It All Started With An Innocent Text Message

[Myanxietyhasanxiety]

@VioletButterfly

You are so right. I appreciate all the great input everyone has offered. It has definitely made me take a step back and realize it may not even be about me. Haha.

Plus, this is a great opportunity to reframe, think about what I want, and why it is bothering me.

I still haven't responded to her but gave myself a deadline to do it before dinner.

It is my life. And ultimately my choice. So that leads a really interesting question of what do I want? Ah, there is the crux! What do I want?

1. I want to erase it all and go on pretending I'm the same as always- not realistic

2. I want to ignore her, and go on living in my sheltered isolation state with my cats, dog, child, and bf- that's not healthy either. Because I do want to grow, learn, and heal. I can't heal what I don't acknowledge.

3. I want to connect with people, but I don't want to feel judged. I want to NOT care if she is in fact judging me. I can play pretend like it doesn't bother me for a while. But then I hear something (usually from family) about what others have said and it's hurtful. I WANT To NOT care!

They say the opposite of love is not Hate. Its: I don't care.

That's how I feel I have been responded to. It's not Love, it's not Hate, it's the true act of : I don't care. And I think I don't care hurts worse than Hate.

My emotions are all over the place so this may not make sense but trying my best to connect my head/ heart to the emotions

 

[Myanxietyhasanxiety]

I haven't told anyone whats going on besides my a few people (two) to be exact.

I always think if I tell then what happened, maybe they will understand and then maybe we could connect again. But that leads to the next problem, I feel I would appear weak. I would feel like the victim. I don't want to be seen that way. I don't like to even feel that way.

Plus, I can't talk about it without stirring up all those emotions again. And in the wrong hands, people gossip even more. I'm afraid it will spread and more people will take that info to judge. Then I really would feel like a victim. It's like a control thing. If I don't tell, they don't know, and then can't judge, and then Im not the victim.

I don't know. I really honestly don't know but the fears are real. The emotions unbearable.

 

[.45 Princess]

I received a text from one of my friends I haven't spoken to in years "When is a good time t...

It's okay to feel that way. Annoyed like "what why are you texting me?!"
I actually have said that out loud on many occasions lol...

Too much stimulation can be an enemy, especially when we already have 10000 thoughts going in our heads.

 

[.45 Princess]

I haven't told anyone whats going on besides my a few people (two) to be exact.

I always t...

I'm currently in the same boat. I was able to share my recent trauma with one friend of mine a lot more easily than with my boyfriend.
I didn't him to think that I'm more broken now than I already was or that being with me is going to be even a bigger stressor before I wasn't able to tell him all the details but it was okay. Like he told me: "you're strong to be able to go through that and share that" definitely ain't no easy thing.

And the people who judge you? Well I say "f*ck them" :smug:

 

[Lucycat]

To most people I realize this may not make sense.

Oh Sure it does.
I had a text from a friend ( and family) that were possibly visiting for christmas: " we need to talk" - I though as a minimum someone was dead. But in fact all she wanted was to be really, really sure that they were welcome for Christmas - and they were, and they came and it was fun - but that message - AAARGHHH!

 

[Mel (Hippo256)]

Those messages or things people say, really make me spin out of control as well. 'We need to talk' or stuff like that.. ugh! I immediately think I did something wrong and they're angry or they'll be bringing bad news like we're abandoning you (for example therapists did that) or put me out of my house on the street (happened in the past multiple times) or someone died etc. etc. etc. That's why I always tell the 'professionals' to e-mail me and give a summary of what the conversation will be about. Otherwise, I can't prepare myself and I might say things during the conversation that will make the situation worse. They know I need that, but still just won't do it. Really frustrating. I have to talk about it with my partner a lot as well, to calm me down a little and to try prepare things I can do or say if they say/do ... (insert something). And what he would do. Lately, the 'professionals' came to my house and completely took over the conversation and were really mean and didn't talk about what the conversation was actually for (they only care about themselves and making as much profit as they can). I had to leave and go to my room and try not to do stupig things (they were in our house).
I understand if 'normal people' don't get it why I get so upset if it's not clear what the conversation is really going to be about and what their opinions are. But with professionals I find it upsetting that they don't do what they promised me, because they claim they totally understand and that they will do that to help me and let things go smoother (I suppose they don't want to make me angry on purpose).

The message you got is really out of the blue as well, so I understand how you're feeling. And indeed, the wording could have been better. There's just not enough context or kindness for me in it. Is it possible that you text her what it's about? I often do that, even though they may find it odd. You can try to make the message kind, like 'wow such a long time ago, what's up?' I'm not sure if that's a good example sentence, since I'm no social butterfly either.