that old hurt can get stored inside of you and wreak havoc but now I do because I'm seeing it start to dissipate. Thank you for your insightful reply.

 

[Mach123]

I just am finishing fasting, no solid food day six. I'll probably hit my weight today. This all has to do with body image, self loathing, control, wanting to be sick and of course, sex. Mostly sex but, who knows? Women have a different relationship with food than men? Food makes me sick (allergies) so when I am eating a lot and have extra weight I have to deal with gas and bloating and heartburn. I'd rather be hungry but it sneaks up on me like everything. So this time I ate over Christmas and gained 10 or twelve pounds. I didn't wait long it's still January. Then last week I was like "I didn't eat anything yesterday except that banana, maybe I can start fasting." The weight all goes to one place my belly and when it starts sticking out it makes me feel really bad. I see it on other men and I judge. I know that's wrong. I don't care though. I'm not very competitive but I fight against food and I like it when I win.

 

[frogthroat]

Women have a different relationship with food than men?

I think everybody who's hurting can use food to stuff. I know there's been times when eating was the only thing that felt good. I think people can punish themselves with overeating and extreme dieting too. That's not always the case. Before I started all of this I had to have some time to make sure I was doing it out of love for myself and not to punish my body. What a difference a different mindset makes when addressing weight issues. Plus, I notice I'm not judging myself, other overweight people, or looking at a skinny woman and feeling ashamed of myself. This is totally to help heal and move on. I wouldn't be able to stick to it if I didn't feel good about myself.

 

[Whirlwind]

he issues around it have so much to do with releasing that negative energy from your body. I never used to believe that old hurt can get stored inside of you and wreak havoc but now I do because I'm seeing it start to dissipate.

If you haven't already....check out Dr. Peter Levine and "somatic experiencing".

I was skeptical early on as well but today I am a firm believer that trauma is stored in the mind and the body. My body recognized my 2nd trauma long before my intellect caught on. I trust my body and pay attention anymore, it is wise beyond my understanding.

I was very disconnected from my body and reconnecting was critical for me. I do think it aided in me releasing ancient trauma. When I was a teen folks mistook me for 15+ years older than I was. Much later (now) I am mistaken for 10 yrs younger. That is stress.

Thank you for your insightful reply.

You are very welcome :)

Whirlwind

 

[Reflections]

I'm not sure if it would help to share my experience. As far as I know, I wasn't raped but I did get stuck in the belief that being attractive = assault/rape. I was overweight most of my life and only when I was at a healthy weight did men assault me, so I put the weight back on. Though I started to eat healthier, even though I wanted to be healthier for my sake, I could never get myself to be that proactive. Logically I understood anyone could get be attacked, it's not a survivor's fault, and being overweight won't stop violence. Yet experience has shown me that I get a lot of attention when I'm healthy. Years went by with me unable to lose the weight. Unable to really seek out "to be healthy for me" goals.

For me, when I realized I liked women and wanted a relationship with a woman... for the first time I wanted to be attractive. Not just "healthy" but attractive. Since I had someone I liked, it was a very real, tangible goal. I was still afraid, still am frankly, but somehow I convinced myself that I could handle it. I told myself I wasn't the same sheltered, timid person that got assaulted anymore. I would and could get myself safe or fight. I can also tell people to back off with so much more assertive resolve. Being overweight can't stop violence, but through action I can defend myself. I realized I had more/better resources.

I've lost over 50+ lbs over the last few years. Still have more to lose but I haven't gone back to being overweight to "feel safer". I have back slide but that's because dessert is yummy. I do get more attention from men but I can and do handle it and speak up if someone crosses a line. Sometimes I do panic or avoid, more often than I like, but I am still not going back to being overweight. I'd take avoidance over hurting by body.

Wanting to be attractive and believeing I could protect myself without the weight helped me. Having a goal helped with motivation but I think what was even more Important was believeing the greatest defense is my own power to act. Not my weight.