Relationship It Broke My Heart

[discarded]

For the first time since I left my sufferer, taking our daughter with me, she actually said the words that her father doesn't love her. It really crushed me to hear those words. They are words that i have said many times about his feelings for me, but it was so sad to think she feels this way.

Christmas was a disaster for us, he asked us to spend Christmas Eve with him at the home we once shared (he still lives there) and open presents together on Christmas morning with our grown up children and grandkids. When we arrived Christmas Eve he was not home and would not answer any calls I made in an attempt to track him down. He finally arrived home around 11.00pm extremely drunk. Our daughter was really upset and asked for me to take her home. He rang me Christmas day to see if we were coming over and when I said I wasn't sure if it was a good idea after the night before his only comment was "well what were you expecting?".
We did go over for the sake of the rest of the family but it was a very tense day.

Since we moved out he has seen her only 5 times for an hour or so, every time I have instigated it. He didn't turn up to school events as promised. After the Christmas disappointed our daughter has been very withdrawn and I believe she is now depressed. I have tried my best to reassure her that her father loves her, that he is not well and is having a hard time right now. I don't know what else to say to her. I am struggling also with the separation and I think that is taking a toll on her as well.

Has anyone else out there had similar experiences or any advice to offer?

 

[safenow]

In my opinion, your husband isn't a sufferer, he's an abuser. an emotional abuser. He's a jerk. She is better off without him in her life. Just because a person has PTSD it doesn't allow them to be a jerk.

My dad was drunk after mother died, and turned into an awful person. He allowed me to be tortured by his female caretaker, and molested by his friends and brother. He molested my sister. After she was murdered by his female caretaker and I was rescued by the police, the courts said he could only visit me if chaperoned. But he only saw me one time. And that was to tell me he was angry I told on him. Later on, when I was a teenager, he had to pay for me to stay at the orphanage, and when they found out I was not an illegitimate child like he had told them, I couldn't stay there any longer. He in turn sold me to his brother to put in his stable. Over the years I always wondered what it would be like to have a father who cared about me enough to protect me.

I'm sure your daughter is depressed. She wishes she had a father who really did love her. Don't lie to her and tell her he loves her. Tell her the truth. He is incapable of loving anyone right now, even himself. Let her know how much you love her and will stand by her, then both of you need to let him go and move on. If he wants you to come over, say NO! and really mean it. You must protect the two of you over worrying about "the rest of the family".

That's my .02 cents.

 

[discarded]

Thanks safenow. My brother told me the exact same thing when I had a meltdown on new year's day. I can say that I hit rock bottom that day. I considered ending it all. Fortunately my sister saw through my request for her to have my daughter for a few days while I sorted myself out and together with my brother they made me see sense. My depression has been bad for a long time and I didn't want my daughter to see me that way. I had kept it all hidden for so long while trying to keep my family together. Thankfully I have my daughter to live for, I can't believe I considered leaving her that way. It is bad enough that her father has abandoned her, I couldn't possibly do that to her too. I know my husband is jerk but I am always so torn between what is PTSD and what is him. For the longest time I believed in him and trusted him, but that is all gone now. I just have to convince myself of that.

I actually said to my psychologist the other day that I am starting to understand how abused women stay in their abusive relationships, because they believe that they have done something to deserve it and that in the end their love for their partner will solve everything. They believe they have no where else to go and can't support themselves financially. I am struggling on my own but I am determined to survive and make a life for myself and my daughter.

 

[safenow]

I actually said to my psychologist the other day that I am starting to understand how abused women stay in their abusive relationships

You hit it on the head. Too many women, and men, stay in bad relationships for those reasons. I'm glad you can see that now. It is always better to be alone and safe, no matter what the struggles, than to be in a bad relationship. and you may think you are hiding things from your daughter, but I'm sure she knows more than you realize.And your absolutely correct in knowing that if you killed yourself, it would effect her for the rest of her life. Talk about PTSD. She would blame herself for her dad and your death.

Not all people with PTSD are jerks.

 

[Bilby]

Oh discarded, that must have been heartbreaking indeed. I feel for the both of you, I really do.

Is it possible to talk to your psychologist about this situation - specifically with regard to your concerns for your daughter and how to approach discussing the situation with her.

I think you have done the right thing by telling her that her Father is unwell, but she may well be wondering (as kids do) about what sort of illness is going on - she may not be thinking of it in terms of it being a mental illness and may be worrying that he has some sort of physical illness (e.g. cancer). This may also be part of why she is feeling down. Obviously she is also worrying about her Father not loving her and would be wondering why and may be feeling that she has done something wrong.

Perhaps you could talk to your daughter and ask her if she has any questions about your separation, about her Father etc, and try to answer them in an age appropriate way. She will prompt you by asking more questions if the answer you have given hasn't satisfied her. If she doesn't ask more questions or seek further clarification, chances are you have answered her questions sufficiently well.

I hope this is a little helpful. Take care, discarded.

B x

 

[Abstract]

I know my husband is jerk but I am always so torn between what is PTSD and what is him.

Discarded. I think there comes a point where regardless you do have to hold someone accountable for their actions. Especially if they are not willing to get help or take any responsibility for their actions. And although PTSD can be a contributory factor I don't believe it causes it.

because they believe that they have done something to deserve it and that in the end their love for their partner will solve everything.

Exactly. it seems to me that you have been told so many times that everything is your fault that you actually believe it. I am not sure if you had those patterns before you met your husband or not but regardless this does not sound like a healthy dynamic at all.

their love for their partner will solve everything

I hope you don't mind me putting it this way - but you are not that powerful! ;)

Not all people with PTSD are jerks

Exactly!!! Well said Safenow. I think it is important to take personality into account and from what I have learned on here I can see how having been in the military (if he was) must make it more difficult to deal with someone (it seems the fight response is engrained). Those that act out their anger rather that act it in must be tricky to deal with. But you can't stop that or save him. Only he can. And accepting abuse does noone any good.

and try to answer them in an age appropriate way

I agree with Bilby. if you are unsure I think it would help to speak it through with a therapist. I imagine there may even be books.

You sound like you are in a very bad place yourself and I hope you have told your therapist about it. Remember that you can make a good life for your daughter and yourself.

 

[discarded]

Thanks for all the support and good advice. I am slowly working my way back up out of depression. Not looking forward to tomorrow though, our wedding anniversary, 28 years.

 

[Sailorgal]

Oh discarded....

Sorry I can't quote being on iphone. Has it's challenges!!!!

Combat PTSD always has a different set of challenges. Anger and arrogance is typical given the nature of their role.

Be grateful that your daughter has opened up to you! Not all kids do. You both have a chance at intervention to better process the effects his behavior has on his family. They are so self-destructive. I feel for you!!!! Hugs to you discarded!!!!

No matter what, celebrate the GOOD that you did have. It wasn't all a waste. He is in his own hell and unfortunately, not accepting of it but taking it out in the world.

I hope it won't be too heart breaking for you. Tissue and teddy bear for you!!!!

 

[discarded]

Thanks Sailorgal. I am slowly accepting that it is best I move on and leave him to sort himself or not. So hard but I really have no choice.

 

[Sailorgal]

I know you don't feel like it, but you are an incredibly strong woman to have endured all this and still keeping yourself together. Tears don't make you weak - just human :)

Your daughter is very fortunate to have you for a mum. :)

 

[p-no]

For the longest time I believed in him and trusted him, but that is all gone now. I just have to convince myself of that.

Maybe I am having a language misunderstanding here, so disregard if that is the case. Do not put too much energy into convincing yourself of that. I did that and because I put all the energy into that, I had too little left to put into my behaviour and ended up together with him once before I really left for good. Today, looking back, I'd not try to convince me any longer but instead put all that energy that, in my case, went down a black hole because I just couln't grasp it all at the time and for some years, no matter how hard I tried, well, put all that energy into staying away from him. Focus on staying away. Do not initiate. Stay back and see and feel, perceive, what it does to you that he reacts and "(non-)acts" the way he does. Pain, more pain and even more pain, but that is facing who the other because it's really the actions that show who a person is. Love is not only a feeling, more importantly it's actions.

Just my 2 cents from my own experience.

 

[p-no]

I think there comes a point where regardless you do have to hold someone accountable for their actions. Especially if they are not willing to get help or take any responsibility for their actions. And although PTSD can be a contributory factor I don't believe it causes it.

accepting abuse does noone any good.

Abstract, I would just like to point these two out and I hope it's okay with you.
Also, may I copy this into my diary on here?